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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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What People Say (or how they react) – Says About Them
Today I had two diametrically opposed experiences. While in Trader Joe's market with my family my youngest, 10 months old, was momentarily squealing joyfully as my husband strolled her down the aisles. Everyone who passed smiled at her and at us and both of our daughters smiled back - even the squealing one. Many people came over to interact playfully with the happy baby. There was only one exception. An elderly lady walked by with a look of disgust. She shook her head as she angrily passed us by, clearly disturbed by the racket. She slowed down to glare at all of us angrily, and as we waited for her to say something she just walked on. Keep in mind that this is a casual and noisy market where there are many children. This is not a nice restaurant or some other adult venue that requires peace and quiet. As a parent, I am mindful of how my children's behavior effects others. Had the baby been a disruption, I would have taken her out of the store. That is a policy I believe in. Admittedly, I was annoyed at the woman's self-righteous tsk tsk but I slowly began to soften as I realized the likelihood that this curmudgeon was a sad person (and yes, maybe dealing with her own personal issues at that moment). The very thing that had elicited smiles in everyone else made this woman uncomfortable. The 2 seconds she had to be exposed to a gleeful, albeit noisy, child made her cringe. It was all speculation of course but after 2 decades studying human behavior I am quite certain that this woman's momentary response said a great deal about her own life and her perception of the world.
Only a couple of hours later my family of 4 (now 5 because we had our dog along) was walking down the side walk. My older daughter and husband were playing a racing game together with our dog on her leash. I was walking closely behind with the baby in the stroller. We were all happy, laughing and talking when an elderly gentleman pulled up to the stop sign, honked his horn and rolled down his window. We all looked over and he said with a smile and a wave, "enjoy your children". Of course I have no idea the story of this man's life but I do know that his perception about family, children and joy are very different from the woman in the market that we encountered earlier.
Both of these incidents are just moments in time and could of course have several explanations attached to them. The reality is that the most likely case scenario is the most obvious one. As people pass us by during our day we gather information about them, sometimes from only small interactions. Some of that information is based in our own assumptions and some of it is based in life experience and our own understanding of human nature.
As you go through your busy day think about the impressions you make on people, even momentarily, and make a conscious effort to let your public persona reflect what is good about your life and not what is negative. People's response to you will in turn be a more optimistic one and encounter after encounter that positive interaction will undoubtedly have an effect on you.
Postscript: The emotional responses to this article are very interesting. Please keep in mind that this was a moment in time and there was no harm done to anyone. There were no misbehaving or disruptive children in this case - just a momentary happy squaking from a baby. That is what made the moment noticable to me. It was simply an observation - we all make them throughout our day. Clearly, I did not communicate my message well and for this I apologize. The article was also not meant to be a statement about children or parent's rights. What I left out was that other people in the store had a negative response to this woman's reaction. Some even verbalized their responses to us. Sadly, no matter what this womam's personal circumstance was at that moment, the feedack she received from those around her was negative, which would serve to worsen any pre-existing sadness she may have felt. It would be wonderful if everyone had the opportunity to "check in" with strangers to see how they were feeling as a result of their statements or reactions in the world but that is not always realistic. The message here was simply to recognize how we come off to others in small moments, what that says about us, and how we often get back the very same energy we put out into the world.
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Displaying comments 28-9 of 48
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The point is, we all carry our personal emotions - no matter what. Different for all. It's how we each come to our own understanding of acceptance and how we react. Each individual is accountable.
Shees, talk about making your point for you...
Instead of reaching deep down and finding some compassion for this elderly woman, all of you did nothing but complain, find fault &/or find the negativity in the situation. You all will also reap the same energy that you sow into the world.
While there was "no harm done," no good was done either. I read each response and I think you missed this point. I believe that my response was well thought out and not all that emotional. But as I said, we all have our filters so interpretation is left up to the reader.
Just to clarify, I didn't say "check in", I said CHECK IT OUT. It seems to me if you and the other people in the store had time to comment about this woman's behavior, then you had time to check it out with her. At least then you would could have walked away feeling more positive about yourselves. But negativity feeds negativity and that's exactly what you all were doing.
Sometimes the responses we get (whether in person or in writing) is a reflection of our own selves.
As I said before, this is a wonderful life lesson. What you wrote originally brought out some very important issues and we can all learn from your post and all of the comments. With your added post scrip, I would say this is also a lesson in communication, but more than that a lesson in positive and negative human interaction...
