What People Say (or how they react) – Says About Them by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Experts

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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What People Say (or how they react) – Says About Them

Posted in Anxiety by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on May 25, 2009

Today I had two diametrically opposed experiences. While in Trader Joe's market with my family my youngest, 10 months old, was momentarily squealing joyfully as my husband strolled her down the aisles. Everyone who passed smiled at her and at us and both of our daughters smiled back - even the squealing one. Many people came over to interact playfully with the happy baby. There was only one exception. An elderly lady walked by with a look of disgust. She shook her head as she angrily passed us by, clearly disturbed by the racket. She slowed down to glare at all of us angrily, and as we waited for her to say something she just walked on. Keep in mind that this is a casual and noisy market where there are many children. This is not a nice restaurant or some other adult venue that requires peace and quiet. As a parent, I am mindful of how my children's behavior effects others. Had the baby been a disruption, I would have taken her out of the store. That is a policy I believe in. Admittedly, I was annoyed at the woman's self-righteous tsk tsk but I slowly began to soften as I realized the likelihood that this curmudgeon was a sad person (and yes, maybe dealing with her own personal issues at that moment). The very thing that had elicited smiles in everyone else made this woman uncomfortable. The 2 seconds she had to be exposed to a gleeful, albeit noisy, child made her cringe. It was all speculation of course but after 2 decades studying human behavior I am quite certain that this woman's momentary response said a great deal about her own life and her perception of the world.

Only a couple of hours later my family of 4 (now 5 because we had our dog along) was walking down the side walk. My older daughter and husband were playing a racing game together with our dog on her leash. I was walking closely behind with the baby in the stroller. We were all happy, laughing and talking when an elderly gentleman pulled up to the stop sign, honked his horn and rolled down his window. We all looked over and he said with a smile and a wave, "enjoy your children". Of course I have no idea the story of this man's life but I do know that his perception about family, children and joy are very different from the woman in the market that we encountered earlier.

Both of these incidents are just moments in time and could of course have several explanations attached to them. The reality is that the most likely case scenario is the most obvious one. As people pass us by during our day we gather information about them, sometimes from only small interactions. Some of that information is based in our own assumptions and some of it is based in life experience and our own understanding of human nature.

As you go through your busy day think about the impressions you make on people, even momentarily, and make a conscious effort to let your public persona reflect what is good about your life and not what is negative. People's response to you will in turn be a more optimistic one and encounter after encounter that positive interaction will undoubtedly have an effect on you.

Postscript: The emotional responses to this article are very interesting. Please keep in mind that this was a moment in time and there was no harm done to anyone. There were no misbehaving or disruptive children in this case - just a momentary happy squaking from a baby. That is what made the moment noticable to me. It was simply an observation - we all make them throughout our day. Clearly, I did not communicate my message well and for this I apologize. The article was also not meant to be a statement about children or parent's rights. What I left out was that other people in the store had a negative response to this woman's reaction. Some even verbalized their responses to us. Sadly, no matter what this womam's personal circumstance was at that moment, the feedack she received from those around her was negative, which would serve to worsen any pre-existing sadness she may have felt. It would be wonderful if everyone had the opportunity to "check in" with strangers to see how they were feeling as a result of their statements or reactions in the world but that is not always realistic. The message here was simply to recognize how we come off to others in small moments, what that says about us, and how we often get back the very same energy we put out into the world.

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CATEGORIES: Personal Opinion

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anxiety • Anxiety Disorders in Children • Breakups & Divorce • Caregivers • Child Support & Custody • Depression • Depression - Teen • Depression Supporters • Family Issues • Gay Parenting • Grandparents Raising Children • Healthy Relationships • Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) • Parenting Big Kids (5-8) • Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) • Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) • Parenting Teenagers (12-18) • Parenting Toddlers (1-3) • Parents of Children with ADHD • Pregnancy • Shyness • Single Dads • Single Parenting • Step Families • Stress Management • Time Management

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Displaying comments 48-29 of 48

I really enjoyed reading this. It was very interesting.

