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Dr Shapiro completed his undergraduate education at UC San Diego earning a B S in Biochemistry and Cell Biology and a B A in Political Science He furthered his education at UCLA where he earned a Masters Degree in Public…
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I seem to be following a pattern I'd like to avoid...one of commenting on some of the more distressing issues surrounding around children. And although I will make a conscious effort in the future to emphasize some of the more uplifting stories, I feel obligated to shed light on another heartbreaking situation that occurred not too far from where my children currently attend school. It is a universal and timeless story about bullying; something I am confident in saying we've all been a part of in our lifetime, whether it be as the bully, the one being bullied, or the bystander. And it is one where the outcome sadly leads to a life unfairly and cruelly being taken at too young an age.
This tragedy involves a 14-year-old male who had been the target of taunts and criticisms throughout his life time and ultimately reached a point where he finally surrendered to the pain he had endured over the years. Why he was bullied does not matter...we all know it evolved from someone believing he did not fit in...whether it be something about his physical appearance or a learning deficit or just a unique personality characteristic. And bringing more agony to any bullying situation is the bully usually commits these actions secondary to his/her own insecurities and an aspiration of just trying to fit in. But what I ultimately want to draw attention to is what we can do to prevent the unfortunate and unnecessary death of a child who becomes too overwhelmed with the taunts and abuse from his peer.
So with acknowledgement and thanks to a well used child-rearing book, Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12, I share with you some very good reminders as to what we, as parents, can do to help our children in bullying situations:
- It's best to have your child not respond to the bully...something the bully usually feeds on. Try and get your child to just walk away which I realize may not be an easy thing to do.
- However, if this first measure doesn't work, have your child perform an about-face and be verbally strong with the bully. Things which can be said include, "Stop doing that now. If you keep doing this, I'm going to report you to the principal." Or, "I'll talk to you, but I'm not going to fight. So put your fists down now." This may often calm the situation and even bring other individuals over, which can sometimes embarrass the bully. And don't be afraid to practice this situation with your child at home.
- The more friends and by this, I mean, strong relationships, the better. The bully...the predator...prefers attacking the isolated and not those in groups.
- Make sure to talk to your child's teacher and/or principal if things don't resolve. You might think it best not to intervene but if the bullying persists for an extended period of time, as I've noted above, the consequences may be dire.
So with my thoughts to those affected both directly and indirectly in any bullying situation, I leave you with a link to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) website on Violence Prevention... http://www.aap.org/healthtopics/violprev.cfm.
Dr. Jeremy
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Displaying comments 31-12 of 31
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WJGonza
I had a strong southern accent when we moved to virginia..got picked on nonstop for that...I hated living in Richmond..kids were extremely mean there. Woodbridge was a little better...I was in middle school there developed early,girl who live around the corner from me was on meds and they made her irratable..she took it out on me.....found her a few years ago on classmates.com and told her off....it felt great, she even apologized wrote me a long email saying how sorry she was...amazing!
High school was in Florida.....everyone was in preppy phase here "early eighties".;....I just didn't fit in hence the harraassment started up again.....I just kept my head down , got my license early drove myself to school ...took some fluff college coures so that when I graduated high school I would not be starting out behind in college..actually college was great because I already had a group established and realy fit in well there......
I begged my mom to take me out of school and home school me or get me a tutor or something like that so I wouldn't have to face the pain every day but she said it was important for my 'socialization' to go to school. As a result I went through years of unadulterated hell. I was stalked (i had to walk home a different way every day in case someone was waiting to ambush me...sometimes I guessed wrong), I was pushed into the street in front of moving cars, I was pushed down and spit on, had soda spit on me, gum stuck in my hair, in winter it was ICE balls (not snow balls) often with rocks inside. My lockers were broken into, my things stolen, my papers ruined and you can imagine what kind of education I got. If I told my father about any of this he'd call the police, who wouldn't do anything either.
In high school it got more serious with gang beatings (one troubled girl told her friends I'd said something about her mother...which I didn't....she and all her friends cornered me in the hallway to 'teach me a lesson'). You think weapons in school is something new? Hah. I had a knife pulled on me in front of the library back in '79. No one did anything. As usual.
And people wonder why I am the way I am now.
I'm new to this support group (& I can't spel good LOL!).
By sheer coincidence, I just happen to be an expert on bully management. At least, I think I am, though I am biassed.
I have been a martial arts instructor for almost 20 years and bully management has been a focal point of my classes. I am aware that this is a very touchy subject and opinions run very strong, so I want to be clear that what I am commenting is simply one guy's opinion.
Jeremy, I applaud the empathy that I hear in your comments. This is paramount.
I respectfully disagree that the bullying takes place because of anything that has to do with the person being bullied. A bully bullies because of themselves and not because of anything about the person being bullied. Clarity on this is very important when talking to our youngsters.
There is a formal definition of bullying. It is when someone uses some sort of power to cause another person to feel intimidated.
In my state, once in 7th grade, bullying is referred to as harrassment.
