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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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A member asked me to address the issue of how her husband can cope with her mental illness. There is no question that the mates of those who are mentally ill can suffer sometimes as much as the person who has the diagnosis. Different people have different reactions, which fall anywhere on the continuum, from trying to fix the problem to abandonment. Most caretakers fall somewhere in the middle.
Information is a key component of understanding and empathy when it comes to mental illness. It is helpful, in cases where appropriate, to allow your mate to sit in on a session with your therapist or doctor who can provide them with some basic information about your diagnosis. Point them in the direction of web-sites like DailyStrength that offer support in the way of providing a community that is dealing with the same issues. As difficult as this may be, it is also important to recognize that a caretaker needs support as well as someone who is struggling with an illness. You may be afraid of losing the attention or focus but it is important to encourage your mate to take care of themselves. This may mean individual time for them to address their own needs. A caretaker who is in a constant state of giving will eventually run out of steam and not be able to be useful or helpful. In the worst case scenario they will become resentful.
In this way, the tables are a bit turned and the partner who is typically being cared for needs to step back and do some of the caretaking. Even in the absence of mental or physical illness people tend to fall into natural roles in relationships and, by virtue of personality style, end up being more or less a caretaker. In healthy relationships the balance is more equitable and I like to encourage people to be aware of this dynamic and make great efforts to adjust for it.
As with most aspects of a relationship communication is crucial. You need to be clear about your needs and make certain that they are reasonable and acceptable to your partner. The more your mate knows how to help you - in clear well defined ways - the more successful they will feel at the task. Taking time to ask what they need as well can help to allay burnout and resentment and keep a healthy dynamic present in the relationship.
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CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES:
ADHD / ADD
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Agoraphobia & Social Anxiety
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Alcoholism
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Anxiety
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Anxiety Disorders in Children
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Bipolar Disorder
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Bipolar Disorder - Teen
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Caregivers
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Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
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Cocaine Addiction & Recovery
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Codependency
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Depression
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Depression Supporters
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Eating Disorders
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Families & Friends Of Addicts
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Family & Friends of Bipolar
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Family & Friends of Cancer Patients
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Family Issues
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Gambling Addiction & Recovery
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Healthy Relationships
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Personality Disorders
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Post Partum Depression
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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
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Schizophrenia
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Seasonal Affective Disorder
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age 18. He's now 58 years old and has had to have his "meds" altered quite a few times in order for him to function and not exist in a semi-comatose state. He's gotten back into his physical fitness routine by working out at the gym and jogging 2 miles each day along the waterfront trail. He's lost 65 pounds and feels so much more positively about his future. It's really nice to see this change. He attributes the aerobic exercise to helping him feel so much better.
true art of communication. It failed horribly and now he thinks my Doc is a fruit cake and will run like a rabbit as soon as he drops me off for my sessions. I don't know what to say to my husband at this point.
But thank you for approaching this topic
flyawaygirl
I was a very willing caregiver up until I was slammed hard with fibro/chronic fatigue
My self-described hermit-ish husband has reversed roles with me. He is now at Mervyns Dept store looking for bargains. He is armed with my wish list and all my sizes.I used to love to shop til I drop...now I drop so fast it's safer to not go to the shopping centers.
I am lucky to have him and I know it so I try to show him in any way I can.I am learning to embrace his hermit-like tendencies and have grown to appreciate his ability to watch 1 movie a dozen times!! Thanks, Honey! I love you and I am grateful for your "It is what it is" attitude.
R
R
Worst thing about it is he's bipolar, self medicates and holds a job. His self medication is a constant source of stress for me, and he wants me to do the same - self medicate, hold a job then come home and do everything around the house.