Grieving is Not a Linear Process by Julie Cohen/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Experts

Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…

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Grieving is Not a Linear Process

Posted in Alcoholism by Julie Cohen on Aug 05, 2008

Today is the two year mark of my mother's passing and I am reminded that grieving is not a linear process. Over the past few weeks I have noticed some sadness as I've reflected on those final days and life without my mom. All of that I think is pretty normal stuff. What surprised me was how much more sadness I feel this year than last. I figured at this point I would be getting closer to the acceptance stage.

When Elisabeth Kubler-Ross explained grieving as a process that included five stages she also said that the stages could appear in any order and some stages may never happen. I learned in graduate school the infamous acronym for her stages; "DABDA." DABDA stands for; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I began to wonder why is it that we can't have a straight shot through to acceptance, following the DABDA acronym letter by letter. Why do some of us experience "ABDDA" or "DDAAB" or "DD" etc... I think that there are as many answers to that question as ways to rearrange the DABDA letters. Grieving is an intensely personal process. And just as no two fingerprints are identical no two people grieve in the exact same way.

Sometimes there are obstacles that get in the way such as; unresolved issues with the deceased, other seemingly unrelated issues or the amount of trauma associated with that death. I think for me by the end of the first year I was still in a bit of shock and although I was sad the shock buffered the intensity of other feelings. This year with no shock left as a buffer, it's the sadness that is resonating most.

One final thought, if you are grieving be gentle with yourself especially if you find your grief confusing. Statements like, "I should be over this by now," are common. Accepting your grieving process will create fertile ground for self-awareness and healing. If you find that you are having a difficult time coping on your own, try asking for help from friends, clergy, family or therapists as they can be an integral part of the grieving and healing process.

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Displaying comments 41-22 of 41

My hub committed suicide in 97 leaving me 2 raise 3 young children... then our house burnt down and then my seventeen yr old girl hung herself .... I have had more bad days then good.... but then I know we all die.... some young some old and some just linger on ..... its only been a few mths and I have decided I have 2 much living 2 do....no one will steal my rainbow...its hard to step over the bodies but that's life.....

By dustorm Aug 03, 2009

My wife was killed May 30/08. I have no clue who I am or how I'm going to live. We were one and worked so well together. The pain is too great to carry on. If it weren't for the fact that there are five kids who need me, I'd be curled up beside my wife right now. But I exist, despite being 'dead'. If the pain gets worse, as I've read some have experienced, I won't make it and the thought of going on for another 40 yrs like this, and alone, is unbearable. The fact that there is no timeline or procedure to follow drives me nuts. I need things to be organized and procedural...AHHH!!! And then you get people who say stupid things like 'Everything happens for a reason'. So, my wife was killed because God, or some cosmic force or your belief dictated it so. My kids will grow up without a mother because she was 'supposed' to be killed? Crap. Even if that was true, the pain of anything that supposedly is so good at the end isn't worth it.
I just want to run and scream and make it all end, because the loneliness itself will kill me. I can't live with most of my heart gone and the kids just don't fill the void. I think we're the ones to be pitied, the ones left behind.

By MrSPA Nov 26, 2008

My husband died as a result of being a firefighter and went in to the burning house to fight the fire and fell into the basement. While people say well you should have been ready for you knew that something could happen - that is almost as bad if not worse than being asked why am I not over it. I am in my 50's and my husband died in 2007. Recently I went to a Memorial for all firefighters who died in 2007 and feel that is when I had my husband's funeral. For, in 2007, I was in such shock - the suddeness and how he died was too much to bear. After this Memorial I find so many raw emotions. I am glad you wrote this, for people who don't know just can't realize the impact of death and its loss does to a person!

