This is really interesting because I think I am a PA person. I never really thought about it before, but I definitely demonstrate a lot of the traits that were listed. Man, this gives me a lot to think about...

Please write us more on this subject. What you have written is an excellent beginning, but the tentacles of passive-aggressive communication AND behavior run deep into relationships, and DEFINE relationships for entire life-times.

Once one is informed and self confident enough to spot a PA person who is a relatively new relationship, or even a stranger on this website, it is much easier to stop the PA communication from continuing, usually by stopping the relationship in its tracks and never having to deal with that PA person again.

However, when the PA person is a parent, a spouse, or other family member, it becomes a problem of monumental proportions. I consider myself a very upfront person, saying exactly what I think. I have always been this way. My parents have reported to me (usually with a smile) that I was "like this" even when I was a small child. If I wanted something, I just came out and asked for it. If I didn't like something, I just came out and said so. My parents have reported to me that I would be very persistent and patient while I waited for the right "openings" to continue in my quest for whatever (whether it be a new toy that I usually did NOT get, or later, permission to go somewhere with my teenage friends, which I usually DID get!). I think this has served me well. However, my mother has said in moments of anger, "you always get your way!" Nothing could be further from the truth. I grew up in a broken home, both my parents re-married badly, and I have had deal nearly my entire life with crazy, jealous, immature step-parents who I now recognize as people who suffer from serious "personality disorders."

Many people lapse into passive aggressive communication and behavior at some point throughout their lives, even if this is NOT their basic personality. Situations where they find themselves powerless can cause this, (I like the comment about how socialists are all PA because they are not allowed to express themselves directly for fear of appearing selfish), BUT so can being in a relationship with a passive aggressive person.

Passive-aggressiveness BREEDS passive-aggressiveness in those who are in long-term relationships with the passive aggressive person (as in the mother-in-law, a parent, and a spouse). The guilt trips, the emotional outbursts, the "narcissistic" attitude, the "always being the victim," the "always blame the other before ever looking at oneself," ALL of these things and much more are like an avalanche for anyone living with, or dealing with a PA person on a regular basis.

That avalanche comes tumbling down on a daily basis, and you are so exhausted by trying to dig your way out every day, that you start to "fight fire with fire," or in this case, "fight PA with PA." And before you know it, it is impossible to tell WHO is the REAL PA person in the relationship. Then if you bring it up, and call the PA person on their own PA, then the finger pointing begins, and the PA person will be right in calling you the passive-aggressive one, because you are now guilty of it too and have been for some time because you've been trying to survive emotionally and got sucked into these horribly unhealthy patterns of communicating.

And so one day...you just decide to STOP. You stop and go back to being your original BLUNT self, or however tactful and objective you would normally be in a communication with a NON-PA person, you don't even bother being with the PA person because anything LESS that blunt (as in delicately "being considerate of the other person's feelings" and communicating delicately), is abused and taken advantage of, or is simply NOT DELICATE ENOUGH.

So you just stop trying to be tactful because no matter how tactful you try to be it is always taken as being "rude," and not tactful enough. And then what happens is this: all hell breaks lose. The PA person turns into a fully aggressive person, and if that person is your mother, she'll yell and play the victim and be really angry and probably cry and you end up feeling like a monster, and totally confused like your brains have been scrambled. If that person is your spouse, they'll do pretty much the same thing if they are a woman, if your spouse is man, he will at least get very angry and accuse you of being inconsiderate, rude, and a lousy communicator. At worst, he might fly into a full blown rage and get physical.

So this is a very VERY serious subject. It is not enough for your article to leave us all hanging with the comment that being on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive is being "in a tough position." While I think that human behavior is usually very gray, and healthy open and honest communication is a extremely difficult to achieve AND maintain with those closest to us, people who have learned during their CHILDHOOD years to make passive aggressive communication their PRIMARY mode of communication, are NOT going to read your article and suddenly get better.

The only way to improve these relationships is to help the "OTHER" (which includes those of us who are maybe too direct at times, which is very subjective because what is TOO direct for one listener might be JUST RIGHT for another listener). A good place to start is for the "originally mostly NON-PA person" to look at themselves and try to eliminate their OWN PA behavior, even though the PA person in the relationship will react badly to this because it will "rock their boat." Your article suggests that.

