The Importance of Grandparents by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Experts

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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The Importance of Grandparents

Posted in Adoption by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Jan 28, 2009

If your children are fortunate enough to have living grandparents then hopefully you are actively facilitating a relationship between the two generations. Spending time with grandparents provides not only love and affection but a different perspective on the world. Grandparents are not hampered by the everyday tasks of parenthood and they often have the attitude of "been there, done that". We may not always agree with the way they parent or even be particularly interested in their parenting advice but they have a unique point of view. It can be difficult, particularly for those who choose to have children later in life, to take advice from parents or in-laws because it may seem antiquated, it may not reflect your values or choices, and it may be unwelcome. This is not an article encouraging you to go to your parents for advice with your children (although if you feel simpatico with their thinking that is certainly a good avenue for support) but to encourage you to help foster a relationship between your children and your parents.

I often get comments on my blogs that speak to the exception and so I feel the need to say that if your parents were in any way abusive, or if you no longer have a relationship with them, then this article does not apply to you. That said, you don't need to have a pristine relationship with your own parents for them to be a part of your children's lives. You should be clear with them about your parenting values and your expectation that they will honor your wishes with regard to those values. If you are comfortable that they will do so then you need to step back and let them enjoy each other. Often grandparents and grandchildren have a language of their own and understand each other in sweet and simple ways. Sometimes by the time a person becomes a grandparent they have learned their own valuable life lessons and are able to nurture in a way they were not able to do as a parent, because of youth and issues in their own life.

There is another side to this story of course which is occasionally what I hear from my clients. That scenario involves parents who would love the grandparents to be more involved in their children's life but can't seem to get their own parents to commit. The grandparents may even claim that they are done raising children and don't want to be more involved then the occasional visit. They may have their own busy social lives, little free time or are just too set in their ways to include small children in their routine. This can be a painful reality and cause bitter resentment in families.

Do your best to express your desire for there to be a connection between your parents and your children. Schedule time and make yourself available. If at all geographically possible, when your children are small and school is not a factor, designate 1 day per week for grandma or grandpa to spend some quality time with your child. If you recognize the value in this relationship you will be more likely to make it a priority.

Children offer a sense of wonder, spontaneity, silliness and joy that is often lost as we age. Grandparents provide history, continuity, a sense of belonging to a group, and tradition among many other things. The relationship can be mutually beneficial and the memories it may create for your children can last a lifetime.

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CATEGORIES: Personal Opinion

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Adoption • Child Support & Custody • Children Of Divorced Parents • Empty Nests • Family Issues • Gay Parenting • Grandparents Raising Children • Healthy Relationships • Homeschooling • Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) • Parenting Big Kids (5-8) • Parenting Newborns & Infants (0-1) • Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) • Parenting Teenagers (12-18) • Parenting Toddlers (1-3) • Pregnancy • Senior Health & Aging • Single Dads • Single Parenting • Step Families • Twins, Triplets & More

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Displaying comments 25-6 of 25

What do you do when your grandchild lives across the country? My granddaughter lives on the west coast, and I live on the east coast. I don't get the chance to go out very often and when I do my son and his wife go off and leave my husband and I alone with my granddaughter, she is 2. This seems okay but I feel it is unfair to expect me to come out to visit, which I only can go out about once per year to babysit! My husband refuses to go anymore because it is so boring being stuck in the house all day. We know little of the area and feel like we are being taken advantage of. I know it is probably not intentional but I don't know if I want to go out to visit anymore.

By Catherine1128 Feb 09, 2009

ALL OF THAT SOUNDS GOOD AND MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IS A GOOD MOTHER. I TRY TO BE POSITIVE FOR HER,AS SHE SEEMS TO BE RE-LIVING HER CHILDHOOD THROUGH HER OWN CHILDREN. HER PARENTS WERE THE BEST ALCOLHICS AND HER MOM PASSED AT ONLY 40. NOW MY SON, HAS HIS OWN ADDICTION PROBLEM. I WAS TOLD LAST WEEK THAT SHE WANTED A FAMILY TABLE DINNER, AND MY SON PASSED OUT WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS FOOD.THE KIDS HAVE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED FOR FRIENDS TO SPEND THE NIGHT. SHE HAS TO HIDE ALL OF THAT AND HOLD OUT TO NOT TELL ANYONE FOR FEAR HER KIDS .LIKE HER SIBLINGS WERE TAKEN AWAY.
BUT SOMETIMES SHE IS FRIENDLY, MOST SHE NEVER TALKS TO ME NEVER ANSWERS THE PHONE IF SHE SEES ITS ME. WE HAVE HUGGED AND SHE EVEN RESPONDED WITH SHE DOES LOVE ME. BUT HOW MY HEART FOR MY 3 GRANDS IS BROKEN. WE WERE IN DR OFFICE AT SAME TIME SHE SAT DOWN AND NEVER LOOKED AT ME, THE KIDS LOOKED, BUT WERE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK TO ME TILL THEIR DAD CAME IN.I HAVE PRAYED SO HARD FOR HER, WHAT A DISMALLIFE,TO SOMEONE SO UNDESERVING.

