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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
FAST FACTS
Teaching Your Children to Stand Up for Themselves
The social pressures of childhood are many and from the very early grades of elementary school children are influenced by peer pressure. Sometimes that influence is positive, such as when they are motivated to learn something new because they see that their friend has done so. And sometimes that influence is dark and quite negative such as when a child feels pressure to join in or follow the group when he or she knows they are doing something wrong. Even for adults it takes courage and great self confidence to go against the pack and stand up for what you know is right. Imagine the strength it takes for a child who is just beginning to understand the nuances of social behavior and status.
The lessons start very early when children begin to socialize. At a very early age children are not as susceptible to the group mentality as they will later become. They may like to join in the fun but they are less likely to go along with something just because their friend requests it. When children are young their attachment to their parents is usually strong enough to offset any worry about being an outcast. The people they are most concerned about pleasing are their parents. Later, as they begin to separate, social acceptance outside the family becomes very important. This typically happens for girls at a younger age than boys - around about kindergarten. This is when groups start to form and social preferences are made very clear.
It is our job as parents to help our children navigate these treacherous and sometimes heartbreaking waters. Here are a few steps you can take to help prepare your child:
1) Provide a loving nurturing home where your child feels safe and accepted.
2) Encourage your child to share her feelings with you on a regular basis thereby establishing early an open line of communication.
3) Talk to your child about peer pressure and come up with ways together to combat it. Give specific examples of real life scenarios. Role-play these scenarios with your child.
4) Make sure your child feels that he or she can always go to an adult for help if they feel they are having a hard time saying "no" to a friend about something. Identify with your child who they would go to if they felt the need.
5) Encourage your child to think about how they would feel if someone were mean to them or bullied them. This will hopefully help to build empathy and dissuade them from being bullies or part of a group that bullies.
6) Talk to them about what a "true friend" really is and how friends treat each other with respect. By at least 5 years old they should begin to understand the concept of respect. This varies from child to child.
7) Praise your child when you witness his or her exercise independent thought and certainly when you witness or have the knowledge of them standing up for themselves or for a friend.
Pay attention to any changes in your child's behavior such as sleeping and eating habits, irritability or forgetfulness that is out of the norm. These things could be a sign that something is going on socially that your child doesn't feel equipped to handle on their own. If you suspect something, don't wait and see. Talk to your child's teachers and, as always, talk to your child and keep those lines of communication
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Displaying comments 10-1 of 10
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What you say is so true. I would add one other thing and that is Teach your children to love them selves fully, they won't hurt others if they learn to love them selves and that way they will see the love in others.
Let them keep their imaginations and be children.
Love Jay
trigger. I got bullied in childhood I suppose I did not make a good impression
on my peers. Emotional, mental and social development does not development the
same in all children. I am in favor of all medical developments and progress because
after having a sleep study and a neurological exam I discovered that I have a sleep
disorder connected to asthma and sleep apnea. Possibly had it when I was a child
and I am sure that that condition and the stress of being bullied caused the "night
terrors and sleep walking as a child- that provided more fodder for the bullies even the
school principal said that there was a "monster" growing in my brain- hierarchies have
delusions just like the mentally ill- of course I didn't understand that as a child.
The only monster there was oxygen deprivation when I was in rem2 sleep.
When I was 7 my dad was driving me home from school and we came upon 5 boys beating the crap out of one other boy. My dad stopped the car and broke up the fight and drove the bullied boy home. He was in my class. He was crying and holding his arm. Didn't see him at school for a week. When he came back his arm was in a cast. Seems the boys broke his arm. As far as I know they never got in trouble for it. Nowadays they'd be arrested. Back then it was 'Boys will be boys'.
In high school we had an extremely overweight girl. She was mercilessly picked on. I tried being friends with her but she ended up alienating me. I felt bad for her. Her whole family was extremely overweight so it was a genetic thing not just a case of overeating. I have no idea what happened to her because I was never invited to class reunions.
I was lucky I guess, I was always very large for my age and I learned early on that my size could be intimidating.
I learned how to use that against those who picked on me. I also was the class cut up always cracking jokes and getting into trouble with the teachers thinking that this behavior got me lots of attention and helped me fit In.
I now know this was a way of coping with the feelings of low self esteem and not feeling like I belonged or fit in.
I never realized how bad a problem this was until my 20Th high school reunion when we sat with a high school classmate and her husband.
I didn't know her to well in high school, but remembered her as being very over weight.
As I listened to her talking about her school days and how horrible she felt almost every day with people picking on her and teasing her about her weight, I felt horrible.
She said some of the girls had nick named her miss piggy and after that she cried herself to sleep almost every night and even had thoughts of taking her own life.
Thank God she got some wonderful counseling in college and turned into a wonderful out going and self confident woman.
One of the things about this type of abuse is that there is no reprieve because the same kids are there year after year.
After this enlightenment I understood why so many of my fellow class mates didn't show up for the reunions.
There memories from school were not pleasant and the hurt was still there.
Later that evening when I danced with this lady I apologized for the horrible time she had going through school and secretly prayed that I had never teased her.
The point of this story is that the hurts we experience at a young age and in our youth effect our personalities and behavior for the rest of our lives.
Oh and by the way I'm still large and act the clown to feel like I fit in.
My thoughts
Don
But I wasn't supposed to fight back. No wonder I am the way I am now.
I agree that THE most important thing to do is set up early lines of open communication so your child always feels he or she can come to you without getting a lecture or sending you screaming into the school with a lawyer in tow. Ask *Have you thought about what you would like to do about this?* or *What would you like to see happen?* and encourage the child to brainstorm -- even if he says Detonate a Thermonuclear Device Under His Butt (which is something one of my boys frequently suggested) you have got him thinking that the problem is his to solve, not yours. Of course, if it is a case of bullying that is dangerous, you will have to take a hand in it, but in general I agree that children should sort out their own problems. My grandsons mother said that he could not get along with other kids -- but I found the problem was that she jumped into the arguments. I found that generally speaking the other children will tell him where the boundaries are and he quickly learned that either he followed the rules or they would not let him play. He was a very rambunctious child so he needed reining in occasionally but he soon learned which kids he could rough house with and which ones he could not.
My hat goes off to you all that are raising children today and in the future ;)
Willow54