Each child should be educated and brought up according to its own way. This means that for some kids it is effective and for some it isn't. Some kids can be reasoned with and some can't. Personally, I disciplined my kids according to their personalities. I had one kid who only understood that if he did wrong it was to be a spanking because nothing else worked with him. With my middle one, you only needed to explain what the problem was and he would comply. It would have been cruel to use harsh punishment on the middle one and ineffective to try to reason with the stubborn one. We do what works. If it is necessary it should be used as constructively as possible and only if nothing else works.

To SentientParadox

Glad you got this off of your chest! Whew!

Big surprise your kids haven't accused you of being abusive -gee let's think about this -because they fear you! I grew up with adoptive parents who were strict disciplinarians (used belts, etc) -and my dad has anger management issues. I at the age of 39 have major PTSD over this...

So great that you can live with your "decision"....good for you! Glad that you don't care about the future outcome of your children. I am sickened to read your post -anyone who abuses children in my mind is just sick.

I was spanked as a child. My father would use his belt, my mother used wooden spoons. As an adult, I have a lot of anger issues and feel tempted to hit people when I don't get my way. I still wince when my mother raises her voice at anyone, and I'm so terrified of my father and my stap-dad that I don't ask them for anything, and at 28 years old, I STILL tiptoe past them when I even sense a hint of anger for any reason. I refuse to spank my son, but my husband used to see nothing wrong with it. That was until our 6 year old son started hitting, kicking, and grabbing me VERY hard when he didn't get his way. Since my husband changed his discipline methods, our son's actions have changed as well. Spanking causes a lot of emotional damage in a lot of people. Some people may not have had lasting effects, but many people do. Since there is no way to know which children will be permanently effected by this and which ones won't, I say it's best to not risk it and not spank at all.

I was raised with a firm hand and a paddled bottom if I was being bad...so were both my children. I used it as a last resort to curb unwanted behavior. I received compliments from strangers on how well behaved my children were. They are both grown now...they love me immensly and are well rounded stable contibuting citizens.
Spanking a child is a form of capitol punishment just as we have if you break the law as an adult. If done in anger then its child abuse. Sitting down with a 3 year old and trying to reason with him that putting cereal in the DVD player is not good just doesn't work! To the 3 year old mindset...if I put cereal in the DVD player my dad will talk to me...or my dad will spank my butt. I ask you which is more of a deterrent?

i was a child who got spanked and when i got spanked that escalated to other stuff and i have a lot of problems now

Hi

I have raised 4 children. I did use spanking and I have no regrets.It wasn't an every day thing.It was used as a consequence for very serious wrong doings. I had an incicdent where my eldest daughter locked her brother into a closet and turned the light out on him. It scared him so much he wet himself. I had him change out and I gave her his wet clothing to wash -by hand.

I know that sounds cruel, but she never did that again and she never forgot.She needed to understand that mind games were cruel and that there would be a consequence for them.

I ran things more as a "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" environment. All four have grown up to be very polite and loving people.I would dare to say they are more sensitive to other's needs and none have been in trouble. All are productive and educated people and I coudn't be prouder.

spanking is the right way if done in a proper manner Gods word says to spare not the rod and fear not for the weeping for it teaches them wisdom.now if God is for spanking who are we to say it is wrong .

I think we talk to much about "spanking." There are miriade ways that parents abuse their children that don't involve touching them. Many of them accepted by society. Spanking is a red herring, in my opinion.

Another comment regarding raising children without spanking....

I raised my daughter with the thought that she is an intelligent human being. I talked to her about things going on in life. We played games and watched movies and had fun growing up!

When she got into trouble (usually provoked by other kids), I would ask her why she did that? And then get HER to clean up the mess.

I never spanked her. And she was always a happy child.

When she was 11, I had gone back to college and then got an after school job there helping out in the evening program. So I would go get her from home after classes and bring her to work with me.

I'd set her in front of a computer and let her play with it (we are geeks BTW! LOL). My accounting teacher came in and started chatting with her while I worked.

Later my accounting teacher mentioned that she had never met such an intelligent polite child of that age!

Well, I never treated my daughter (of her age) like a little girl. I treated her as an intelligent person. And she rose to the occasion.