By redkat Jan 31, 2009

This article hits home and I know, from personal experience that what you write is accurate. My Dad left my Mom with me(I was 6 months old) and my sister(3 years old). My grandparents lived in a large house in a near by suburb and they converted the basement of the house to a liveable suite. I grew up with my grandparents there all the time. They retired early, so they were at home everyday I came home from school. My grandfather took the place of a "father figure" at home and my grandmother was as sweet as ever. So, I, too know how valuable grandparents who are close with their grandkids are.

By SuperMonkey81 Jan 30, 2009

When our daughter brought forth our first grandchild, we were so happy! However within a week of bringing him home, she was back in hospital with the return of a malignant brain tumor. The next 14 months she fought to survive. She had little time with her son but we made the best of whatever time she could. They say there is a hormonal bond between mother and child for over a year after birth. If that is true, she gave her son the security that bond would give. When I stepped in to raise my grandson my emotions were filled with guilt and joy. I felt as if I was taking away from my daughter who passed away when her son was 14 months old. Yet, the joy of seeing him grow and be happy made me think of her and how happy she must be looking down on him. The other grandparents were highly dysfunctional so they were not allowed near the child, per the courts. We realized he was missing that special relationship with grandparents when we became Mom and Dad again. We decided to make special grandparent days for him. He was spoiled on those days, taken to the toy store and out to lunch. He was hugged and loved and encouraged to do good. The next day we were Mom and Dad again and worked on homework, set goals, and disciplined when necessary. But, every once in awhile he was special for a day with grammy and boppy. He's 19 now and remembers those days so well. I am confident he will pass on the love to his children someday. I already see him doing so with our granddaughters who adore him as much as he adores them!

By daisydduck Jan 30, 2009

Thanks for the article.I am a mother of a 19 month old son.My parents try to be a part of my sons life as much as possible.Before my son was born my mother found out she had breast cancer.She is on chemo and still fighting for her life today.Even though there was times I wished she could have been there more.Her and my father tried to help us as much as possible.My boyfriends father died when he was young.His mother is still alive and in good health but like the article talked about she just is to busy in her own life to help out with her sons only child.I think she babysat one time for us when he was a couple months old but made up excuses that she was to busy after that.It really hurt and caused problems in my relationship.I felt that she could have been more understanding that my mother was sick and tried to offer more help.My boyfriend also works with her at a family owned shop and after baby was born she only gave her son not even a week off.She received alot of help from her mother and inlaws when her children were growing up and it bothers me that she doesnt try to help her own kids and grandchildren more.

By nlechmaier Jan 30, 2009

What a fabulous article! I don't think you can understand the joy of granparenthood until you are there. Also, when you can give the parents some time off, and you get to spend time with the grandkids, it is a win-win situation for everyone. Thanks for writing this, and I like the suggestion of a site for grandparents.

By LanyL Jan 30, 2009

thank you dial999 it has taken me a lifetime but I am beginning to realize that I am worth something despite the ways my mother made me believe that I was never good enough for anything, not even a birthday card. When I was young I used to think I was adopted or something and now I know that the truth is I should have been adoped out. She resented me just because I was born and someone like that should never keep a child they do not want because no matter what the anger will come out. She is the queen of passive aggressive hatred. I have just always made sure that I never treated anyone in any way that may hurt them because I know the pain I have felt. I never understood why people always say that those who were abused become the abusers, I would never ever be able to live with myself if I ever hurt anyone, it is just not in me and mostly that makes me a target. So much to learn!