By SadBon Oct 26, 2008

I completely relate to your blog..hugs to you. I am going into my 4th year after the loss of my son..the first year is as you say..shock. The second year was harder, and the third anniversary of his death was even MORE painful..I think the finality of losing them takes a very long time to come to the 'acceptance' stage of grief. I have found ways to cope and try not to dwell..that doesn't mean that I do not still have very difficult days, but time does soften the very sharp pain we feel..~Lisa~

By LeeseH Oct 09, 2008

My wife died 18 months ago and I have read all the theory around grieving and actually have many reservations about it. I have though, learned a lot from sharing with others whose spouses have died at a relatively young age. Both my parents have died in the last few years but the difference that the grief theory doesn't seem to recognise is that we choose our spouses unlike our families and the early loss of a soul mate is not something to simply work through. I know I am not alone after 18 months still feeling such a deep sadness, sorrow, anger, anxiety, emptiness, isolation etc. etc. It really doesn't matter how you re-arrange your "DABDA" it just doesn't work. We are left with a life we didn't plan and one we don't want. The friends, therapists etc. don't really understand unless they've experienced it themselves and in the end provide the "accepted" platitudes that simply don't help. The grief is real and it runs so deep and why wouldn't it when a love was so deep? Death and bereavement are simply not well understood by society and therefore we hide behind this "accepted" grief process which to be quite frank is patronising and unhelpful.

By pneylan Sep 23, 2008

My Mom passed away December 2006. That was hard. My youngest sister passed away December 2007. That was even harder. Up until then I had never had anyone so close to me die. I grieve for them both every day. I have one sister left and we both go back and forth between the sadness, the anger and the disbelief. I know what you mean about the memories....remembering hurts so much that for awhile I tried to just put them out of my mind. It did not work for long because one day it all came crashing in on me and I cried so much and so loud I'm surprised my neighbors did not come running to see if I was being tortured. We will never be the same. I have talked to people whose mother has been gone for over 20 years. They still have their moments of grief. I miss them so much.

By Kevsmom Sep 17, 2008

Hi. I lost my Mom eight months ago and it has devastated me. I know we all use that word (devastated) on here, but with me it truly has in every possible way. She was in my life, every day of my life and now I can't do anything without remembering her. People tell me to cherish my memories without realizing that these memories are exactly like knives stabbing into me. I can't listen to music or do anything without missing her. I've lost most of my family in the last few years and now I'm taking care of my elderly Dad who isn't himself anymore. I have no friends. They all have "things to do" because being around a grieving person is "uncomfortable." Same with my sister who wasn't as close to our parents. It's funny how fast people can disappear when things aren't fun for them. I've looked after, loved, taken care of and watched loved ones pass away from me for over ten years now, and the accumulated sorrow has finally reached the super-saturated point at which I can't take anymore sorrow in because I have become sorrow itself.

By SusG Sep 05, 2008

DEAR JULIE:
9/04/2009

I LOST MY OLDER SISTER 3 YEARS AGO; SHE WAS 57, AND DIED OF A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK. MY MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS, AND I STILL GRIEVE HER. WHEN CERTAIN SITUATIONS COME UP, LIKE I WANTED HER TO KNOW MY KIDS OR GRANDCHILDREN, I FEEL SAD. I ALSO LOOKED UP TO MY SISTER AS "KIND OF A MOTHER FIGURE," IT BROUGHT UP THE GRIEF AGAIN. MY SISTER LIVED 1,000 MILES AWAY, BUT DID SEE HER WHEN SHE CAME HOME. I BECAME VERY ANXIOUS, AND TOOK SOME TRANQUILIZERS, AND WEEKS AND MONTHS AFTER, I WOULD JUST START CRYING. I READ ONCE WHEN YOU GO THROUGH GREIF, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND JUST PUT YOURSELF IN A "COCCOON" FOR A WHILE. MY BLESSING'S ARE WITH YOU, AND BE GRADIFUL YOU HAD YOUR MOTHER AS LONG AS YOU DID. ALSO, SOMEONE TOLD ME THEIR MOTHER HAD DIED AND SHE DOES THINGS TODAY TO HONOR HER MOTHER. HER MOTHER USED TO LOVE TO GO TO TEA RESTUARNTS, SO SHE AND A FRIEND WENT, IN HONOR OR HER MOTHER. I BOUGHT THE ELVIS "LOVE" CD, MY SISTER LIKED IT, AND SHE HAD SOME OF HIS MUSIC PLAYED AT HER FUNERAL. BYE FOR NOW, SHEILA

By shelan Sep 04, 2008

Getting on here has made me feel less alone. Just lost my paternal grandmother, my dad's last remaining parent, on 8/30/2008. Can't say that it wasn't expected. I feel that being on here will help give me a place to heal and remember. Thank you.

