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Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
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Confrontation Part 2: Preparing for a "No-Win" Confrontation
In my last blog I focused on changing your perspective towards confrontation to a rational discussion of differences. As many of you pointed out, this is not always possible as sometimes the other party involved just wants to fight. Whether this is a boss, colleague or family member it's never easy going into a confrontation feeling you are about to be eaten alive. Ideally, a calm yet firm statement of your perspective is best but what if the other person won't stop until they have bullied their way to the finish line.
I was talking to a friend recently who was avoiding her boss. She had spent the last two weeks with sleepless nights and anxious eating as she knew her boss was going to "go off" on her. She explained an incident where her boss did not feel supported by her. Typically, her boss waits for the right moment and "attacks." My friend described how over the years she has learned that the only way out is facing it and that she ultimately will apologize even though she did nothing wrong. Her boss holds the power in this relationship and my friend feels powerless in her presence.
This is not an uncommon situation. I can almost see some of you nodding your heads. So how do you survive an emotionally abusive confrontation? Of course, if there is any potential for violence I would encourage you to get away and get help. But assuming, this is verbal and hurts your soul but not your body, what are some strategies to get through it.
The best strategy you can have is a strong support system. It's incredibly important that if you have to face a no-win confrontation that you have your friends around you to validate your self-worth. I find that most of the damage that comes out of this sort of situation is an assault on one's self-esteem. It's vital to have a safe place to detox from such an unhealthy encounter.
In addition, rehearsing is another strategy. Now you may not "win" (or maybe you will!) but, by rehearsing possible scenarios, you will become more familiar with what might be thrown at you. I find that many folks who are scared of a no-win confrontation have experienced them before and know what the other person is going to say. Talking it out and role playing may help to ground you and stay focused during the actual confrontation.
Finally, accepting that facing this dragon will be difficult but you will survive it. Think about how to care for yourself after. Enlist a friend that you can call right after to process what just happened. Plan a healing activity for yourself such as a walk, massage or maybe an hour at the batting cage! Self-care in whatever form it manifests is cruci
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Displaying comments 18-1 of 18
Got a Question?
Need to find new solicitor to take on a negligence case against my last
solicitor who let the case run out of time. We were ready to take the case to mediation at the time.
Have found a solicitor who I think could be suitable and who is prepared to take on the case but he works on a no win no fee bases, the last case was done on legal aid, believe certificate still running. Need to know what disadvantages there are if any, in changing over to a no fee no win system?
Firm says you get 100% of the compensation.
Should I change over, or try to find another solicitor suitable, who is prepared to take it on legal aid?
Buy Resveratrol
Your comment on the nature and extent of muslim-hindu confrontation during the 11th and 12th centuries?
And why was it important to the history of India.
Or any source where I can found more info on that?
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I have had little or no support system, sometimes nothing more than a family counselor. Other times, in the past, I simply picked the wrong groups of friends for support--other people who were suffering from verbal abuse like me, but who were unfortunately coping with it through very self-destructive acts. That's not a support system, that's a train wreck!
Since coming to DS and getting out on my own, I've had more of an oppotunity to detox from occasional destructive encounters with the family.
I also agree with zounds and praesumo viva that it's a good idea to leave if the situation doesn't work itself out like if the perpetrator moves on, etc -- get another job, divorce, etc etc. Here's a good example: My sister was married to a bully who drank, yelled, and put her down. She stuck with him till their sons were grown, but by then her eldest used the same tactics on her. He was about 19 and going to college and he gave her a terrible, terrible time. My sister always stuck by her son: didn't throw him out onto the streets or cut him off so he could not finish school. But he was living with her and visited his dad a lot (same town). I suggested rather timidly to her that maybe my nephew could live with his dad and visit HER. This was a revelation to her, and things improved between them 90%. (Ten years and much difficulty later, he has a great sales job making $100,000 a year and has been in AA, clean and sober for 2-3 years. He is respectful of everyone now, including his mom.
There will be time for dealing with your own issues after you've simplified the scenario. Facing conflict directly sounds foolhardy.
mary@transitionaldreams.com
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