By desrtrse Jan 29, 2009

thanks for the response Carlyf. The truth is that when I decided to marry, I began a new relationship with my mother and when my kids were young the relationship was there so they did not see me fighting or dissagreeing with my mother. I wanted it to be different and did my best to maintain a healthy attitude and set good examples. It is when my kids dad left us and the grew into rebellious teens that the problems started. I asked my mother for help with them and that included her supporting me as their mother and not their rebellion against me. She chose them and that is when the trouble started which exploded over the years into my daughter hating me and she was the instigator so I chose to never allow my mother again into my life unless she fixed the problems she created between me and my daughter. It is a diffult situation to explain and even more difficult to believe that 12 years later it is still going on to this extreme. I have never stopped trying to reunite with my daughter and I have never stopped asking my mother to repair what she has done, but the truth is that my mother is truely an evil person, she had me when she was a teen and I have paid my entire life for her mistake. She has taken everything, everyone and anything else that she can find to take away from me. My only chance of success in anything is to not have her a part of my life because she is a vampire. Hope that is clear, I did not fight with my mother when my kids were young,always I just wanted a mother, not a frustrated teen who wanted to live my life. I wanted to have a family and did whatever it took to have that but my mother would not allow that to happen and so here I am. Just an added note, I loved my grandmother who my mother hated and she was jealous of my relationship with her mother. This is, I am sure,a contributing factor to her treatment of me and my kids, she wanted them to love her and not me so she bought them with money and material things and trips to disney when we were living in the slum projects after my pig of a husband ran up credit cards and did not pay the mortagage on the house we had, he left us with nothing and no child support and instead of my mother helping us have a decient place to live and the kids have shoes and clothes when they needed them she bought them excessive toys and trips to disney and I was the one they began to hate because I had to work all the time just to feed them and keep a roof over their heads. I did not set the example for my daughter, my mother made sure it happened.

By desrtrse Jan 29, 2009

Thank you for this insightful article. I had a very close relationship with my grandmother who passed away over 18 years ago. I think it's also important to note that as adults we sometimes still need our grandparents love and support. With the absence of my own grandmother in my life as I move closer to middle age, I've adopted a family friend as my grandmother. I've found as I move through life that sometimes we need to find people like her to help us fill in the empty places left by strife within the family. I know that I'm stronger for doing so.

By Kstana Jan 29, 2009

I would love my son to have a relationship with my husbands parents but they are only interested in their daughters child. All the other grandchildren are pretty much ignored. It is sad because I have tried so hard. It is always one sided. It is really sad also because we are expecting our second child and they could care less.

By ShellyBelly79 Jan 29, 2009

Hi there Desrtrse, I too find myself in a situation where my parents somewhat overstep boundaries and ignore rules I've put in place ,to ensure discipline in my son later in life (he is 3 now).
I live with my parents and am soon to be married and hopefully moving out soon. Because I realize my parents have to see and respect me as an adult first before they see me as mother of their grandchild What I have realized is that, my relationship with my parents is just as important as my relationship with my son in there own respective ways. And how our relationship as adults (me and my parents) will later in life reflect in my relationship with my son when he is an adult. Kids do as they see, no matter how many times we try to tell them different, that is the reality of it. Its seen day in day out with abuse. Look at it like this, you and your mom dont have a good relationship. How different is it that you and your daughter dont have a good relationship.
Im not saying that your mom is right and you are wrong. Im not looking to assign blame. Perhaps a different perspective and a solution to this. Life is too short to carry all this pain in your heart.

By carlyf Jan 29, 2009

I am a "young" 48 year old grandmother of a 3 year-old boy and an 8 month old girl. I have the pleasure of their company every afternoon. They bring me so much joy and happiness! The unique love I have for these children cannot be expressed in words. They teach me as much as I attempt to teach them. I see their mother, my daughter, parenting in much the same way I parented and raised her. I had four children in six years so I was an extremely busy mommy! But I felt the most important gift I could give my children was "unconditional love". Sure they all made mistakes. But they learned from them, as we all should. I must say all the hard work I put into rasising them with strong morals and values was worth every minute. Now, all four are young adults, and the efforts my husband and I put into raising them to be thoghtful, generous,kind,and selfless has come back to us as I see all these qualities in them as adults. I adore each and every one of them, and admire their own unique personalities and qualites. My grandchildren are now being taught in much the similar way that I taught their mother, and believe me, eight months old is not too young to start teaching! They are wonderful children that bring a unique joy and love to my heart. I am truly blessed!

By mimi055 Jan 28, 2009

I am so sorry to hear your sad story, Desrtrse. Your experience does make us all realise just how important good mothering (and grandmothering) needs to be, something you feel you missed out on.

You sound like a lovely, caring person and I do hope that in the future your dreams come true.

