I had the rug pulled out from me last night. My husband met me on the porch when I arrived home, and said he was leaving. I was standing there with my two children, literally ffeeling like I had been sucker punched. I can't breathe and feel not only emotionally sick, but physically sick. I can't see past my hurt right now, what do I do?

i think the reason we are so angry in the beginning is because this person Portrayed a different picture to us in the "inception" phase.

After we got married he was the opposite: avoided crowds and rude, told me, "I thought you wanted to settle down".
His idea of life was a job,working.

So the real person came out after we got married, literally the next day!

I kept telling myself what is it that I missed and I even told him, What did I miss! I was so shocked to meet the REAL PERSON. I didn't like him one bit!

I told him he wanted to live a life of a deathly ill person, to go find himself a Lazy Boy recliner and to go sit and die.

The bad thing of all of this was that The very thing avoided, I ran right into. I noticed how many marriages seem to die after marriage and I use to say that is not going to be me.

I now have 101 questions. I'm still too afraid of dating someone: liking them, and then after toooo much time has gone by then the REAL PERSON COMES OUT!

this is sort of long but I appreciate this article and can relate to what I think is being completely oblivious: I started talking to a guy who became very interested and very very enthusiastic about dating me. I have been going through depression,(severe depression but happens rarely...once in a few years)and knew I probably shouldnt be dating. so I kept telling him I was not all he built me up to be.he said he understood but wanted to know me. he invited me to spend a weekend with him and for some reason I agreed. maybe loneliness. In the weekend I sort of had a crying spell and sunk into a depression so I tried to hide it and eventually told him that I was acting funny because I have an issue with depression and he told me to take the time I needed and call him when I was ready.

A little over a week later in having a bad night I contacted him, needing a friend. thinking because he was so nice to me he'd understand. I even apolagized for leaning on him and told him It was going to pass. I also said he was so wonderful that he deserved better than how strange I've been and although I liked him I could understand if he wanted to move on. He basically then calls me nuts...over text and told me to leave him alone, to which I ask why he would say that and I got defensive-lashed out he then says " psycho whore." I couldn't understand the change so I began calling to ask and say I'm sorry if I had crossed the line by being honest, etc. now he is literally treating me like a stalker, telling me I am sick and have problems, etc. when someone says that sort of thing I want to know why and perhaps I was too persistant with asking...but I thought it was ok since this guy texted me constantly and called me every night and told me how interesting and unique I was and wanted to know me.

I know depression is hard on relationships and I did act out of character...and I now know it was wrong to lean on someone I didn't know that well. but why call someone 'psycho' and treat them like they are insane when they are going through a hard time? What makes women "psycho"? I never ever considered myself any of those things and not only does it hurt, but I cannot figure out why...

Im wondering if (and be honest either way) sometimes guys rush to call women "psycho" or "nuts" so they don't feel bad about changing their minds. Is this possible? and are there any guys out there that won't want to belittle you for having a chemical imbalance and trying to be open about it.

this whole thing has made me feel terrible. the words "psycho whore" keep going through my head. Please give any insight you can, and be honest...I can handle the truth...as long as it is fair.

My perspective on "You did not see it coming" is more like "I live to live in denial" at least until I get to the next phase.

I saw it coming. But I looked the other way.

What if you expected it and saw it coming but thought it would work out ok. This is a recurring thought with me. Why...when I knew...I think I'm scared of my self and who or what I am. I don't trust my self and maybe not him. or anyone.

This was very much needed. Thank you for your valuable contribution.

tadlem--yeah there are quite a number of times when "teaching by example" just won't cut it in a relationship. And really, it shouldn't because you're dealing with another adult, not a child. Too much of that sort of thing,the "Don't you get yet?" attitude can become insulting. Many times the other person DOES get it, but has a different idea of what should be done about it. And of course some people don't really have it within themselves to give it--whatever "it" is--and are probably hoping and praying that it's relatively trivial for you and you can just do without it like you can do without ketchup. But in the end that's up for you to decide, I think, not the other person. The question "Is it too much to ask?" gets answered by you.

Beatin BP--on the other hand it sounds like in your case, that person wasn't getting it, or wasn't able to respond...at least in a way that the other person felt helped by. So naturally that other person is gonna say "I've gotta get out of here because they're 'not' doing something." With a situation like that, it's about what a person ISN'T doing, rather than what they are doing. As in any relationship, you stay for positive reasons, and leave for negative ones. If your friend had some really unreasonable expectations though, I can see why the other side would be outraged.

I think there's two sides to this. From reading the comments below it's made me look at my own situation and re-evaluate. On the one hand, there is the aspect of the leaving partner keeping their feelings secret for a long time before they announce their intention to leave to their partner. There is a feeling of betrayal, because they knew for so long and continued to act as if nothing was the matter. There can be warning signals, but when the outgoing partner is not truthful at this stage, it only serves to make things worse. For example: "I need some space" "do you want to separate?" "No! Why do you always think the worst?" "Well, what is it that you do want?" "I don't know, let's not talk about this anymore." and then things go back to "normal" for a while. Doesn't help. Because when the breakup comes, it is doubly horrible as the warning signs were there, they were read correctly, and then denied. The person left behind feels bad that they could have done more, should have seen it coming, although they *did* see it coming and they were never given the opportunity to try to work things out because their partner was dishonest about their feelings.