But I think everyone who has commented here, and everyone who is suffering from this problem, would greatly welcome and answer to "where do we go from there?"

RaeDreams - that is too much to handle on your own. I strongly suggest getting outside help. What you are describing sounds abusive - not just passive aggressive. In this case his PA style is a symptom of a greater problem and I can understand why you haven't have much success addressing it head on with him. If it is possible to get him to see a couples therapist with you that would be ideal. At the very least get to an individual therapist so you can get the support and guidance that you need to deal with this very difficult and painful situation.

I just happened to read this headline and decided to read the article. My husband is a classic passive/aggressive individual. I have been married to him for 22 years. He will say he will be home at 6:00 p.m., and he will eventually roll in around 7:30 or 8, with no explanation whatsoever. When asked, he'll say "oh I got busy at work and didn't notice the time". He has made plans with me, and plans with my children, and he cannot keep plans to save his life. He also has this horrible habit of just blurting out hurtful comments to us all or laughs at the most inappropriate times, then says we're being touchy. My son broke his tooth the other night, and my husband laughed. This is just the tip of the iceburg. I fear him for his ways, and then he wonders why I can't give all of myself to him. He is never consistent. I surely have addressed the messages he's conveyed over the years, only to be called every name in the book. He may know I'm onto him, but he either won't or can't stop what he's doing. I'm in deep despair.

Seems to me that the cure to receiving passive aggressive comments would be to stop responding to criticism in a way that makes your friends and family fear speaking up with their conflicting opinions...

Almost communication is learned behavior. I say almost since one cannot "not" communicate. Also we cannot completely control how our messages are received nor interpreted; nor can we all be labeled PA just because some oare more self confident, fluent, have larger vocabularies, to express themselves. THe cultural aspect of it all must beconsidered as well. If yo judge me according to what you feel comfortable "hearing" or "receiving" verbally, then you may label me as "PA"; when you come with your "direct response" it very well could be that you misunderstood..simply because we are communicating without sensitivity for each other's experience repertoire (i.e., culture and experiences).

Could be that simple and not something pathological...

On the other hand, yes, PA does exist; personailty types exist. That's what makes a world. We need to bemore aware of people's communication styles so that we can be understand that their communication is "about them" and not "about us".

PA is always a bad thing because it is an indirect/cowardly way of manipulating or punishing someone. That is a whole different dynamic from adjusting certain aspects of your communication style to accommodate someone else's.

I am not so sure what you would term "passive aggressive" is always a bad thing. It is mostly perception based as are many behaviors depending on who you are dealing with, their personality and how to interact with them. People are all different obviously. Sometimes you need to be bold and direct and other times maybe stay quiet and listen. I think these labels of behavior are ridiculous and way too all encompassing. There is no clear cut way to satisfy "all the people all the time". Just be yourself and remember, "God gave us two ears and one mouth" for a reason.

So is it fair to say that these types are KNOW ALLS? People who have lived in a limited but supposedly more sophisticated environment maybe?

I know when someone is criticising me UNINVITEDLY (I have experienced it now a couple of times at this site in fact), and am strong and bold enough to challenge them when they try pulling it on, and I don't ask them to explain themselves, because I am too smart-wise to allow them a second chance to repeat such criticism in a reformed way. You are right in what you say.

My advice, based on my own experiences is to bite back immediately, put them back in their own places, and believe me, they very rarely come back for seconds, they learn their lesson quickly, and in a short period of time, I have found, such people move on, UNSATISFIED.

My ex was very PA/narcissistic. His PA wasn't verbal so much as it was in his actions towards me or lack of such. Then, when confronted, he would play dumb or accuse me of being nuts or oversensitive or whatever. It's the coward's way of "punishment" for perceived infractions or longstanding resentments. If I refused to play along he would then become verbally abusive. He was/is a very low form of life!

reading this post has helped me a bit. I was one that never wanted to just come out and say what I thought someone wanted to hear. I would sugar coat my thoughts in to words where I would try to let someone know I was unhappy without coming out and just saying "You did this.." and "You did that.. etc. I never looked at it as passive aggressive behavior as more so that I was trying to just be nice in how I handled situations.

But reading this has made me see that what I just need to do is say it directly in order to have it received correctly. most times I find that while I am tailoring my thoughts to another, I am more concerned about their passive aggressive behavior or insecurities more then anything; so I side step to try to get my point across.