By Bougie Sep 02, 2008

I am glad to know that it is still "normal" to hurt years after a loss. My Mom died about 2 and a half years ago and I still often feel that horrible ache in my heart and cry. I read A LOT of books about losing a parent after she died because I thought if I did the research I would understand what was happening better. While the books helped, I do not believe my life will ever be the same again. I am still dealing with feelings of deep sadness that she is no longer here. I just hope I can soon find a peace about her death.

By ConcernedMom5 Aug 31, 2008

Dear beareaveforever:
I threw in my comments before I read any of the others. Generically, I want to say, yes, it does get easier. To say that I am not getting over it is to say that I still the loss very keenly; but not the burning pain that stops me in my tracks and makes me feel I cannot go on. Since my mother passed on, I have lost a sis-in-law to suicide,a cousin to cancer, my dog Shannon to whom I was extraordinarily close, and my dog Josie who comforted me when Shannon crossed over plus my best friend's husband crossed over. And I went through that with her. She is doing better; but she still misses her husband and it has not even been one year. I thinke she will miss him forever.

So, bereavedforever, I have some understanding of where you are. I cannot imagine why Hospice would not let you into a bereavement group. And I certainly understand why you would thinke of them as you do. Grieving takes a long time. You must be gentle with yourself during this time. Very very gentle. Understand that you are mourning not only the loss of your husband, but a whole way of life. You must now live your life as a single woman and not as a partnered woman. And that is hard to face. You said you have no friends? Do you have just one or maybe two friends you can call upon to just come and sit with you? Friends you have known for years who would understand you? There is no time limit on grief. Really there is not. In days gone by, people had an official mourning time of at least one year. And that was considered normal. It takes your body that long to adjust to all the changes you are experiencing. There are emotional as well as physical changes you are going through. You neede the time to do that. Gently.

When I went for my Master's several years ago, Thanatology was my part of my major.....the study of Death and Dying and I did my internship with Hospice. It's amazing how strong people can be. And what they can endure. I believe in you. I thinke you are strong enough to get through this. Cherish the memories of what you had with your husband. He is still alive in you. In those memories. Take your time. And please, be gentle to yourself. Do those things that make you feel goode. Take a bubble bath. Listen to your favourite music. Whatever makes you happy. Do it. Don't be hard on yourself. If you like animals, get a pet. You'd be surprised how wonderfully they can ease your pain. :) I'm rambling now. Let me know how you are doing. I care.

By Ammi Aug 22, 2008

My mother will be gone from us 8 years (yes, I'm counting) December 7,2008. And no, I've not 'gotten over it'. More to the point, I don't figure I will 'get over it'. The best I am hoping for is to come to the place of understanding. The love my mother and I shared was not always easy; intense it was; but not easy. We loved one another very much and that is why I believe I will not 'get over' her crossing over. I deal with it in as healthy manner as I can, I don't let this feeling interfere with my every day life events, and I am moving forward for the most part with my life. I know that wherever my mother is today, she loves me and all is well between us. And that was always the goal.

By Ammi Aug 22, 2008

I just lost my mother last month (July 8, 2008) and I am having a veryyyyyyyy hard time dealing with it. I am really struggling. I don�t know how to deal with this pain. I am also battling with an eating disorder. I am very depressed & sad. I can hardly eat . I don�t know how to deal with this pain. I miss my mom soooooooooooo much ?. People tell me that it will get easier in time, but I don�t know cause it�s only been a little over a month. Please, give me some advice on how to deal with this.

Thanks,
Maggs

By Maggs76 Aug 22, 2008

Well Julie I dread the day I loss my mother (or any of my daughters) as I really feel sooooo horrible about death.
I lost a job one week , then 3 friends died the next week and my youngest daughter disappeared for 4 days the day we were told about the deaths.
It is now about 8 weeks or maybe more(i have lost track) since all this and I thought I should be able to get back to my life but...... depression is dark and heavy and I struggle to get out of bed still.

