Marriage and Family Therapist
Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
5 Ways to Improve Your Self Esteem
Posted in Anxiety by Julie Cohen on Jun 23, 2009

We all have moments when we feel bad about ourselves. Sometimes even changing our routine slightly can make a huge difference in creating a positive outlook. Of course this list is not meant to offer a quick fix for anxiety or depression but rather a way to help catch and reverse irrational  negative self talk that fuels low self esteem.

1.  Call a friend or supportive family member:  Even though this is stating the obvious its important to mention. Often it only takes a few kind words or just hearing a loved ones voice to lift us out of a bad mood. You don't have to go into details about what or how you are feeling but you need to make the connection. Isolation breeds loneliness and negative self talk. Not surprisingly reaching out and connecting has the opposite effect. Many times, a mood can change dramatically just by talking to a friend.

2.  Do one thing positive towards your health:  Ignoring good physical and mental health exacerbates low self-esteem. Just making a small effort towards good health can help improve your self-image. You can schedule a doctor's appointment you have been avoiding, take a long walk, eat healthier or even take a step towards quitting smoking. Pick an activity that resonates with you and keep it small. Long term success is often easier by setting manageable goals.

3.  Challenge your negative self-statements:  Sometimes I make clients identify their negative self-thoughts. Then I ask them how many time a day do they indulge those thoughts. Often the number is too high to count and typically they aren‘t even aware that they are doing it. What this means is that negative self-talk is often an unconscious act and that those negative thoughts go unchallenged.  Challenge those thoughts every time you catch them coming out of your mouth or entering your consciousness. Ask yourself regardless if they are true are they helping you in anyway to feel better about yourself. Or is there good reason to have those negative thoughts. If you cannot think of a good reason then banish them!

4.  Help someone in need: One really good way to feel better about yourself is through helping others. There is a special connectedness that happens when you volunteer to help others. This does not mean let someone take advantage of you. It means that when you give of yourself you will  increase your sense of purpose in the world.  Some examples include volunteering with the elderly or with children, volunteering to baby sit, or bring soup to a sick friend.  

5.  Do something you have been avoiding:  Avoidance feeds anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. I know it can feel counter-intuitive to do something that you have been avoiding. The whole purpose that we avoid is usually all the negative feelings we perceive will surface if action is taken. However, the opposite is true. Avoidance actually creates negative feelings whereas being proactive in your life increases a sense a self-worth. Try something small and see how it feels such as taking the dog for a walk or tackling a pile of papers that need to be filed.  


CATEGORIES: News
CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anxiety  •  Bipolar Disorder  •  Codependency  •  Coming Out  •  Depression  •  Gay Men's Challenges  •  Lesbian Relationship Challenges  •  Loneliness  •  Panic Attacks
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Displaying comments 29-10 of 29
29
#2, 3, and 5 are actually very helpful to me. Thank you so much.
By Ced357  Aug 19, 2009
28
I feel like people get so tired of hearing my crap. People tell me I should write a book, what on earth would I call it. Dysfunction 101, keep me in your prayers that I get over these negative thoughts. I want to smile and enjoy life but I have a feeling it is going to get worst before it gets better.
By kg1130  Jul 23, 2009
27
I was in a 20+ year marriage when my husband who is 9 years my senior entered his midlife crisis coupled with his post traumatic stress disorder from Viet Nam. He told me he didn't love me and holed himself up with his computer in the basement, ignoring me and our two adolescent children. He told me I was fat, lazy, and all sorts of not so flattering things. He struck up a friedship with a 23 year old woman from Canada. And I began to believe the things he said. I swear I cried til 3:00 am each nght while he typed away to his girlfried. I began to go online to the same gameroom and got involved in cyber self destructive behavior. Eventually he moved out and found out his "friend" was in fact 63 (like I told him). He immediately tried to move back home, but so much had happened, that I said no. I started talking to someone who pointed out I was beautiful, smart, thin, and a very hard worker. I had my children in counseling and found out more than I wanted to (but glad I did). In the past 4.5 years I have gotten two masters degrees and did a career shift, still a teacher, but of a different type. Now in his eyes, I am all of the things he said I wasn't, but I can never go back and endure the negativity I lived with before. I have a good self image after having my self esteem destroyed. I used all of the tips above, and although it was a hard thing to do, it sure was worth it for myself and especially my children!
By Harmony8  Jul 16, 2009
26
I'd like to add a Number 6 - live a GRATEFUL EXISTENCE. see my website http://www.countyourjellybeans.com . If you are grateful, you will feel great, and improve your self esteem. Best to all, Judy
By judy269  Jul 01, 2009
25
If you want to improve your self esteem, don't spend a lot of time with your narcissistic, clinging, manipulative mother-in-law. I've learned the hard way- PEOPLE CAN ONLY ABUSE YOU AS LONG AS YOU LET THEM!
By leelew  Jul 01, 2009
24
Well said Mianutzy. Probably the most important - and hardest - lesson I have learnt in my life is that absolutely EVERYTHING in our lives is our own choice including things we like to believe are not. A few years ago I would have piffed off this list too but I've since learnt the error of my ways. If you really want to change something ... you can. All depends on how much you want to change because you can't change anything unless you actually want to and many people just don't want to change.

