My experience, people that hurt others in any way, are miserable within their own lives. They are incapable of being happy with themselves. They hurt others to deflect from their own pain.
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Although, I do feel bad for myself sometimes, I am more pissed off at myself because I'm not be the Victor, The Empowered one, the one who doesn't care about what anyone thinks, Getting back by getting ahead.
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I relate to LauraRH. I understand the hurt she is feeling, and I would like her to know that I am rooting for her to overcome her struggles. I hope she can build a strong network of people around her that support her and lift her up, so the people who are betraying her will not seem so important or powerful. It may not seem like it, but there are people who care.

I don't know if this is betrayal
I have been seeing a psyc for five years
I have been battered and abused and stalked
Psyc told me he is dead- he is not
I trusted her so much- why would she say this?

Just what I needed. Thanks a ton!

Albert Ellis' book "Rational Emotive Therapy" helped be to overcome bitterness that had eaten a hole in my stomuch, leading to an ulcer. The ulcer healed when I forgave the person who I judged as "wronging me" for the last 30 years.

helpful how you mentioned, that sometimes we want to forgive, though for self protection, we cannot feel safe to do so. thank you.

Thank you for this wonderful article.

When I was 7 years old, my parents seperated and I was sent to live with my father's oldes sister. When I was 10 their divorce was final and my Dad remarried. So my little brother and I went to live with him and our step-mother. When I was 15 I was told I had to leave because I had insulted my step-mother, which I did. So I went to live with my friend and her family. They were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. With Dad's permission, I joined the Church a couple months later.
When I was 25, I had my 1st child and renewed my relationship with my Dad. When I was 34 I renewed my friendship with my Mother. At 58, I finally renewed my friendship with my step-mother. She is Born-Again and much more mellow than when I was a child. This is my story in a nut-shell.
In one of our other books of Scripture there is a couple verses that were given to the early members of our Church. It says that we are to forgive all mankind or we carry the worst sin. The Lord told them that He will forgive who He will forgive, but we are required to forgive all mankind.
That does not that we are to forget. That would be best too. But that doesn't mean that we must stay in the situation either. We are put on this earth to learn. So when we are hurt by someone, even a mate or other loved one, does not mean we need to continue that relationship.
Sometimes it takes a long time to do the forgiving. But trust me, when all is said and done, the one doing the forgiving is the better person, even if the one needing forgiving does not deserve it.
So you are not LDS. There are many scriptures in the Bible about forgiving that will bring you some comfort and help you to understand how important it is for your well-being to forgive.
All of the messages that I have read - many, but not all - are very good. I hope that one of us helps you all. dlbaker

a seperate situation was a boyfriend of mine one of the best.but i was still struggling with childhood abuse issues.so i wasn't good to him and hurt him.i regret it to this day.

i can't forgive if i forgive the person will just hurt me again.why do people like to hurt?gwena

I think that anyone that has been hurt, physically or emotionally really needs to stay true to themselves. Not real sure that someone that was abused is able to "forgive" the abuser. The victims need to find their inner strength so that they are able to "accept" what has happened to them so they are able to move on. I have accepted my past, but I will never forgive my exhusband for the emotional hell and the physical pain that was inflicted upon me and my children because of his narcisstic traits and his abusive outburts. However, I try every day to stay true to who I am, which gives me the strength to "accept" my past. My present still has obstacles from my past, but I do the best I can do to choose the right direction so I can try to do the right thing. Acceptance is a little easier to come to terms with for me, as oppose to forgiveness. In my experience, people that hurt others in any way, are miserable within their own lives. They are incapable of being happy with themselves. They hurt others to deflect from their own pain. In their minds, they feel better about themselves, because their hurt goes away at someone else's cost. It's really pathetic what makes hurtful people do the things they do to others.

For me, I have held myself ready to forgive, when he shows remorse and makes repentance and/or retribution. So my heart is at peace and ready, he is still not ready to ask forgiveness or be forgiven. So he is not forgiven. But could I? In a heartbeat. He is standing in the way of forgiveness, not me. Forgiveness MEANS something and is earned, in my book, anyway.

Yes, I agree with janthina message dated October 20. Work on yourself and forgive yourself first and foremost. No need to be a martyr and forgive monsters who for whatever reasons decide to hurt and betray people. They have issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you and trying to fix these half done people is a waste of precious time. We have the power to move on and create a new existance and reality for ourselves.

I'm choosing to stay close to my family. You can always replace a boyfriend/husband but your children, siblings and other family members cannot be replaced. Some of us are done with boyfriends and husbands but rather spend quality time teaching and loving a new generation and for me they are the grandchildren.