It is an error to say that any certain action is a best response to a bully because the gratification that a particular bully is receiving is the key to inturrupting the pattern. For example, most bullies pick on the easiest target, correction, they pick on WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE EASIEST TARGET, such that the best remedy is to not look like the easiest target. Body language, tone of voice, facial experessions (smile v. frown), isolated or with interacting with others, all these play a part in the message to the bully about how easy of a target the person is.
The reason a single suggested response is not good is because not all bullies pick on the easiest target. Some look for trophies, aka social stepping stones that the bully feels threatened by and some bullies get gratification out of making someone cry or lose their cool and blow up and put on a show. To effetively negate the gratification that the bully is internalizing, the potential victim must first identify the sourse of the gratification of the bully. This can be attained by watchig the bullies facial expressions in response to various stimuli.
Intervening is very risky. Plan A should definitely be to function as the potential victim's coach. If you can successfully coach the potential victim through the situation, then you accomplish a lot of tremendous things. You metaphorically teach the individual to fish rather than giving them fish, their self-confidence will grow from knowing that they stood up to the bully and you navigate away from the fist steps of a co-dependant song and dance that nets the result of you fighting their battles and then when you are not there, they fall harder than they would have in the first place had you not intervened. This does not mean that there is not a time to intervene, it just means that before you intervene, you should think real hard about it.
There are several exercises that a person can do with a young person, or adult for that matter. My favorite one is one on translation. The exercise is designed to educate the potential victim. The more educated the potential victim is about the dynamics of bullying, the more empowered thay are to peacable attain resolve with their bully and then use those same life skills later in their lives when the situation is simply an adult version of bullying at work at a social event.
Here's some examples of how to educate the potential victim:
(I call this the "translating lesson")
When a bully says: I hate you! You are too tall! You are too dumb! I'm going to hit you! You! You! You!
An accurate translation of what the bully is saying is: "I got problems with myself! I wishy I was taller! Other peoople picked on me saying that I was dumb! My problems are Me! Me! Me!
If the potential victim can learn to see this, then their whole perspective changes. Their self-worth becomes protected because they begin to understand that what the bully says has nothing to do with them and has everything to do with the bully. With understanding, fear typically begins to deminish and the potential victim is, for the first time, able to navigate through the situation aided by their new-found clarity of what has actually been going on since day one.
I think I'm starting to lecture. Sorry. Like I said before, just one guys opinion.
Good - luck!
I had a hard time reading the first book "Odd Girl Out" because I'd been in denial for so long about all the bullying I'd endured in school. I got in touch with alot of anger and pain which was difficult but also a relief. I didn't have to pretend to myself anymore that what happened to me was no big deal, that it was okay when in reality it was not!
The way I finally found a way to stop it is certainly not recommended in any books I'd venture a guess. I finally fought back against a guy - a jock - that was picking on me one day. He was getting physical and I had to punch him out. He was so shocked he didn't know what to do. Never expected one of his victims - girls and little kids - to acually fight back. He did pretty much leave me alone after that. It was a pivotal event for me. I'd been abused in so many other ways, too and it was the first time I'd had the strength to fight back. It helped me to see that I didn't have to put up with that kind of abuse. And it helped me believe that I deserved better, that I could have better.
Too bad bullying still goes on with adults in the work place......
-riverlost
Last year he cried each and every day about bullies. I did call the school on several occasions. Either bullies are getting meaner since I was his age, or I just "fit in" better and did not suffer what he goes thru! :(
I AM SPEAKING FROM LOTS OF PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ADVICE LIKE THIS WHEN YOU CLEARLY DONT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE SMART AND DID WELL AT SCHOOL DOES NOT MEAN YOU KNOW BEST
If I was a teen today, when the beatings occured, it would likely end up on the internet, as I see so many kids these days doing similar things, and videotaping it to display for the world to see. I've even heard the goal of that is to see which videos get the most "views". Clearly, the internet has only worsened bullies' ability to torment their victims. They go online and make up lies and insults so their peers can see.
To a child or teen, this is the worst thing in their world that could possibly happen. Often they are driven to desperate means to escape, including suicide or homicide. I feel that all schools, teachers and parents should teach the children from an early age, about tolerance and respect of others, of respect for those who may be "different", and respect for human life itself. I feel the things they are doing these days shows a complete lack of respect or caring for people or lives.
It should be taught in an age appropriate way, from first grade on...and every year, it should be re-addressed to keep it fresh in their minds. I feel teachers should have extra training to detect signs of bullies, and how to deal with it,as well as teaching respect as part of the curriculum.
Clearly, this affects us into adulthood. I see adults on the internet lately, bullying each other, too.
I went through the situation when my son was in school, too. I always told him that the people picking on him had problems and maybe someone picked on them at home and they felt bad about themselves and that's why they picked on him.
But most importantly, we kept an ongoing dialogue with each other, on what responses he might use, and we did role playing scenerios....I suggested to him that his sense of humor could be a good shield, which turned out to work for him.. But we practiced at home until he felt confident..
StephP