Many couples have shown up for a session in my office and declared that they haven’t spoken in days. Typically an argument ensued sometime in the recent past and it remained unresolved. At some point the couple became so stuck that they simply ceased to communicate at all beyond what was necessary to live under the same roof. When they arrive there is sometimes an exhale as both lift the moratorium on speech and begin to unload.

There is typically an evolution to anger that, without an outlet such as therapy, is added to a store house of resentment that can build up over the years. In these situations when the arguments first occur a point is reached where no one feels heard or understood and instead of looking for a resolution they opt out of the communication altogether. The process typically goes through phases from the intensity of the conflict to exasperation and then a giving up. In silence some people calm down and begin to let go of their position and yearn for compromise if only for the return of connection. Others stew; they dig their heels in and continue their side of the debate in an internal dialogue which of course results in them being even more convinced of their position.

Some may argue that this is their natural process and that these disagreements by their very absence are over after the silent treatment. This is rarely if ever the case. What results instead is a buildup of unresolved conflict, a feeling that trying to be heard in the partnership is futile and the continued existence of poor communication skills.

For those who have couples therapy as an outlet there is at least some return to the issue at hand and an attempt to find better ways to resolve future conflict. If conflicts are so heated that they cut people off from one another completely, then it becomes clear that they are rarely about the actual conflict but instead about some deeper underlying issue in the relationship. Unless those issues are dealt with the repeated conflicts will serve as distractions for the more salient issues. In the absence of a safe place to process these interactions couples need to have an awareness of their patterns and implement strategies to avoid further injuring their partner emotionally.

When couples find themselves giving their partner the silent treatment they need recognize the detrimental effect this can have in the long run instead of the often rationalized thought that it is a cooling down period. I am all for a cooling down period–if both people are aware of what is going on. Have rules for fighting (which should be established in calm non-combative moments) that limit the amount of time without communication. And while it sounds old fashion (some of the best advice is) if at all possible, never go to bed angry. This doesn’t mean you must resolve the conflict before you turn out the lights, but that you at least agree to disagree and return to the discussion at the next available time. This allows for both people to feel as if they will have an opportunity to be heard and understood which, believe it or not, is actually more important to most people than being right.

Cyndi