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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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What People Say (or how they react) – Says About Them
Today I had two diametrically opposed experiences. While in Trader Joe's market with my family my youngest, 10 months old, was momentarily squealing joyfully as my husband strolled her down the aisles. Everyone who passed smiled at her and at us and both of our daughters smiled back - even the squealing one. Many people came over to interact playfully with the happy baby. There was only one exception. An elderly lady walked by with a look of disgust. She shook her head as she angrily passed us by, clearly disturbed by the racket. She slowed down to glare at all of us angrily, and as we waited for her to say something she just walked on. Keep in mind that this is a casual and noisy market where there are many children. This is not a nice restaurant or some other adult venue that requires peace and quiet. As a parent, I am mindful of how my children's behavior effects others. Had the baby been a disruption, I would have taken her out of the store. That is a policy I believe in. Admittedly, I was annoyed at the woman's self-righteous tsk tsk but I slowly began to soften as I realized the likelihood that this curmudgeon was a sad person (and yes, maybe dealing with her own personal issues at that moment). The very thing that had elicited smiles in everyone else made this woman uncomfortable. The 2 seconds she had to be exposed to a gleeful, albeit noisy, child made her cringe. It was all speculation of course but after 2 decades studying human behavior I am quite certain that this woman's momentary response said a great deal about her own life and her perception of the world.
Only a couple of hours later my family of 4 (now 5 because we had our dog along) was walking down the side walk. My older daughter and husband were playing a racing game together with our dog on her leash. I was walking closely behind with the baby in the stroller. We were all happy, laughing and talking when an elderly gentleman pulled up to the stop sign, honked his horn and rolled down his window. We all looked over and he said with a smile and a wave, "enjoy your children". Of course I have no idea the story of this man's life but I do know that his perception about family, children and joy are very different from the woman in the market that we encountered earlier.
Both of these incidents are just moments in time and could of course have several explanations attached to them. The reality is that the most likely case scenario is the most obvious one. As people pass us by during our day we gather information about them, sometimes from only small interactions. Some of that information is based in our own assumptions and some of it is based in life experience and our own understanding of human nature.
As you go through your busy day think about the impressions you make on people, even momentarily, and make a conscious effort to let your public persona reflect what is good about your life and not what is negative. People's response to you will in turn be a more optimistic one and encounter after encounter that positive interaction will undoubtedly have an effect on you.
Postscript: The emotional responses to this article are very interesting. Please keep in mind that this was a moment in time and there was no harm done to anyone. There were no misbehaving or disruptive children in this case - just a momentary happy squaking from a baby. That is what made the moment noticable to me. It was simply an observation - we all make them throughout our day. Clearly, I did not communicate my message well and for this I apologize. The article was also not meant to be a statement about children or parent's rights. What I left out was that other people in the store had a negative response to this woman's reaction. Some even verbalized their responses to us. Sadly, no matter what this womam's personal circumstance was at that moment, the feedack she received from those around her was negative, which would serve to worsen any pre-existing sadness she may have felt. It would be wonderful if everyone had the opportunity to "check in" with strangers to see how they were feeling as a result of their statements or reactions in the world but that is not always realistic. The message here was simply to recognize how we come off to others in small moments, what that says about us, and how we often get back the very same energy we put out into the world.
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i cannot believe you would have to nerve to say this about someone. calling them a curmudgeon just becasue they didnt smile, giggle, wave to entertain your loud, annoying, squalking children!?!
maybe this woman had sensitive hearing...my mother loves children but she wears a hearing aid and when we pass children like yours in the store it kills her ears.
maybe something terrible had happened to her or her family recently and she just wasnt in the mood to be bothered by some little brats!
so as you go through your day...take your own advise. have some respect for others, some people have very well behaved children. my child has NEVER made a scene in a public place (or home for that fact) she is very well behaved.
Or just possibly her husband was ill all night and she is worried and exhausted, and the voice of your relentlessly squealing toddler goes right through her aching head?
It is hard for mothers of young children to believe, I know, but there are many of us out here in the world whose burdens are heavy and who find your squealing baby just at this moment the outside of enough. It might be a better idea for you to think about the fact that we all live in this world together, and life may be made easier if you think about someone else now and then and look at the world from a non-child-centric point of view.