Children will become what you expect of them. They are very intelligent so treat them as intelligent beings. When they take a wrong path, help guide them to the right path by talking about the consequences and be on their side to fixing the problem. Even little ones... single words like"oweee" to demonstrate something that will hurt them would explain more of what they have to avoid.

Communication, not physical confrontation, will teach more. Of course, if there is a more immediate danger, GRAB THE KID! But otherwise talk to them as the intelligent human being they are.

Spanking can get YOU in trouble with the LAW!

My son in law was helping out a disabled friend whose boys were setting fires. The boys nearly burned down the house when they caught the drapes on fire. He tried talking to them until he was blue in the face (he has three kids himself). He hated to but resorted to spanking them and had to since the "dad" who lives elsewhere and was not dealing with this.

Next thing he knew the ex-sister in law of the boys' father called the police and had him arrested for child abuse and on top of that they arrested my daughter for having a slightly messy house and called that child endangerment.

Ever since then, they have been under constant harrassment from the police. My daughter lost a well paying job is now hunting for another (in this market!), and they are at risk of losing their house because of the invasion and overkill and exaggeration and lies of the police report.

I know what the condition of the house is in and it was not dangerous.

My grandkids are now traumatized at being hauled away to strangers houses. And every time a stranger comes to the house they run and hide.

According to the Health and Welfare, spanking is a major NO NO!! And is considered child abuse.

Their house is inspected every month. They really have to toe the line. They are under probation for the next two years. And you can bet that the law enforcement will find some way to extend that again! On top of all this, they have amassed huge debt to their lawyers, Health and Welfare foster system, and the jail program (they have to pay for being in jail!!). Plus the regular debt they have been trying to control.

My daughter and son il absolutely ADORE their children and interact with them constantly. The kids are in no way neglected. I babysit them from time to time and they are healthy, active, polite, and outgoing kids. The neighborhood mothers love to send their kids over. That should mean something shouldnt it???

Bushy (as my grandkids call me-Polish for grandma)

It is a difficult subject with such a range of outcomes. I would not say that i am anti-spanking but on the other hand neither am i pro. I think spanking can be used as a useful disapline but like so many things the dangers are in the hands of the beholder.

I have spanked my children, the youngest more than the oldest (he is a more difficult child) but in honesty it is not affective and for me at least, it has been done from anger and i have felt like a monster after and only leading to me apologising to them and thus making the spank pointless.

I think that as a nation in all countries we need to give a bit more choice and power to decide to the parents, that is not to say that a beaten or abused child should have blind eyes turned but children know that really parents have no control, there is no respect for grown ups anymore and that is why few parenting methods work. If you restrict a child from something or secregate them it can be seen as damaging. Most parenting methods are confused and there is usually a negative to be made for it. Parents need to decide what is the right method for them, what feels comfortable and to be consistant with it and all those other judgemental people that may disagree will need to learn that if it is not hurting them or damaging the child then keep quiet and let the children be raised to the best ability of the parent.

The problem is NOT spanking. The problem is the motivation behind the spanking. It is too often done for the wrong reasons, as is mentioned in the article. Too often, parents use spanking as a means of regaining control over a situation where they feel they have lost power. That's when spankings become emotionally motivated, and damaging. Proper spanking is not about control, it's about teaching a lesson.

I am not one to tell other parents what to do, and thus would not tell other parents who don't spank that they should. In line with that, it is not anyone's place to tell me that I shouldn't. I don't believe in using anything but the hand, and never use objects. I also do not believe in spanking in anger. That makes the punishment an emotional reaction. and whatever lesson might be learned from it is lost.

Does this mean it never happens? Of course not. I'm as human as anyone else, and yes, sometimes I do make the mistake of reacting in anger (usually only vocally, but have spanked in anger as well). I think it is just as important to let our kids know that we are not Gods. We are not perfect parents, and we ALL make mistakes. It's just as important for our kids to respect us as it is for them to understand that we are NOT perfect. If we expect our kids to apologize when they make mistakes, we should be equally prepared to do the same.

