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Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
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Confronting Confrontation: Why We Avoid it
I remember growing up that my mother always said, "Pick your battles." As a child, I never fully understood what she meant but it seemed very wise. As an adult, I have learned how painstaking and difficult it can be to confront a loved one, friend, colleague or even a stranger.
Serendipitously, as I was writing this article from my living room, I heard screaming coming from down the street. I looked out to see two of my neighbors yelling at each other. I must have caught the tail-end because the only words I caught were, "you're a troublemaker" and then a slamming door. Maybe this is why we are afraid to confront. The possibility of a confrontation becoming heated and an ensuing fight. Also, the potential of losing a relationship such as what just happened with my neighbors is frightening.
Some of you might be thinking, "All confrontations are heated or involve fighting." This makes sense as many of us have experienced negative and hurtful confrontations. I do hope to challenge that belief because I think that confrontation can happen without fights or hurt feelings. Confrontation can be empowering especially if it's done with respect towards all parties. It's an opportunity to have others understand your wants and needs. It does not have to be about judgment and blame. I have written many times about how vital expressing yourself is to treating depression and anxiety. And, if you are not used to telling people your thoughts and feelings it can feel like confrontation even though the opposite may be true.
Even the dictionary is confused about the meaning of confrontation. I found five definitions split between a fight and a disagreement. This was my favorite, "a focused comparison; bringing together for a careful comparison." Simply this means the ability to converse civilly about different points of view. Approaching a conflict with this in mind lends itself to working out the issue rather than choosing sides and fighting.
I know this is easier said than done but maintaining and creating healthy relationships always takes work. And after all, isn't that a battle worth picking?
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i got my psp stolen and my friend witnessed it (3 DAYS PASSED and im sure its still with him because he is a friend of my friend and he told him hes not selling it). He told me and now, im 100%. what should i do? if i will confront him, how do i break his conscience?
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Over Memorial Day weekend, we were on a trip and had the opportunity to sit with each other and I was able to bring up some of the issues in a relaxed manner, taking the time to think of the words before they came out.
I do feel it was empowering for me, and over the next two days there was a definite positive change in his attitude. Since then I feel things are "settling back" to "normal", although it was a good first step to resolving some of my own issues in the relationship and/or bringing us closer to figuring out what we can do.
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That went well???? I guess the best I can say is that I didn't succumb to the name calling, low punches from the otherside. I walked out with a small amount of dignity. But I lost a job and a best friend.
Now I am alone and all the past life she is making me pay for it.
Please people make sure you pick your battles but get it out in the open or you could end up like ME.
Regards
While I think confrontation at home and at work should be the same... I found they are not. I could "confront" someone at work, because we all had our "professional" hats on. But at home, "confronting" my husband (now ex) generally did not work (98% of the time).
At work we are taught to model respect for the other person (regardless), be positive whenever challenged, and stay centered on the topic when dicussing the issue.
I did not always follow the same prinicples when confronting husband at home.
He, on the other hand, did not care to know or follow any communication principles.
We definately could have worked on our communication efforts at home when we were married. Just some thoughts on my experience with confrontation.
Personally, I think most confrontation can be avoided with proper communication, but so few communicate properly. Namaste.
Being confrontational doesn't always mean physical fighting or abusive language. Most of the time for me is just asking a person " what does that mean " or Why would you say that " etc. Then if they get beligerent I close my mouth and walk away, because the reasoning has been lost and has become a power struggle.
after months of soul-searching I was finally starting to get it when one of my fake friends said hello to me as she was passing by my locker in a snotty way. Inside me it was like a fuse was lit and I immediately stuffed the remainder of my things in my locker and chased after her. I confronted her and told her that we weren't friends, and told her exactly what I thought of her and her friends and told her about the hell they have put me through. It felt great. Since then I hardly think of them-and when I do it is usually pity and disgust.
Whatever he intended on making me do backfired on him because I too thought he too was a stupid-two timer.
Anyways back to the main point-one of my friends managed to get me to see the light on these friends-so much so that I eventually broke up with these friends that were treating me so badly.
However by that time I had already taken huge hits to my self-esteem and frequently found myself thinking what did I do wrong? I am I really that bad of a friend? Why couldn't I see these things coming? etc and so forth.
One day after doing a lot of soul-searching for a couple of months and making large improvements in my life I finally started to understand these people and myself better (i.e. They were people who had bad values and low self-esteem with not much going well in their lives, my real friends were weak for various reasons (low self-esteem, etc) and I was one who my fake friends envied because from what they saw on the outside (I was a honors student who was a city champion wrestler, looked almost always happy, and was relatively popular etc) they became so envious of that they decided to do whatever they could to sabotage me and my self-esteem.
So one day after a couple of years of being relatively separated from them and