There are some people who seem to lead off every interaction with a complaint. You may ask a simple question of them such as, "How are you?" and you are bombarded by a list of woes - on a regular basis. Some people have simply learned to communicate this way and, depending upon your personality (whether or not you tend to be a fixer) you may or may not feel obliged to help them solve their problem in that moment. You may want to keep in mind that complaining doesn't always mean someone wants advice. In fact, many who chronically complain may be annoyed by your offering up solutions or trying to fix the problem.

This article does NOT refer to those who have genuine distress or chronic pain and who share that information with people but instead I am referring here to people who seem to have an easier time forming sentences into complaints than into any other type of expression.  Interacting with this type of person requires both patience and empathy but not always a solution. If the person that comes to mind when you hear this description is a loved one and someone with whom you have regular interactions then you may want to try just being a listener.

Often solving the problem right away (unless it is an obvious and easily solvable problem) takes away the very thing that person was using to connect to you. It can even lead to the expression of more complicated problems. Stop and ask yourself if the person's complaint is one you hear frequently from them or if it is something more acute. Before jumping to the rescue consider letting the person know that you hear them, maybe even reflect back to them what you have just heard, and then try moving on to a new topic.

In couples, complainers and fixers often find their way to each other. In this way everyone has their assigned roles and it can be very hard to dislodge people from those positions. Sometimes the dynamic is case specific. Do you ever notice that you complain more around some people than others? Start to notice if this is the case and why you may feel compelled to do so. Some people bring out the whiner in all of us because they seem so eager to be helpful and it does make most of us feel good to be helpful.

So before you get annoyed with that chronic complainer in your life, ask yourself if there is anything you are doing to encourage the behavior. Try not to be so quick with the solutions but offer instead a sympathetic ear. If you recognize the behavior in yourself, then consider holding back on complaints that don't really require assistance and search for new and better ways to connect with others.