By brick164 Jul 24, 2009

Wow, I hate to admit I completely understand your idea, that perhaps the older ladies perception of marriage and family was different then the mans. The sad part is her's could be the same, you know the happily ever after, that's what I expected sadly it didn't even come close. My point, I can see myself in a similiar situation and it causing me pain that others would see as disgust, great article thank you for opening my eyes. I'm still brokenhearted but, would never want that reaction towards my little guy, nor would I ever want to react negatively when I see a family it did work out for. Enjoy your family!!!!!!!!!

By Kazcase Jun 29, 2009

Perhaps she felt jealous. Even in the note my response is to notice that you are flounting your happy life. If I saw you I would likely smile, too, because I have a grandchild on the way and I love babies. But I am also about to lose my youngest to college out west where my other daughter is and will be left here with an empty nest. I've been dealing with a lot of health issues, sadness, feelings of loss. (I've also experienced the deaths of 2 dear family members along with a mother with advancing dementia). You can see how, in a sad moment, just your obvious happiness could make my sadness more pronounced by comparison. I have a positive outlook most days, but have had others (which I have needed to overcome, BTW) when I was easily irritated. And you are right...when you smile the world (most of it) smiles with you and if you are sad most reactions are negative back. What we all ought to do is be compassionate and thoughtful of those suffering and not respond in kind. On the other hand, though, we can't let them affect how we experience our own joy. We had a woman at church who acted like little kids were being out of control. The kids were just being kids and the parents were considerate. The woman was just sick and cranky and, IMO, shouldn't have made such a big deal about things. She once revealed with a comment at church that "good" behavior to her with her kids growing up was QUIET behavior. I don't agree. But of course believe in being considerate of how our behavior affects others, too. (Which hsa nothing to do with your happy stroll in the store. You had every right to enjoy your kids!!!)

By LonelyLois Jun 06, 2009

As the mother of four teenagers that my husband and I taught to behave well in public I must say that a child's happiness should never be diminished. I we start making them be like adults at 2 they will forget how to be happy before they make it to any age. Being happy and being well behaved are two separate things. It indeed takes a village to raise children and I for one hope that more people let the children enjoy the cheer it is so hard to find when they are made to grow up.

Cyndi I feel you did a fabulous job getting your point across. I haven't been on DS lately and I think a lot of the repsonses to this is why I have avoided it. SO MANY NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!

By BuxomBrunette Jun 01, 2009

Cyndi thank you for this concise article you articulated your point well. I am in a management position on my job and recently have gone through some life altering changes that left me sad and to be honest at times I was angry and I projected these feelings with a scowling face and extremely negative comments. I noticed how this affected my staff they in turn were rude with each other, argumentative with me and rude behavior with customers.

I am in the process of healing and very much more positive and my interactions with others have made an 180 degree turn and yes my staff is behaving in a more professional manner.

By Gwinnie May 31, 2009

Or maybe you should also include in your title :What people say or how they react says a lot about them and me!

By desrtrse May 29, 2009

Just responding to your attempts to explain that your child noise was less than the store noise. It is an amazing thing that happens to parents when they have young children and babies. I guess it is chemical, but your own child's noises do not bother the parent for the most part. YOu have no idea the effect it was having on this older woman. You have no way of knowing if your child's squeeling was less of an impact than the other noises in the store. We as parents should never assume that the noises coming out of our children are not offensive to anyone else if they are not offensive to you. Maybe this is the problem, maybe in parenting classes and books there should be some mention of this for those who cannot figure it out for themselves or do not have the common sense to know it.

By desrtrse May 29, 2009

I really enjoyed your article...I love capturing happiness in the world. Stealing the moments of happy babies or a happy elderly couple or obnoxious toddlers (my favorite...hehe) my kids (being teenagers now) say that I egg them on but I feel like I am sharing the moment and usually calming mom down in the mean time. I was in Jamaica several weeks ago and remember very well several incidents with parents trying so hard to calm there cranky babies down or even just quiet their excited toddler in paradise as to not disrupt the ambiance. I think I ended up playing with half the kids and the interactions I was able to have with the parents I would like to think changed both of our days:) I watched so many people glaring at these parents like they purposely intended to ruin the day. I wasn't in a good spot emotionally during the entire vacation but I felt my whole demeanor change with those small and genuine reactions and interactions. I bet that gentleman that commented felt great after experiencing the happiness of your happy family:)

Thanks for sharing!

