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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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In the May 26th edition of the New York magazine, I read what I believe to be a somewhat sad article. It is entitled The Affairs of Men: The Trouble with Sex and Marriage. It discusses the differences between male and female sex drive and men's seeming inability to grasp the notion of a monogamous relationship.
The article provides pieces of information that have been ascertained through research such as the fact that 25% of American men commit adultery and 15% of American women do as well. Even if this is a low and underreported estimate, there are still many more people who honor a monogamous relationship.
The article does entertain both sides of the argument and interviews people with varying opinions, but, in general, it presumes that because of the innate need of men for sex and their desire to mix it up, or be with different women, they are simply unable to, well, keep it in their pants. The author, Philip Weiss, admits his own desire for sexual variety and how that has affected his marriage over the years. He even goes as far as to say that Europeans may be more evolved when it comes to marriage because they understand a man's need for variety and the women just accept this.
The more likely truth, and one that is also mentioned in the article, is that the women accept this because they have little choice and that it is, in fact, a painful reality for them. While I believe that this article does offer some empirical and substantiated facts, such as some of the research done at the Kinsey Institute, I feel that it is incredibly self- serving. Do married people cheat? Yes they do. Is it beyond their ability to control their cheating behavior because of a biological predisposition? No, I do not believe this notion for one minute. This is the difference between a civilized society and one that has no social norms or boundaries. These decisions are conscious choices. There are many different reasons for infidelity and, as I have mentioned in the past, it does not (and should not) be the reason a marriage ends. But despite what this article may state, there is a clear value to a monogamous relationship and, as with anything worthwhile, there are sacrifices that must be made in order to achieve the trust and intimacy that comes from years of being faithful and loyal to one another.
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I approached my wife in many ways, from accusing, to sensitive understanding, to "poking" her in the middle of the night. All have left a void, be it from my efforts or hers, where we still have sex perhaps once every 6-8 weeks.
When faced with this situation, many men (or women) dont hold out until the changes occur at home. Men stray more often, becasue we have a higher sex drive, perhaps. Why is it the high levels of testosterone that our mates found soo attractive when we met, now become our prison throughout life.
The reason it has become less socially accepted in America is due to the social norms and boundries you mentioned. While in other less socially uptight countries of the world (the ones with little concern for the nude form) a wife and a girlfriend are accepted, just like a husband and a bf. Thats life. Here we have tried desperately over the past 30 years to provide all of the equal playing fields for women, that our societal view of marriage has shifted to that of pure equality. Take a look at the desperate search by many to find their role in the marriage since we have made taken the traditional roles out of the marriage in place of gender neutrality.Look at the scvhools where there are more programs fopr little girls and our male youth is struggling to keep pace due to lack of administrational focus.
While I do think it is possible to want a monogamous realtionship, it is not always possbile to maintain that.
Again, thank you.