I used to be happy playing the victim. I was happy being miserable. It was what I knew and it felt safe. Changing was too frightening a prospect. My Mother used to ask me why "I'd expect anyone else to like me when I didn't like myself?" When I think about how I was it's no wonder I never had any friends and my family got sick of hearing me whine. I wouldn't have liked me then either. Eventually I got sick of wallowing, playing the victim and feeling bad about myself and I haven't looked back since. I now have several very good close friends and I get along better with my family because I chose to step out of my comfort zone.

The choice is all yours. You can't blame others for your own thoughts and actions. Try forgiving yourself for being human and get to know the person inside instead. You'll get a pleasant surprise.
By RAAFBrat  Jul 01, 2009
23
A person can choose to wallow and be a victim of life or can choose to fight to feel better about themselves or the world. Some of the folks here who say they can't find one of these things to try... need to consider if maybe their attitude can be changed. It is like therapy interrferring behaviors to say none of the ideas listed in the article will work without giving them a real try. jmo
By mianutzy  Jun 30, 2009
22
Excellent reminders. Thanks!
By Ellenla  Jun 30, 2009
21
ok I have an INSTANT problem with these "quick-fixes" or lists, that some people provide as solutions. don't get me wrong, taking the time to do this and the thought put behind it is invaluable, but your list seems a bit simplistic, especially to those of us who struggle daily on a severe level. as for #1, I have no friends or family members to turn to. I pick the wrong kinds. #2 is not bad. #3, if I could DO that, I wouldn't be on this site! (grin); #4, harkens back to #1; when I help someone, I'm taken full advantage of; #5 ticks me off. between the anxiety and fear, I cannot even see a doctor when I need one most. I have a terrible fear, maybe even a phobia, and believe me, I avoid them, like other things. Thanks for the ear, folks.
By StaJo  Jun 30, 2009
20
well, what if you have noone to call!!!!!!! waht do you do then??? and my family is even less than helpful...they get me feeling even worse than i did before!
By andybug  Jun 29, 2009
19
#3 is the one that is really challeging for me and my head injury! that negativity can almost always beat me down. i have to learn not to be so hard on myself, but i expect perfection!! :)
By juliecrawford  Jun 29, 2009
18
At the risk of upsetting folks here (which I truly am sorry if I do) it never is that easy. It's a choice you make. The things worth having are always difficult to attain. It never ceases to amaze me just how afraid people are of the person inside themselves. It's always so easy to look for the bad in ourselves and forget about the good stuff. I know, I spent almost 40 years doing it. I even tried suicide twice because of it. Well, no-one is going to give you your self-esteem except you.

You can get a lot of help and good advice, such as that mentioned above by Julie but only you can choose to gain your self-esteem. It just depends on whether you want it enough.

When you choose to fear something, you give it power over your life. The good stuff about an individual isn't as scary as they like to believe. No-one is as bad as they like to believe they are and no-one has to believe that the comments of others about them are right either. I tried to commit suicide because I honestly believed I would be doing my family a favour. I was wrong.

Self-esteem, like everything else in life, is a choice. It's up to you to make it.
By RAAFBrat  Jun 28, 2009
17
i wish it were that easy=[
By alisanders  Jun 28, 2009
16
I find I am very depressed as the day goes on and my husband is home spreading anger and gloom throughout. I call the two friends I have. I need to somehow build healthy boundaries so as not to be affected and be co-dependent.
By Lain2  Jun 27, 2009
15
PS: and you don't have to keep what you write either. You can if you want to but you can also piff it out once it's work is done. The choice is yours.
By RAAFBrat  Jun 27, 2009
14
Keep a diary. It's amazing how theraputic writing out your thoughts can be, how much it can put things into perspective for you, what you can learn about yourself just from writing out your thoughts and feelings and how much better you can feel afterwards. Don't try to organise it - just write whatever comes into your mind. It can be as long (several pages) or as short (one line) as you like. Don't use the computer either. Use good old fashioned pen and paper because even the tactile action of "putting pen to paper" itself can be just as theraputic. Diaries don't judge. All they do is listen.
By RAAFBrat  Jun 27, 2009
13
I have a big problem and that is not having a family member or friend to go to with problems. When I come home with the work problems my husband gets the look on his face that means I really do not want to hear about it so who can I go to other than people here? Any suggestions?
By owl4mom  Jun 26, 2009
12
I think I could use this as a reminder-check list. Thank you for sharing.
By Ohana  Jun 26, 2009
11
interesting
By jewell7777  Jun 26, 2009
10
This does not work for people who are disabled.
By chris1984  Jun 26, 2009

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