There is nothing wrong with telling your child you are sorry for reacting in anger. We ALL do it, whether we spank or not. Anger is natural, and not always a bad thing, but sometimes it is, and we need to admit to our kids that we make mistakes.

Personally, I have never left a mark on my kids, at least not one that lasted for more than five minutes. A little rosiness never caused permanent damage. Before anyone jumps on me for the supposed emotional damage caused by what I consider to be "proper' spanking, let me just say that yes, i was also spanked as a child, and never suffered any damage, either physically or emotionally from it.

Yes, there are parents out there who spank, and do cause physical and/or emotional damage to their kids. But just because their are those who do so, does not mean we are all irresponsible.

Imagine yourself out for a walk with three young children who have no concept of road safety. One runs out into the road in front of an oncoming car. He's been told many, many times never to do so, yet he does it anyway, endangering his life, and his brother's life who tried to stop him. He also endangered YOUR life, because you had to stop them BOTH.

The above is not a made up scenario. It happened to me. My son received a sound spanking about fifteen minutes later, after we got home. Why wait? Because I was upset and angry in the heat of the moment. Before he was spanked, I explained to him that he would be, and why. I even sent him to his room to think about what he had done (specifically which was to ignore what he had been told about running into the road without looking, all the while ignoring our cries to him to stop).

There are some mistakes that children make that can KILL them. In my humble opinion, time outs and withholding privileges simply DO NOT cut it in these circumstances.

The simple truth is this. Spankings, when not overdone, or too frequent, make that moment MEMORABLE to the child. Look at it this way. Had that car been traveling a mile or two faster than it was, he probably would have been dead, and possibly his brother too.

For those of you out there who are thinking I should have given him a time out, or a long talking to, or withheld special privileges, or any combination of the three, LISTEN UP! YOU don't know my kids. I do.

Those things work for some situations, but when it comes to life and death safety matter, THEY DO NOT WORK! Ask me how I know. Because I've tried them. Not only have a tried them, I STILL use them quite frequently. There are some things for which those methods simply don't work with them. Spanking DOES.

Not one of them has run into a road since that day! And they are ALL alive and well today.

"But you didn't try anything else!" you might say.

NOT so. We had. Many, MANY times, and they STILL did it. Spanking is the ONE method that stopped it from ever happening again.

Again, I would NEVER tell anyone else what to do or not do with their own children. I don't know your kids. But I DO know mine. On the other hand, YOU don't know mine, nor do you really know ME.

I would never say, "All kids should be spanked [in these or those circumstances]" I would love it if those who don't feel they need to spank their own kids, don't tell me I shouldn't.

If your kids do fine with the way you bring them up, that is fantastic. I commend you for a job well done. My kids are doing fine too. So please don't tell me I'm not doing a good job, or that what I'm doing is wrong. I'm perfectly willing to hear the debate, and even participate to some extent, but nothing angers me more that someone flat out telling me that spanking is "wrong."

You are entitled to your opinions, and free to speak your point of view, but your agenda is to tell me I'm wrong, and that spanking is flat out wrong, your words are wasted on me. Save your judgmental breath. You do not know me, my kids, or anything about us. As such, you have no right to judge.

It is so easy to simply say, "Hitting is wrong." It is also very naive. Just because one has lived a life never being spanked, or brought up one's own children without spanking and your particular circumstances turned out well enough, does NOT mean that your way of doing things will work for every child.

My conscience is clear.

I agree there are no gray areas. There is a right way, and a wrong way to spank. I'm not going to get into that debate, because it's lot smack on the real point I have to make, which is simply that no one has the right to make blanket judgments on any particular method of discipline based on the negative results of some.

Speak your opinions in pubic forums all you want. That is your right, as it is mine. As long as you don't cross my door step and tell me what I should or should not be doing in my own home.

Keep in mind too, that no one would ever have known I spank my children had I not been the one to say so. No one has ever accused me of abusing them.

Not even them.

I appreciate people's opinions both for and against spanking, but I am frustrated by an article that is against it but offers no alternatives. So, what are the alternatives to spanking? Help me out here.