And Julie, she has edited her original post and title to try to defend her "message".
I will be resigning from Daily Strength. I do not feel that I can trust the advice given here.
Your article portrays a particularly valuable life lesson and I worry that many will miss it given the intense scrutiny and judgment in the responses. I can tell you first hand after watching my mother suffer for years with a debilitating disease that ultimately caused her to need hearing aides, take over 30 pills a day and ultimately was on dialysis... she was always till the end a lover of life and children. In fact, she was drawn to squealy kids and I don't know if it hurt her ears as she never mentioned it. But she knew first hand how life affirming it was for her to focus on the goodness of her life as it sustained her. In fact, i know it kept her going as long as it did. Such a valuable lesson here... please people focus on the message....
We all don't love your children the way you do.
What makes you think that everyone should like your kids? Not everyone likes kids especially bratty spoiled kids. She is entitled to her option even if it is different then yours. Not everyone can tolerate your kids. I'm sure some of your own relatives feel the same way about your kids if you just ask them they will let you know.
It seems to me, you being the professional should realize that the elderly sometimes do have sensitive hearing problems or have hearing aids and loud sounds from children really hurt their ears.
The lady may be on medication of some sort that makes her hypersensitive to noises. You and your family may have been blocking her path and she was in a hurry to get the items she needed to be out of the store fast to get back to her elderly sick husband. There are so many reasons and for you to assume the worst of this lady is inconceivable to me especially since you are a licenced profession in the area of human relations.
I am young and was given a medication by my doctor one time and I just couldn't stand any noise from kids. And the thing is I work with kids all day long I'm a kids dentist and at the time I felt absolutely miserable. I controlled it during the day at work by wearing ear protection to limit the noise level. When I stopped by the grocery store in the evening to get something just the loud noise of a kid or baby would just drive me crazy. I would get my items fast and get out fast and head to my silent home. This is so odd because I truly love children and want a child of my own. But at the time I just was like this lady at the store and it was all due to the medication. I realized this and kept away from loud noises when possible.
Don't judge people until you know the whole story,especially the elderly.
Even when verbal communication goes both ways, unless we are actively listening (which is rare), most human beings are already beginning to form their interpretation AND their response when the speaker is only about a third of the way in to what they are saying. This also happens w/the written word.
As some people have pointed out, there could have been many good reasons for the "curmudgeon's" self righteous tsk tsk, none of which had anything to do with you or your family. Maybe it did. It is quite possible that this woman had some level of dementia or Alzheimer's which can tend to make one into a "curmudgeon." You will never know because you didn't bother to REACH out & CHECK IT OUT. You made what you clearly considered to be an educated ASSUMPTION. We all do that, but there's a better chance we are going to be wrong than right...at least about the REASON for the behavior.
As you pointed out, we all form filters that develop over our lifetime based on our unique experiences. Those filters help us view and make decisions about the world we each live in. Those filters color the way we see things and even HOW AND WHAT we hear another person is saying. Unfortunately, while our initial gut response about a person is usually right on, the reasons and words we attach to that are usually way off the mark. And we usually don't take it any further by reaching out in an effort to positively touch that person's life, regardless of how that person might or might not respond. A wise therapist once told me, "focus on the action, not the outcome."
The whole purpose of the "Check it out" instruction was to get us to ask for, be open to and be willing to accept, feedback. Stephen Covey's 5th Habit (from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) says, Seek first to understand, then to be understood. He suggests we actively listen without forming a response UNTIL the person is finished speaking. THEN we, using my late professor's words, we should check it out. i.e. offer feedback as to what we understood the person said AND wait for confirming or correcting feedback.
It's quite possible that because you made an assumption (she was a curmudgeon) and acted on it (ignored her, walked away and other possible non verbals) and by not checking it out, you may have missed an opportunity to reach out to someone who dearly needed to be reached out to, therefore quite possibly, missed out on being part of an extraordinary gift.
All in all, I would say, IMHO, this was a wonderful life lesson on many levels.
Very true statement, but what does it have to do with this particular story? She said nothing. Perhaps your next article could be about compassion or putting others needs ahead of your own. I am going to go and try to figure out why I am so annoyed by this article. Right now, all I can deduce is it's because you are a professional and I always hope that who we turn to for help have more of a clue than we do.