By Dial999 Jan 28, 2009

I am a great-aunt and have enjoyed being an aunt and looking forward to establishing the same relationship with my great-nephews and nieces. I even do some amount of spoiling and pampering! But I caution you that if you have a generous grandma or auntie or great-aunt. DO NOT tell your child who wants some expensive outing or binkie that *Auntie will buy that for you* or *Auntie will take you there.* The child will ask you for it and may be disappointed when you do not provide it. One of my nephews blurted out *Well Mama said you would buy it for me!* and then I had to have a confrontation with his mother which was embarrassing for her and not at all pleasant for me. Be sure to teach your children to thank Auntie or Grandma/Grandpa nicely and always be respectful and mind her/him. We do appreciate it.

I just found out tonight that I have a new great-nephew born last night -- that makes six (two girls and four boys) so far and counting, I hope. And not a bad one among them all.

By Appleby Jan 28, 2009

Being a grandmother of four, ages 6 and under, I have to say it's the best thing I've ever experienced. I loved having children but as a young mother,it never seemed like there was enough time to do all the little extra things with the children that you wanted to do. Now, when the grandchildren are here, every moment is spent doing what they want by simply playing and acting silly with them. These are times we will never get back and they grow so quickly. Who knew it would be this fun.
By Chris

By tinytina7 Jan 28, 2009

I was blessed with 21 grandchildren. But they are all in different states and the farthest ones (3 of them)liv in Austria, Europe with their parents. I would have loved to just go around and stay with each family but financially that would be impossible. I write them, sent them birthday gifts (that's about all year round)and talked over the phone.During their graduation.i.e I get invited to attend so I did. On special occasions, like when my grandkids from Austria and Chicago came to visit Florida so I brought them to Disney World. Good idea to have a Grandparent's support group.
Ludy

By ludy Jan 28, 2009

I thought grandparents were important too so I decided to let my mother back into my life when I got married because I thought it important for my kids to have a grandmother. Turned out to be the worst decision of my life. Despite my attempts to talk with her about boundaries and respecting me as the mother of my kids she of course did the opposite of my request and ultimately I lost my kids when they were teens and giving me problems. I was a single mother at that time and she over stepped everything I was trying to do to raise my kids as healthy, loving, trustworthy individuals. She supported my daughter's bad behavior and destructive decisions and to this day my daughter does not speak to me. She was 16 when she left me and I never stopped trying to get her back and help her succeed in school and on to collage. Well my mother interfered constantly and now at 28 my daughter just had a big wedding, with my mother there acting as if she were the mother. I was not invited, the only contact I have with my daughter is for her to curse me out and say all the worst things anyone could ever say to another human being. Needless to say I regret the day I ever let my mother back into my life and would advise everyone to realize that just because someone is a grandmother does not mean you should let them be a grandmother. My daughter still does not have an explanation for all the horror she has given me, why she claims I am an unfit mother is something she made up in her head but can never tell me, but her grammy is her hero. My mother is a demon and my only hope is that when she is gone my daughter may find her way home. For now my daughter is a foreign person to me that I do not understand, she was the light and the love of my life when she was born but has turned into something I will never understand and the support my mother has given her has caused more damage than anyone could ever imagine. She took away everything and everyone who ever meant anything to me and at 72 she is still going strong. All I ever did was to be born to her. what a nightmare my life has been thanks to my mother, the grandmother of my children.

By desrtrse Jan 28, 2009

And if you do not have grandparents near by for your children to enjoy, look to your elderly neighbors who may not get visits from their families..

By marymargaret Jan 28, 2009

Thanks for the article..I and my little granddaughter have a bond that is so special and am so thankful they moved back so I can enjoy her so much more..

By Mountaingal8284 Jan 28, 2009

Until their teenage years our sons were very lucky to have two sets of loving grandparents who enriched their lives. Now we are the grandparents of five wonderful grandchildren and, as they stay within the same area, we've had the good fortune to be part of their lives since the day they were born. We've had the joy of family holidays, visiting, baby sitting, family meals trips to the theatre, cinemas, the zoo and so on. Now ranging in age from 19 to 13 we continue to have very close contact, they frequently come for meals or out shopping with me without being urged by parents, indeed we see them at least once if not twice a week a week and I find I'm often confided in about boyfriends or girlfriends. I believe we must always recognise and respect the rules set by their parents although, in private and when asked, I occasionally tell our beloved daughter-in-law to loosen the reins just a little. We feel valued by our families and feel so blessed to be part of their lives and to have their love.

By AilP Jan 28, 2009

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