Spanking is teaching violence as a solution. There are so many things wrong with this I do not have the time or the space here to list them all. Hitting is wrong, no grey areas here. Teaching right from wrong and respect for self and others is the only way. It does not take violence to control kids bad behavior, consequences work and teach needed life lessons but using violence only teaches violence.

Before spanking was such a big issue in homes across the nation, my parents used whatever was on hand to discipline us. Switches, wooden spoons, belts, were what was laid upon our butts if we ever got out of line. In our childhood years, a swat on the fanny was often ignored as a normal thing. Now, we have laws put in place to make sure abuse doesn't happen. I think it is a fantastic idea, because it minimizes chances for severe injuries.

I was spanked routinely. My mother would wale the daylights out of me. My grandmother critically said it would break my spirit and she was ritght. That was what my mother was trying to do, though. And she did.I became a quietly submissive codependent. I fought it for a long time, though. I did spank my kids, but stopped because I could see that it did no good. As an adult I have had to learn how to cope with this codependency and be a real human being! Spanking is not the way to teach your children anything worthwhile.

The whole idea of punishment is a very faulty one in and of itself. There is a difference between punishing another and stopping them from causing further harm to themselves and others. The later should only be what defines any type of action taken toward a child by a parent. Even yelling and verbal abuse can be simple punishment. In society we tend to want to punish others when we feel pain. A driver cuts us off in traffic and we want to let them know the pain we feel. Hand gestures, dirty looks, etc. all are an attempt to give them some of the pain we feel. This is a simple example but one which I think most can relate. So what is the result? Well, the pain we feel gets justified and stored within us, when we use punishment toward others. The other person also gets additional pain which they will at some point have the urge to pass on. When you look at deeply disturbing acts of violence one person perpetrates on another, we often wonder where the drive to do such an act came from. But we can simply look at our own inclination to pass pain onto others and then realize that certain people have gotten so much passed onto them disaster results. The only cure for this disfunction is to consciously make the effort to stop the punishment cycle in it's tracks. Spanking children tend to be nothing more then a form of punishment and it should be stopped for just this reason. We must take the stand that we will create no more pain for ourselves and others.

The problem isn't spanking in itself. it's the parents doing the spanking. doing too much, for too long & too frequently without explaining why the child is getting a spanking. Parents with anger management issues shouldn't be using spanking.

I was spanked twice. I don't remember for what, but it was such a rare occasion and it must have really been something because my parents tell me I never did those things i was spanked for again. So it was effective. I too have turned out fine- any psych problems with me have been nurtured by my adult relationships and not from early childhood experience of getting spanked.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with an open-handed slap on the rump. It doesn't hurt, and it IS very effective for a naughty child who is merely pushing boundaries to see how much he/she can get away with. I was spanked ONCE as a kid, and that was that. It was three pats on the butt, stung a bit, and that was that. Next time my dad told me to go to bed, I went. I listened to him from then on and our relationship never suffered. In fact, I cherished my dad and we were best friends up until he died. By giving me discipline, he gave me the gift of listening.

I was not spanked as a child-my dad to got so angry with me once for being a mouthy teen that he raised his hand to slap me, but stopped when I just kept looking at him and didn't shy away.

There are so many other ways to set limits and boundaries with children then to hit them. It is not the only way to "get the message across" to a young child who can't "understand" you talking to them-first of all, yes they can understand simple boundaries (they may not follow through but they get it) at a very young age.

As a foster parent I saw that setting expectations for HOW to act and clear consequences for not following through, not focusing on what NOT to do, really helped even the little kiddos we had. This way you can catch them being good/safe/appropriate and praise them rather than wait until they goof and punish them. It also helps in then reminding them of what you expect when they do goof or begin to act-out and what consequence will be if they continue. Really how are they supposed to guess how to act just by you saying "don't to that!" It's not always easy to take the time to think about what you WANT them to do and communicate that, but it does work by setting clear boundaries ahead of time, and makes everyone less frustrated and on edge. Follow through and appropriate consequences are key.

My father-in-law jokes with all our nieces and nephews all the time "do you want a spanking?" We are pregnant with our first now and I told my husband I hope the first time they hear that our little one says "YES!" because they have never been threatened with it in the past and they don't know what it means-(why would Papa be asking if she wants to be hit-that's crazy!)