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Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles. Her areas of focus include: depression, anxiety, panic, post-traumatic stress, bipolar…
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I am dedicating this article to all of you who will be spending Valentine's Day alone. Now I know that there is no way to convince someone who puts a lot of weight into this holiday and is spending it alone to feel great about it. So I promise not to say any cliché lines (with the exception of the title!) that people say to cheer you up. I will not give you stock answers like: "go buy yourself a box of chocolates," "send yourself flowers," "it's just a day invented by Hallmark so people will buy more cards" or "Valentine's Day is so overrated!"
So, many of you may be thinking at this point, thanks Julie I really feel worse now! Thanks for rubbing it in my face that I will be alone for Valentine's Day and that there is no way to feel better about it. I promise you that is NOT my intention. But, as a therapist I try to find a therapeutic value or opportunity for growth in every tough situation.
First of all, most holidays real or created by a card company tend to bring up a lot of self deprecating comments or self loathing, especially if you are unable to join in the celebration. Take notice if you find yourself making statements like, "what's wrong with me?" or "I am incapable of having a meaningful relationship." Irrational thoughts like these need to be stopped.
The best Valentine's Day gift you can give yourself is a rational thought! Try to identify what you are feeling and change the belief around that feeling. If you are feeling lonely, instead of berating yourself with negative self talk try something more rational. For example, an irrational thought like; "no one wants to be my valentine because I am ugly," can be reframed to "I am just feeling lonely and it will pass." Of course you need to personalize your reframe to what is realistic to you.
Another, technique that often helps to get your rational brain working is to imagine what you would say to a friend in that situation. If a friend told you that they felt ugly, would you ever tell them that you agreed with them. Of course not! Most likely you would tune into their vulnerability and try to help them out of their funk with more rational thoughts.
Finally, if it does make you feel better to buy chocolate or flowers for yourself, then by all means indulge! I wish you all a "rational" Valentine's Day...
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I especially like "The best Valentine's Day gift you can give yourself is a rational thought! " Not only today, but every day, this is the best gift we can do for ourselves. Thank you for the reminder.
Also, you point about considering how we would react to a friend saying something we are saying to ourselves is a good one-- we often slip into being mean to ourselves in ways we would never be to our friends.
Enjoy your day!
Alone in Ohio.
I am not a holiday person (save for religious holidays that actually have a point, and Labour Day because of the Air Show downtown), so Valentines Day per se does not affect me much. Nevertheless there is competition at our office as to whose SO or Husband or whatever will send the nicest or more expensive bouquet. When one is a spinster, that is just a part of life. Fortunately it is only one day and then it will be over for another year.
Thank you for recognizing us and your kind words. This and New Years Eve are my two least favorite days of the year.
a Happy Valentine's Day as well...