This was a good read for me and glad you posted this.

I've suffered from 37 years of PA games with my mother-in-law. She's also a narcissistic, selfish, dictator. It's impossible to deal with PA people because, as you said, they always turn it around and make it seem like you are being mean to them. The PA narcissist has made an art out of manipulating conversations and people to make them seem like you are terrible to them and they are always the victim, when it's always the other way around. I have NEVER seen good advice on the subject. It's always, you won't change them so ignore them. Well, it's hard to ignore when someone has made a career out of ruining your life. The worst thing is that I think my mother-in-law is going to outlive me. Her mother outlived both of my parents.

When you mentioned parents I know what you meant. My parents feel as though they have to walk on egg shells sometimes around me, but I know what they are trying to say when they're doing their PA routine because I know the type of people they are. It infuriates me that they can't just come out and say what they mean, while at the same time, I'm both out spoken and PA. At times where I feel safe from physical harm I am very vocal whereas when I feel that my emotional and physical health are threatened I am quiet. I was born into a domestic violence household and so I know when to be quiet and when to be vocal. It just seems to be a natural part of my dna. It was a very interesting read and it put somethings into perspective for me. Thank you for posting it.

My husband is passive-aggressive ---- and too old to change. Laughing it off is my way of coping with it. It is sad that he is afraid of my reaction ---maybe if I had been gentler/kinder in my reactions, he could have been straightforward. Anyway --- would like to share this story: whenever he does something that I have asked him to do, but he doesn't feel like doing, he omplies BUT -- he sneezes. It is not just any old sneeze,however, it can shatter glass. There is a yell, a shout in it. I can hear it outside,even with the windows shut. So instead of the "bless you" I have started mumbling( to myself) "damn you" and worse. Well, he can't hear it -- and it makes me feel better. And of course, God does not listen to curses - so my husband ia safe. Ha!

My mother has accused me of being passive aggressive. But I feel like if I just said what I felt life would be a WHOLE lot more difficult. One example: "Um, no I don't really want to do yard work with you today." Trying telling THAT to my mother and you'd face sulking, a bad attitude, and harsh words, all day. Passive aggressiveness is a major coping tool for me. It saves and shelters me from a lot of pain and while I'll unwillingly do something that is asked of me I'll only be the one suffering. The task is getting done so what does it matter if I do it slowly or "grumpily" as she claims? I can't easily tell my mother how I really feel and I know that makes me a coward.

I am the reverse of PA -- I say what I think in plain words and only when it will advance the situation, at least generally speaking. (I have a bad habit of whining when I am stressed, and have asked my friends to point it out plainly when I do.) PA is the natural behaviour of socialists, as I am learning from living up here in Kanukistan; they cannot admit that things under socialism are not good because socialism is designed to operate that way -- so nobody gets what he or she needs but is larded with guilt as *disloyal* because s/he dares to complain -- and PA is the only way to respond if you dare not speak out.

This, I think, is why America will never be socialist -- because you cannot shut all of us up.

I agree that PA is infuriating and if it were made a mitigating circumstance in homicide, a lot of murderers would go free....

Passive aggressive people, never (come clean), my mother in law, almost 93 does the "I am just talking" or "I was just joking" routine. Being old is not a good excuse for hurting others feelings. I call her on her junk but she was always "just kidding". If she wants to go to her grave without any true friends then I feel sorry for her.

That is definitely me and I know it is something i have to work on. Thank you for putting this up for us to read. It enlightened me in a good way and helped me view somethings I might have neglected lately. I have been a funk and I think that is when my communication gets worse and I need to take a step back and look at the situations.

Passive Aggressive behavior destroys relationships. Amen Sister!

Wow, that was such a good read. I think I recognize this behavior in myself sometimes, unfortunately. I know the underlying cause is un-confronted hurt or bitterness (at least in my own experience), and I have wrestled with this type of behavior in myself at times and recognize it's destruction and wrong action. I didn't always recognize it, nor did I even know there was a name for it (ah ha, passive aggressive communication). Well, I can see the Lord is trying to show me something here, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us. "Being quick to listen and slow to speak" is a wise thing for me at this time...until I can learn to non-aggressively confront hurtful actions or words...with a forgiving heart. God bless you.