The Unkindness of Strangers by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Experts

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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The Unkindness of Strangers

Posted in Anger Managemen... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Nov 22, 2008

The other day I was at lunch with a friend and our server was being incredibly rude for no apparent reason. The two of us had said very little to her, had asked for very little and ordered our meal simply, without any confusion. I am not suggesting that had we been a bit more high maintenance that it would have warranted her attitude, but I am stating the facts. My friend and I are both therapists and couldn't help but to wonder what was "going on" with her.

This happens in life. People interact with you based on their own internal story of the moment and it is as if we have walked into their world and they are unable to adjust to the new players. It is annoying and can even be offensive but it is a skill to learn not to take it personally. Admittedly this is very difficult. We often find ourselves questioning, "What did I do to upset this person?" The fact is that with strangers, like this waitress or someone being rude behind the counter, the odds are that you did nothing. They may be having a bad day or you may remind them of someone they are in conflict with. Again, this does not excuse the behavior but may help to explain it.

The reality is that we are only really in control of our own behavior and despite our protestations we may do little to affect the behavior of others that are not close to us. It is true that if you approach someone with a smile and a cheerful tone the odds are better that you will receive that in return. But sometimes it doesn't matter what vibe you are giving off the other person may resist being influenced by your good mood.

In these cases, as I mentioned earlier, it is important not to take it personally. It is also important to get your needs met whether that means prompt efficient service at a restaurant or getting information or goods somewhere else. So try not to reduce yourself to their level of grumpiness. Be clear and firm about what it is that you expect and most of all don't be intimidated. At a restaurant you have the advantage of being able to express your dissatisfaction in the tip - or lack thereof, depending upon how offensive the behavior is. Use your voice to complain to the management (after your meal) and if you are so inclined, asked the person directly why they are being so unpleasant. Sometimes people need a little encouragement towards self awareness. This exercise will not only help you to practice being assertive but it will assist you in getting your needs met in many different circumstances. Above all, don't let their bad mood be contagious and ruin your positive experience.

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CATEGORIES: Personal Opinion

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anger Management • Anxiety • Breakups & Divorce • Codependency • Depression • Family Issues • Healthy Relationships • Parenting Big Kids (5-8) • Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) • Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) • Parenting Teenagers (12-18) • Parenting Toddlers (1-3) • Seasonal Affective Disorder • Shyness • Time Management

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Displaying comments 35-16 of 35

Having worked with the human race in various capacities I know first hand how difficult it can be. For many people who wait on people, one rude customer can ruin your day. Of course the trick is, to not let it ruin your interaction with the rest of the customers during your shift. Easy to say, at times hard to do. One thing we can do is to tell the rude waitress to have a good day, and mean it, in other words be sincere when you say it to her. Courtesy is catching, as is sarcasm.

By hammyhoney Jan 25, 2009

Good one. A keeper. Thanks so much.

By Lillian74 Dec 16, 2008

This message will be helpful anytime, though especially now, as the holiday season approaches. I have always tried to be kind & curteous, to all. Hoping it would contribute to someone else being that way to another. It makes the world a little better place, and wouldn't that benefit everybody?

By page Dec 07, 2008

This goes both ways. I work customer service for an airline. I am shocked and disgusted by some of the behavior exhibited to me at the airport. And I work for a good airline. I've learned to let things roll for the most part. But every once in awhile someone's behavior just is unexpected and rubs me the wrong way. People can be very impatient and cruel.

By yayasis Dec 03, 2008

I tell my husband this all the time, not to take it personally. He always thinks that when his co workers are in a bad mood that it has something to do with him. The world doesn't revolve around only us. People have all sorts of things they are dealing with.

By EthelM Dec 02, 2008

"Be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some kind of battle" The smile you give or the door you hold open today could be that tiny gesture that makes someone stop and take stock of the way they behave. Maybe the person who was unkind today will be kinder tomorrow.

By YogaGirl285 Dec 01, 2008

I couldn't agree more. As a result of a bad 18 months with lupus (much pain) I learned for the first time, that often when people have a lot of pain (emotional, mental, or physical, doesn't matter) inside of them, that it's bound to come out of the "cracks." Cracks being how they speak, act, stand, write, sigh, pound at the snack or ATM machine... anything. During those 18 months, I saw myself behaving in ways that surprised me. I was in so much pain that I was often snippy with my husband who was being so good to me. So I learned to see others as "walking wounded." We all have baggage, most of us have had life tragedies and so on. So, what can we do? Exactly what you said, don't take it personally and try not to sink to that level of pain or despair right along with them. We can have empathy for them without wallowing in it too. Our own baggage is heavy enough without adding more to it.

By mechellebelle Nov 26, 2008

It could be that she treated you badly because you are pretty. My wife can go to a nice diner, sit done and try to order a meal, either the female server is rude or my wife's meal is served cold or the wrong dish. It happens to her maybe 3 out 5 dining experiences.

By venshore2003 Nov 25, 2008

This is so true! I have been letting others reactions to themselves affect me and it starts a cycle. I am apologetic to craven and they are sardonic and raise their eyebrows or make impatient sounds. I learnt this behavior from my dysfunctional family. If they were in a bad mood it was my fault. This spoils many a moment for me. I need to learn to distance myself and not placate those around me or be timid. Thanks!

