The recent press around Christie Brinkley's divorce highlights the many unfortunate results that divorce has on children.  It raises the question: is there such a thing as a good divorce when it comes to the children?  This is obviously a high profile media laden event but the emotions and the trauma are as real as in any other household with the added misfortune of having the children exposed to the really gory details.  Everything is being brought into question:  Her husband Peter Cook's infidelity and web-porn addiction, and her attentiveness, or lack thereof, as a mother.  Again these battles are not uncommon in the world of divorce but children often can and should be sheltered from this information as best as possible.

When a marriage is struggling and divorce is imminent, make no mistake, the children know about it.  It is foolish to think that they are blissfully ignorant to the strife between mom and dad.  There are some guidelines you should try to follow when dealing with your children as you go through a divorce.

Children need information but not details.  So tell them the truth about what is actually happening such as, "Mommy and Daddy are going to live in separate houses but we will both still be your parents and take care of you."  Don't give the details as to why this is happening but let your child know some concrete and non-blaming reasons such as, "Mommy and I disagree on a number of things and we think that we will get along better if we are not married and not living in the same house."  Ideally this conversation should take place with both parents present.  Make sure both parents are on board and a decision has been made to get a divorce before sharing this information.  The discussion about separation is a different one that I will address in another article. 

One report said that Christie Brinkley told her children that, "Daddy just doesn't love me anymore."  I have no idea if this is truly what she said because there is so much hype around this divorce but that is an example of something not to say.  It is hard for small children to differentiate between the love you have for them as their parent and the love you had for each other.  It is a scary notion for them to grasp that love between two people can cease to exist.

Reassurance is a key element that needs to be communicated to your child.  Let them know that they will always be loved and taken care of and that this is just between Mommy and Daddy and has nothing to do with them.  Let them express themselves openly to you, which includes sharing their anger and sadness as often as they need to.  If you say things like, "be strong" or "don't cry it is going to be fine" then they get the message that they cannot confide in you.  It may be difficult to hear how much pain your child is in because you are going through so much pain yourself, but this is one of these parenting moments where it is absolutely, unequivocally inappropriate to share your pain with your child (other then to say you are sad).  You need to muster all your strength to be a sounding board for your child and not look to your child to comfort you through this time.

You may have heard a great deal about not "bad mouthing" your soon to be ex and this is truly important no matter how tempted you may be to do so.  Children love both parents and that image needs to be preserved for them even though it has been destroyed for you.  This is different when one spouse has been obviously abusive or is engaging in overt dangerous behavior.  Professionals will adamantly disagree on this issue so I can only express my own opinion and counsel that I give to my clients.  If there is some obvious abusive behavior, such as domestic violence or criminal acts, then it is my belief that the child or children need to know (not the details) that mommy or daddy's behavior is unacceptable and this is why we need to be apart.  This is in extreme cases and not for instance in the case of an affair or a problem that is not obvious to the children.  In my opinion, this sets and example for your child of what is acceptable and what is not.  Even though it will be painful for the child to hear it they already know it is going on.  If this is the case, I strongly urge you to seek the help of a professional to get guidance about how to discuss these issues.  This subject brings up the sensitive issue of custody and visitation.

There is a great deal more to say on this topic so I will continue to address these and other issues around separation, divorce and custody, and how these events affect your children, in later articles.