I see I shall have to give myself a bit of time for the healing process and stop being so hard on myself, hey? it it just I feel like I am going crazy at times or that it 's easier for me to give up.

susan

By Suzannaho1 Aug 19, 2008

THink positive and tell youself I can and will survive. The best medicine and therapy is reading scripture Psalms 23, Romans 28, Psalms 91, St John 3:16. Even tho a lot of us go through things in life we as human beings have different crisisand issues different diagnosis and we are here to support one another. When I lost my father which is over 30yrs ago to this day when I think about him I began to cry why because when we loose a love one it seems that thier is no one that can take thier place. I have accepted the fact that he is gone but his spirt lives within me. We have to move on for the rest of our family and let GOd strengthen you. Sometime medicne helps but the best medicine is reading your bible for comfort I relize when I was really grieving it was because I did not have a spiritual relationship with Christ. Accepting Christ in our lives will give you peace, joy and love. Sometimes we hold back why, because of guilt and shame or is it somthing that we should have said to that love one we lost. What ever the situation is or was is in the past we have to forgive and move on and accept the things we cannot change. The more I get into the word of GOd the less I have to rely on my medicine and I trully have faith to get completely off of my Paxil. Trust me first ask your self why and sit down and write down all of the positives thing you want to correct in your life starting with your Goals. I am 53 and I have decided to Get my BA degree. Try doing some of the things that you wanted to accomplish and this will keep you busy and in the end you will be very pride that you did. This website is for working adults or person who want to reach thier goals financially. GO to www.LETU.Com. It is a very great christian college and it will help you suceed in your future. Be Blest and remember that GOD careth for you. My degree is Criminal Justice Adminstration and counseling the best person to help others is the ones that have experience pain, grievement and crisis. Every testimony will help someone somewhere. Today is your day to make that happen to all who feel sad, angry, useless for you are a person who can overcome you situation take oneday at a time.

anointedone.net@sbcglobal.net

By anointed Aug 11, 2008

It's been 6 months exactly since my dad passed. last night unresolved or selfish decisions came to me like a mac truck and had a melt down. Today juse very sad... I've been busy and haven't really take time to deal with some of this either. The busy-i-ness of life to not think about it. But, ouch.... I need to forgive and deal with some things to resolve and get to another stage I guess.

By lddixon Aug 10, 2008

I am 3/4 through the second year of grieving for my husband. The entire first year was filled with constant activity. The "business" of death of a husband and business partner as well as selling and moving into a new home after 26 yrs was a full time job. During the 2nd yr a more realistic understanding of my aloneness coincided with the decline in support from family and friends. This 2nd year has been more difficult than the first because the fog has lifted and I have been challenged with accepting the reality of being a widow.

By LongIslandKat Aug 10, 2008

Julie,
It has been 19 months since my brother took his life. I have never really gone through all the stages of grief. I have not been angry with my brother or God. There has been no denial. I think that I went to the depression stage and still there. When I go to his grave I still cry just thinking of him now the tears well up. I never got to say goodbye to him. I have done one think that brought me some peace. One of my friends here on DS suggested that I let balloons go while standing at his grave. Does it ever get easier?

By PTowe Aug 10, 2008

I lost six family members in one year The oldest was my dad he was 57 the youngest was 15. It was a horrible horrible year, But a year and a half ago, I lost an entire community, Although it was because of my own actions, It has still been the hardest thing I have ever ever gone thrue, I cried everyday for pretty much the first year, I am just now getting to where I don't obsess on it so much, But it changed everything, I am not anything like the person I was before. I miss my friends, I miss so much. I'm not sure if I will ever be totally over it, But I know I will never be the same.

By Owshen Aug 10, 2008

What a great explanation of some of the bumps in the road of grief. And you are so right about folks rearranging the stages. My husband was diagnosed w/terminal liver disease and not only him but my kids and I have all gone through the stages out of order and some of them twice and some of us have been stuck in one particular phase. I think it's important to seek out support but when it's anticipatory grief you're going through, it changes your life just as much, but not as much support is available.
Good luck to all who are grieving a loved one.

By lin4114 Aug 09, 2008

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