By Lain2 Nov 25, 2008

everyone is angry these day, a day doesn't go by that a person is not rude to me. I am this smiley person and no matter how rotten my day is I am nice in public ( at home a different story) It is a denial thing for me so it really gets me angry when a stranger takes their rotten life out on me. Sometimes I tell them to back off other times I just take it but it makes me reallly sad. I miss kindness.

By ClareAnne Nov 25, 2008

I find when emotion is not acknowledged it can become stronger.

I find a basic logical answer towards rude behaviour, as I see, said with love in ones heart, helps to diffuse the situation.

However it does not afford me a high rating in terms of mental intelligence, amongst some.

By Anna000 Nov 25, 2008

Guys, it seems you have the matter settled. I loved DazyDuke's response. But overall, there are two tips at The Option Institute, "happiness is a choice" and "nobody has a power to MAKE us happy / unhappy".

By ZhenyaR Nov 24, 2008

Oh, how I believe this is true. I'm so old school, when it comes to customer service (as it should be.) These days, not many (though improving) establishments do not have or have accountability to their companys motto.

As strength, is finding me, I do find now a right to speak. Yes, it has to be cautioned with my own moods as well. This goes for the rude customers before me or abusive parents around me. Don't worry, it is with tact. However, some people need that mirroring and others need to know they don't need their bad behaviors. good one!

By it2speaks Nov 24, 2008

She probably just had a bad day dealing with OTHER, more high-maintenance customers and it rubbed off on your guys. Emotions leave a residual sting.

By koolman Nov 24, 2008

When I was young I worked as a bill collector for a bank. I learned very early not to take what strangers say personaly. I has helped me all
my life. My attitude is there are times everyone just has to vent and sometimes it is easer to do this with strangers.
Thanks for your post

By bobbi0131 Nov 24, 2008

Dazy, I like your style. My brother use to travel all over the world as a tour director and he tells me that T.I.P means "To Ensure Promptness". so, if you are not getting fast service, the tip should be one penny. If you leave nothing, the staff will think you stiffed them. I try to be nice to restaurant personnel because I know it can be a hectic, thankless job at times.
I do remember one time I went out to eat by myself & the waitress was quick off her game. Came to find out later than her 3 yr old daughter was in the hospital having surgery and she wanted to be with her, naturally but the boss made her work. Then, I began to get p.o.'ed at the manager. What a druid.

By Cybercatxq Nov 23, 2008

I have been on the flip side of this. After serving a customer with a smile, to their ultimate satisfaction, and doing my job as quickly, pleasantly, and efficiently as possible, I have encountered the "i"m against tipping people" and had one woman tell me directly to my face that she wasn't tipping me because she "despises minimum wage workers and the lack of my tip will assist you to get a real job." So, although everyone needs to evaluate their attitudes in my experience it is mostly those receiving the services, not those giving them.

By autumn2672003 Nov 23, 2008

I understand the point you are making and it's a good one. BUT the one thing that might have helped in this situation was empathy and validation.

Why not say to the server...Working with the public must take alot of patience, huh? OR Being a server looks like a diffcult job with a lot of pressure. OR Is this a nice place to work? Are you treated well?

I'm suggesting asking these questions as I have often asked this of people who were difficult. And it's amazing how well it works. You are validating that the *difficult* person may have some pressures that no one else knows about.

At the very least you have shown that person compassion and kindness -- and not judgement even if they don't acknowledge it. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.

By auntpinkie Nov 23, 2008

I work as a receptionist at a speech therapy clinic. I'm always customer service oriented when I deal with people in person or over the phone. I don't bring my problems to work. Most of my problems and stress in my life stem from work. I get rude people on the phone or people who are not happy about paying their bill and it gets taken out on me. I have to smile and go about my day even if others rudeness has upset me. I don't even take it out on clients. You think i would since I have a boss that likes biting my head off for the smallest mistakes I make even though I'm still new at my job.

So, when I come across people who are crabby at their jobs, I try not to take it personally. Even though, I don't think it's right, I try to have compassion because I know how it is to be in a customer service position. It isn't happy all the time. Not everyone has learned how to deal with putting their troubles behind or has been given the tools to learn how to do so.

By Butterfly1970 Nov 23, 2008

Sometimes the same happens to me but, by GOD's grace, I am able to actually make these people smile. I know many people will not be appreciative or open to this; however, I know that GOD's love radiates from HIS children (the ones who actually know, trust and love GOD and not the religious establishment's version of HIM). It is infectious and can soften even the hardest of hearts. I enjoy helping people to find the smile inside. It is merely one of GOD's wonderful gifts. HE never gives bad gifts, sickness, or anything evil. Every good and perfect gift comes from the FATHER of Light. Knowing we are loved allows us to love people no matter what level they are on. And if you don't believe in GOD (although HE does believe in you), it doesn't hurt to still be kind and patient. After all, what if it were you dealing with crabby, grumpy, unappreciative people all day long, have an ill parent to care for and you are the only one still employed in your family. You wouldn't feel very much like being kind, would you? So think about that other person before you start to be rude or offended. As Cyndi said, "the reality is that we are only really in control of our own behavior".

By Hananoaoi Nov 23, 2008

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