By living09 May 28, 2009

I understand the point of what you are saying in many ways its the logical side of how my mother raised us so that no matter what was happing no matter how our lives were crumbling or how angry or no matter what situation arose we "behaved properly in public" you can go home and rant and rave and scream and throw stuff but you leave the house you smile be polite and get through it with out anyone knowing. For this and this alone I thank her. That insistence on being able to deny every emotional instinct and fake it is the sole thing that has kept me alive as long as I have with my BP. Has it destroyed many other means of me being able to function as a real person with other people yes. But has it taught me that smiling can infact make you able to handle things better and that you will receive nicer in return from others yes. How you interact with the world despite what is going on inside of you will affect how the world interacts with you, which can inturn make your life, easier and happier. But where my mother was wrong is in the people who do reach out to those in need and when you your self need that because how can anyone ever reach out if they never know anything is wrong?
As to the responses I think too many people read too much into the story which was really only incidental to the message. If you don't believe it try just smiling and maybe tilting your head to everyone you encounter in a day and see what responses you get in return and how you feel at the end of the day.

By lstn1drlnd May 28, 2009

Just to be a bit clearer the reaction from the woman wasn't a painful grimace - it was much more. It seems many here are focused on the sound issue and auditory discomfort, which I can completely sympathize with (I have had tinnitus myself which loud noises and cell phones can exacerbate ) but this was not the case. The store noise was much louder than the baby noise and she had more interaction with us then a pained expression. Just thought I'd clarify.

By CSR May 27, 2009

Empathy is paramount... in today's milieu, it's a rarity. Forgiveness looms in the lower echelons as well... When all is well within one's own bubble of life, it' s good. Did anyone try to reach beyond their personal sphere to her? Given she was definitely kowtowing to her unsociable moment could mean she doesn't know her way out all alone.

By artsense May 27, 2009

an observation from an older woman: sometimes, a grimace is all that makes it to the surface when a higher-pitched sound, like that of a happy baby squealing with delight, causes my ears to do untoward stuff in my own head. I've been to good doctors to try to find out why my head goes into it's strobe-mode, but to no avail. Talking on a cellular phone does it too... so, maybe, that older person was in physical pain as well... who is to know. Whatever the manifestation, we all do need to be less judgmental and more empathetic. Someday, we all may have strobe-mode in the ears with no one to fix it...

By artsense May 27, 2009

I know of a time when I was unable to partake in the joy another and it haunts me. Sad.

By Loved1 May 27, 2009

it's good to know that i'm not the only person who regularly dissects the minutia of these "moments in time". i think you are probably dead on regarding the elderly crabby woman. it had nothing to do with your child. it generally makes me feel good to jump to the conclusion (when someone sneers or is unpleasant to me) that they are in a really bad place right now that i don't or can't understand and mentally send them some love and compassion. your post was really nice and thought provoking, thanks...have a good one.

By rebelamanda May 27, 2009

Thank you KatieR and cypher for your kind words and for understanding the intended message of this article. No one REALLY knows how anyone else is feeling and analyzing the woman in the market was not the point. We have ALL reacted negatively at some point in situations that don’t warrant a negative response and whether we like it or not it reflects upon us. It says something about us – in that moment – and it may or may not be an accurate reflection of who we are. We can only control our own behavior and the challenge here is to be mindful of our expressions, even to strangers. For those of us on the receiving end of what seems like an inappropriate response, instead of getting angry, as cipher astutely mentions, we can recognize that the person may be coming from a place of sadness, frustration – or any other myriad of possible emotions and we can try hard not to let their negative expression effect our happiness in that moment (this can be a very hard thing to do). This article did indeed generate a lot of responses and the issue of children in the world seems to be a hot topic, one I may tackle at a later time in another article. I could have substituted many other things here – it just so happens to have involved children and parents but in truth that was incidental to the message. I welcome comments and differences of opinion. The articles are not meant to offend but hopefully do stir up thoughts and generate dialogue and debate.

