I recently received a question from a DS member who, as a result of her therapist going on vacation, felt sad and missed her therapist a great deal. She wanted to know if this was normal and asked what a healthy relationship between therapist and client should be. As with all relationships there are unique and individual components to each one because they involve unique and individual people. That said, unlike social relationships there are, and should be, very clear and firm boundaries between you and your therapist.

If you see your therapist on a regular basis, then it stands to reason that you will miss that interaction. That void in your life will most likely depend upon your support system outside that relationship. Keep in mind that while your therapist is human and may care deeply about you they should not have any dependence upon you. The therapist should not burden you with his or her life stressors. Self disclosure by the therapist should exist in the service of the client and not in order to vent or seek counsel from the client. This differentiates the relationship from one that exists in the world outside the therapy office.

From my therapeutic orientation, a therapist should help their patient fill their own emotional tool box with coping mechanisms that help them function in the absence of the therapist. Every session should have an eye towards helping the person be an independent soul. This does not discount the need for the therapeutic alliance and I am clear about the value of providing a healthy and solid relationship in therapy, one built on trust and mutual respect, in an effort to role model this bond for the patient. Even if the therapy continues over the span of many years or intermittently over the practitioner's career it needs to be clear that the connection is different from one that a person would experience outside of the office. This is why there are so many rules imposed upon the therapist/client relationship. Rules such as no "dual relationship" meaning a therapist cannot socialize, be in business with or otherwise interact with their patients other than in a therapeutic way.  These rules are designed to create a safe environment for the client where they are not restricted by normal social anxieties and where they feel that their disclosures will not affect the relationship they have with their therapist.

So in answer to the member who expressed this concern, missing someone you have come to trust and depend upon is a normal human emotion. If you feel incapacitated or desperate as a result of your therapist being away it may help to see another clinician in your therapist's absence that can help work through some of these feelings and help you to understand the boundaries of the relationship with your therapist. It is important to discuss these feelings with your therapist upon his or her return so they can help you begin to fill that emotional tool box.