On the other hand there is the self-fulfilling prophesy. As the dumpee this is the one I identify with. "I always knew it would end like this" is not a nice way to go through a relationship. I have no doubt that I was happier when I wholeheartedly engaged with the relationship and felt that I *deserved* to be happy. Waiting for "the inevitable" to strike is miserable. How much happier would we be if we could go into a relationship with no expectations and hope for it to last rather than cower in a corner waiting for it to end? When we're blindsided by "I didn't see it coming" we should be happy in some way that we were not living in fear and we do not hold ourselves responsible for other people's failures.

Wendyhi, i can SO relate to what you said!! for me, being in a relationship involves total committment to each other and total giving and receiving. but it seems that this concept taxes most people to the point that they just run. we have needs, and wants and all of the 'articles' and therapists say that you have to ask for what you need. point taken, but when you do, the other person either can't or won't give it. and i'm not talking about extravagant things.. ordinary, simple things like making me a priority or taking a few minutes to do a little something to let me know i'm special. (a note, make dinner, a nice massage, etc) is that just too much to ask?? it seems to be.
i'll admit i have very deep emotions and very intense emotions. i know that is intimidating to a lot of people, but i'm more than willing to give up some of that depth and intensity if i could get my needs met. also, 'teaching by example' doesn't seem to work, either. i give and give and then when i ask for the same or similar in return, it just isn't there. it seems to wind up with me doing most of the work in the relationship and the other person coasting on my shirt-tails.
i just don't get it. (maybe that's the problem!)

The answer to most of if not all problems lies in the cause. I know of a male who for 12 months planned to leave his partner. He told friends of his intention, and even told his partner. His partner begged him to think about the choice he intended making.

Regardless, he made the choice, and guess what? He now shifts all blame for their breakup onto her. What was the cause of this breakup? He has convinced his partner in some way that she is guilty, and now she feels so, but it was he who made the decision to leave, even though she wished for it not to happen.

As a fellow male I can not, and will not support his side. He has told her that he intends killing himself now if they can not come back together, no reconcilliation, just get back together, as it was before he walked out. They have two children, and he says when it is his turn to have them that she is fobbing them off onto him, is this bloke for real or not?

The cause of his problem is him, he chose to run away when the going got tough, and still continues to run. In my estimation he is a very weak human being, forget the fact that he just so happens to be male.

I have tried to engage him once in conversation, I listened to him speak, and then I asked two questions of him, instead of gaining his attention, he continued to rant on, does this guy have a problem or what? Of course he does, and it is up to him, and him alone to fix it.

I wouldnt say 'why didnt i see it coming?' but 'why did I let it continue even though I saw it coming?' Why do I need to ride that rollercoster of pain and heartache just because its more interesting/exhilerating than the status quo? I see it coming, I anticipate it, I dont really want it but it keeps me feeling alive NOT dead.

I saw mine coming. I always do. I think it's that I can see that they won't be able to handle the depth of emotion I can. They can't get as close to me as I can to them. I don't know, maybe that means we don't have as much in common. I just know if I ask beyond a certain point, they won't be able to give.

Thank you for your article and I will take it to heart and try to apply your suggestions. I found myself just spinning around in circles just trying to figure out what I did wrong as a husband. It's tough when you still love the person you thought you knew. Thanks

This article is attributable to BOTH sexes, not just to the female or male line only. It peeves me when one reads an article like this and the reaction by those who read it becomes subjective rather than objective.

Regardless of whether we see things coming or not in a relationship, the reality is, and always will be, 'it takes two to tango.' If you do not meet the needs of another or vice versa, then so be it, to lay blame anywhere is an immature response to a much needed learned life experience.

Objectivety is the key to open-minded learning, and ensures that we continue to grow until the end of our time. Every experience then should be seen as a positive invasion in our lives, and as such MUST be embraced regardless of whether it is in fact a positive or negative intrusion.

I find that I did a lot of self help after I did the I didn't see it coming. I understand that and it has taken me awhile to find forgiveness.

Yes, self-blame is such a tragedy. Only through self-worth can one truly give positive worth to others.

Thank-you for this article!I just recently went through a break up and thats exactly what I said to myself!Why didn't I see this comming.Your article made me feel better,we aren't psychic!Thanks again,Toriv

I went with a guy of my Chaldean roots, ok my half roots. He used me and took me to bed. He didn't want to go with me again. But, I asked why. Then, he said that he would go with me again. But, he is divorced wth a Lebanese ex-wife and children. So, I decided that would be wrong for my Father and my situation. Plus, we are leaving to Italy. I would of went with him again, but he was married before and has an already made family. I used to think how I had hatred for my father's women friends. Then, how his children might feel. I know the man has needs and maybe I can "rationalize" it that way. But, I would feel second and to blame as it were my fault. I don't want another "Casanova" type of situation. I am going on my trip,and my father needs me. I just can't believe how us women can fall as prey so easily and how the men get away with it more..

PS I did attend a church based group on 'Rebuilding a couple of yrs after the divorce to help me better identify the reason I chose unwisely the only time I have been married....and hopefully help me refrain from choosing unwisely the 2nd time.