By CSR May 27, 2009

The point is when you're a crankypants and you take it out on other people, you HURT other people's feelings, and they don't know why, so this message is to try to be compassionate and realize Crankypants is taking out their pain on complete strangers. Much like, many of the ds comments on this topic! Ironic isn't it?

By cypher May 27, 2009

I think the articles at Daily strength are usually written to try and stir up personal thinking within ourselves. I think Cyndi was trying to do so through this experience we can all relate to in one way or another because with all the multiple sides of this experience you can relate to it somehow. I think by stating her insistence in not letting her children cause a disruption, she’s is clearly showing that she is aware that children can cause a horrible disruption if the parents let them. She is admittedly aware of the other side of this situation, and also discuses how she’s stopped her instant face-value judgment to think about this persons reaction and came to the conclusion that there might be more than meets the eye that can't be judged instantaneously. By mentioning the other encounter, she shows how people’s instant reactions can be very different to a similar situation.

I think the message here is to reflect on past situations like this you have encountered, and in future situations remember that you cant judge people at face value, and to remember that there is another side of the situation always.
It’s unfair to judge Cyndi by this article, or saying that she’s bad at her job, or a faulty parent, or even judging her as a person based on this one incident, because is the same as what she has been accused of doing: judging someone based on one incident.
Cyndi, I think you have written something thought provoking here, and at least in my case it has made me think about my reactions to other people, and that there is always a HUMAN BEING on the other side of any situation and I have to keep that in mind. So thanks for the thought inspiring.

On a final note, as much as I dislike overly disruptive children(I worked in craft retail for years, I have seen some horrible instances of behavior and public destruction even), I am still troubled by the near Hatred some people do display towards children… they are children, get upset at the irresponsible parent, remember these aren’t alien beings, they are tiny still growing-and-not-yet-fully-functioning human beings, they deserve love not hate. Hating our own children is what wrong with the world right now…

By KattieR May 27, 2009

Hmmmmm... Perhaps the woman has had the same experiences I've had in stores lately. Out of control children literally running and cutting me off in the aisles.

Maybe hers was a conditioned response.

I have an invisible chronic illness. I don't look sick, but I am.

I am not as nimble as I used to be, and have nearly fallen twice this year alone, by children being allowed to get away with run amok behavior.

And, a baby's delighted squeal would also hurt my ears. I have health issues there too.

That doesn't mean I would have reacted the same way she did.

But give me a few more years.........

By KweebsLS May 27, 2009

..... this curmudgeon was a sad and lonely person. The very thing that had elicited smiles in everyone else made this woman uncomfortable .....

above is her original "quote" she backtracked her original statement...changing it to this...

I realized the likelihood that this curmudgeon was a sad person (and yes, maybe dealing with her own personal issues at that moment). The very thing that had elicited smiles in everyone else made this woman uncomfortable.

By CnUC May 26, 2009

People DO judge others on a moment-to-moment basis, but we ought not to. There's two sides to this.

It seems the elderly lady judged you negatively based on one tiny fraction of the whole existence of your child, which is utterly unfair. By the same token, you've assumed she's generally had an unhappy life based on that SAME SINGLE MOMENT. For all you know, she could be a kind and caring woman, generally, but with obnoxious neighbors who've been keeping her awake, etc.

A similar thing happened with the gentleman in the car; you seem to have judged each other positively, but maybe there was a note of sarcasm in his comment you didn't catch.

Granted, the above examples are a bit of a stretch, but you see my point. A person is not who they are in a single moment, but who they are over their lives. It is unreasonable for us to act happy and nice all the time, because it would eventually become insincere and meaningless. God knows we've all had our moments.

By ShallowThoughts May 26, 2009

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