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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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Talking To Your Kids about Sex - Part 1: The Early Years
We are all born as sexual beings and it is the lessons we learn about that sexuality that form our image of self, of our body and of sexuality in general. When I counsel individuals who are struggling with sexual dysfunction or shame issues that prevent them from having a satisfying sex life, I ask them what messages they received about sex from their parents and in their home. I hear everything from the crazy myths their parents perpetrated on them to, "we never talked about sex in our house." I have yet to hear someone who is struggling with sexual issues say, "my parents were open about sexuality and helped me to feel good about myself as a sexual being." These are lessons learned early and that stay with people throughout their lifetime.
Ask yourself what your own beliefs are about sex and your body. What are your hang ups or your fears? How do you feel when you hear a conversation about sex or read an article (like this one) that deals directly with sexuality and uses correct terminology for body parts? The answer to these questions are the messages you will pass onto your child long before they are verbal and can start asking the tough questions themself. It is a good time to rid yourself of those old demons that made you feel shameful and embarrassed about a natural and healthy part of life.
Positive messages about sexuality should start from birth. When you talk to your baby about their body, use the correct language for body parts. Yes folks it is a vagina and a penis - not a vajayjay and Mr. Willy. Children pick up on the fact that there is something naughty or dirty about their genitals when they learn that there needs to be a code word to describe them. When changing a diaper be aware of your facial expressions and your language. When you grimace and say, "eeewww stinky" even when you say it in a sweet and playful voice, the message is that there is something yucky about bodily functions. Try acknowledging the usefulness of this process and even say to your baby, "Look how well your body is working!"
Infants and small children will put their hands on their genitals and they will learn very early what feels good. They will also look to your expression for approval or disapproval and if you move their hands away or admonish them they will begin to experience shame associated with touch and self-exploration. As children get a bit older and are out of diapers they may begin to touch themselves while in a public place. This is the time to tell them that the touching is ok and feels good but it is private. These messages can blossom into a conversation about their body being their own and that they should cherish it and keep it safe. This means that only they or their intimate care takers, who assist them with cleaning or wiping, can touch the areas on their body that are private. Children are continuing to learn about boundaries at this stage and you can help them by letting them know that other people's bodies are private as well and that they need to respect that.
Questions about why their body is different from others (particularly the other gender) will begin to form at this stage and, depending upon the child, they may or may not verbalize their thoughts. When they do ask a question, be honest and answer directly. You don't need to offer detailed information at this point just the basic facts about body parts. As the years go on the questions will get much more complicated and I will explore the next phase of your child's development as a sexual being in Part 2 of Talking to Your Kids about Sex.
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It gave great knowlege, and less fear to understand having our children be comfortable in talking about their body parts / and developments. As we would hope, if need, they would be more aware and able to express themselves if something should happen.
Once my son called me to bathroom to let me know he was going to have two children when he grew up because he had two eggs! Haha Yes I did tell him that is where his eggs are made but those are not the eggs.