I want to move on with my life and i know that people say to do that you need to forgive. My step cousin hurt me and other memebers of my family. I am really only her step cousin and she has told my step mother and half sisters that I am not part of the family. Everyone is in the process of forgiving her and persueing a relationship with her again. With everything that I struggle with I just don't want this in my life. My cousin would never apologize to me and basically thinks that she has done nothing to me. She turned a group of friends against me. They were the mothers at the school that I stood with while waiting for my kids. Now they stand with her and laugh at me. She spread rumors about me at the school and told them all abou tmy depression, something that I don't jsut reveal to everyone. But I have found that I am so consumed with anger and wanting revenge that I can't just get on with things. I desparately want o just move on and forget about her but just don't even know where to start. how do I forgive someone who is still making my life miserable?

Me and my husband have been together 4 six yrs the first 3yrs it was all about drugs and I betrayed him. He took me back and forgave me. But everyday remimded me of what I done to him I know it was wrong and i begged for forgivness as long as i could then i grew cold. Remind u still drugs are involded. Then one day he asked me to marry him I said yes. Two months later I left him and moved in with our drug dealer. Ten months down the road my new boyfried and i got off drugs and begin a life together. But i was still married and could not be happy so I left him and went back to my husband who was not of drugs. Then I beganin doning them again.
Two yrs later i told him I was leaving I couldnt take the drugs and the reminding me every day what I did to him. A person can only say your sorry and beg for forgivness for so long. Any way we both decided together to get saved and get off drugs. We did. We are now drug free.
The thing is, God forgave me for my sins and the terriable things I did to my husband and set me free. My husband said he did the same for him. He forgave me and was never going to mention it again. But still to this day I'm reminded one way or another the things I did to him. He told me he cant forget and sometimes Has to let me know I told him we cant keep going on like this I can't it hurts to much. I know hes hurting but thats why we turned to God. How can I help him move passed this point. We now have let God out of our lives which I tell him is why this is happeing but he says thats not true. He back to hes old ways of hurting and not letting me forget whats happened in the past. Please help me. Sweetlies

My point of view about forgiving is, if one keeps constantly hurting you and you keep forgiving them. does,nt that make the person think its ok for them to treat one anyway they want .Because they know you will forgive them. Thats what been happening to me over and over again, What does one do

I just godda say, I am feeling much better since I let myself off the hook and decided that I don't have to forgive anyone for anything. #28 helped a lot. I'm giving myself a break and taking on the attitude that thing don't have to be "good" or "bad" they just are. I don't want to go thru my whole life hating myself for not being able to forgive just because that is what is supposedly the "Only way to heal". I don't think it is anymore. I think that opening my mind to other ways of looking at things has helped more than trying to be something that didn't fit.

Betrayal, break-ups, separations, and deaths all have similar effects on individuals on the receiving end of the "event." Humans form emotional attachments with others that is similar to the attachments formed by addiction. The brain assumes a comfort zone and once that zone is disturbed, discomfort follows.
I think most of us can admit that if it weren't for our emotions, many things wouldn't seem as important to us. Example: Without emotions, one's favorite football team's losses wouldn't be as tramatic.
As a result, there are drugs now that when administered shortly after a tragic event (like loosing a limb) drastically reduce the likelihood of post-traumatic stresses related to the incident.
What all of us humans must someday learn is that nothing we experience is real. It is just the brain's interpretation of electro-chemical signals gathered via sensory organs induced by stimuli external to the body. We should cherish this when it is a good experience since the body's response to good experiences is a chemical signal that manifests as pleasure. And we should learn from but shun experiences that induce discomfort.

Forgiving takes time. It does not happen spontaneously. You have to make the decision to forgive and then work toward it. I worked at getting my head and my heart to a place that allowed me to give myself permission to forgive. You may ask why the victim should do the work when they did not perpretatrate the betrayal. In my case is was a lying, cheating ad deceiful husband. Initially I felt forgiving him and his mistress was a betrayal to myself. I had a right to be hurt and angry after I had worked so hard to save a mariage that my husband had checked out of years ago. I finally got to the point where I was just plain tired of carrying the burden of the hurt and pain in my heart. It was wearing my down emotionally and physically. I chose to stop punishing myself and feeling bad fo something that was done to me. As long as I held on to the pain I was giving my former husband and his mistress control over my thoughts and feelings. My former huband and mistress do not know that I have reached a point of fogiveness and peace. They don't need to know. I dont intend to tell them. the Forgiveness released me from my prison of pain and anger.

Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving does not mean that the exhusband will be in my life as a "friend" as he thought we should. My couselor pointed out that friends don't screw you over.
Forgiving brings the healing you need so you don't react emotionally to seeing or thinking about the one who betrayed you. I am much more relaxed and optomistic that the effects of th betrayal will not cloud my emotions and health in the future. Holding on to the anger literally exhasted me. It became an excuse to over-eat and drink more than my share of wine every weekend. Healing my spirit by letting go of the betrayal has had the effect of healing my body. I'm sure the more devasting the betrayal and the effects it had on you in terms of finances and relationships, the longer it will take to get to a place where you are ready to forgve.