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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
FAST FACTS
The other day I was at lunch with a friend and our server was being incredibly rude for no apparent reason. The two of us had said very little to her, had asked for very little and ordered our meal simply, without any confusion. I am not suggesting that had we been a bit more high maintenance that it would have warranted her attitude, but I am stating the facts. My friend and I are both therapists and couldn't help but to wonder what was "going on" with her.
This happens in life. People interact with you based on their own internal story of the moment and it is as if we have walked into their world and they are unable to adjust to the new players. It is annoying and can even be offensive but it is a skill to learn not to take it personally. Admittedly this is very difficult. We often find ourselves questioning, "What did I do to upset this person?" The fact is that with strangers, like this waitress or someone being rude behind the counter, the odds are that you did nothing. They may be having a bad day or you may remind them of someone they are in conflict with. Again, this does not excuse the behavior but may help to explain it.
The reality is that we are only really in control of our own behavior and despite our protestations we may do little to affect the behavior of others that are not close to us. It is true that if you approach someone with a smile and a cheerful tone the odds are better that you will receive that in return. But sometimes it doesn't matter what vibe you are giving off the other person may resist being influenced by your good mood.
In these cases, as I mentioned earlier, it is important not to take it personally. It is also important to get your needs met whether that means prompt efficient service at a restaurant or getting information or goods somewhere else. So try not to reduce yourself to their level of grumpiness. Be clear and firm about what it is that you expect and most of all don't be intimidated. At a restaurant you have the advantage of being able to express your dissatisfaction in the tip - or lack thereof, depending upon how offensive the behavior is. Use your voice to complain to the management (after your meal) and if you are so inclined, asked the person directly why they are being so unpleasant. Sometimes people need a little encouragement towards self awareness. This exercise will not only help you to practice being assertive but it will assist you in getting your needs met in many different circumstances. Above all, don't let their bad mood be contagious and ruin your positive experience.
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Displaying comments 15-1 of 35
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Have a great day.
Jack
Well dinner was finally over and here comes Miss flirty pants and hands the bill to my husband, (I thought she was going to give him a free lap dance LOL)! I said, excuse me I'll take the bill and my tip to you young lady is THE PENIS DOESN'T ALWAYS PAY!!!! Her mouth dropped and we told the manager and laughed all the way to the car.
I believe she realized what an ass she had been to nice people who didn't warrant her scowl. For us, the money represented that someone thought well of her, regardless of the way she treated us. It's like she snapped out of her funk-- for a moment at least. Yea, it's money, but her smile was genuine.
Now I'm not just saying this having experienced it but I've been on the other side too...I've BEEN the person providing the service and I ALWAYS do my best to be pleasant and helpful even if I don't feel like it. I'm human, I don't always succeed, but I try. And I've WORKED with people who'd been in the business longer than I have who were terribly rude to customers and staff.
People on both sides of the transaction need to try and be pleasant. I can't tell you how many obnoxious customers I've had to deal with. People who think they have some kind of God given right to walk all over you because you're just a store clerk or waitress.
I don't usually complain about store staff because I've been there and I know how hard it can be to pretend to be happy when you just want to scream inside. Store employees are usually paid poorly and treated poorly by management and they feel it. It's hard to keep a positive attitude under those circumstances.
With me having lived in a chaotic household for almost two decades now, I know how hard it is to go into the community and worksite and do a job with a customer oriented attitude.
I used to get put off by people's rudeness... but now I think to myself, I wonder if she and her other half or child got into a fight this morning... I wonder if her mom/dad yelled at her, hit her, or if she witnessed them arguing or passed our drunk... I wonder if she is a mom wondering how she is going to pay her bills because her baby's father is an addict and does not contribute to the household needs.
Our world is so full of people whose lives are filled with pain... the pain level exceeds the joy level and they are overwhelmed by life circumstances and are doing what they can to function.
Recently, I asked a cashier if there was anything I could do for her, she seemed to be very sad. She opened up a little with me, but it made me realize there was something tramatic going on in this person's life.
Few people have good support groups and HEALTHY attachments. I had to come here to find help with dealing with a Compulsive Gambler husband and our special needs child (Down syndrome). But there are many people who have lost the capacity in their brain to be able to even think beyond their pain that keeps stabbing at them.
Just some thoughts and observations experienced from real life situations. debby
It is personal when you go to the store and purchase supermax overnight winged sanitary napkins and the clerk fails to look you in the eye, question your ability to pay for the intended purchase, then slams your change down on the table. That is truly frustrating.
As such when I receive subpar service, I report. I win some, and I lose some. I never confront management, I report to the corporation or the BBB.
Situations such as yours are not unique, not to diminish your experience, but a lot of people are asinine in their "service" to other people. They are not relishing in the mindfulness of compassionate outreach to those that they serve and they inherently judge people, inevitably, inaccurately.
I would question the public health attributes of the service and quality of the food by a foul behaved server. Poorly served food brings about a bad taste to meal... And the power we all have while we go to restaurants is to report...
Nameste',
Dr. G-