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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
FAST FACTS
With all the recent news about people shouting out inappropriately in public (think Serena Williams, Joe Wilson and Kanye West), it makes you wonder what has happened to our internal editing mechanisms. It seems like anything goes these days and while public figures are openly admonished for their outbursts there doesn't seem to be much of a deterrent for general rudeness. Thankfully, I think it is still a minority of people who leave the rest of us with our jaws hanging, wondering if we imagined the indiscretion or if it really happened, but the line seems to be getting moved further and further away from civility everyday and it has left many of us wondering if civility is dead or at least moving precipitously toward its demise.
I am certainly an advocate of free speech and freedom of expression, but have we really lost the ability to express ourselves without being rude? As Barak Obama asks, "Can't we disagree without being disagreeable?" I am not suggesting that we return to an era where people stood on formalities and the whole world was rated G but it seems to me that things have gotten a bit out of hand. Admittedly, I am from the era where Lucy and Ricky Ricardo slept in twin beds on television because that was the purity code of the time. That was just silly and even I knew that back then. But maybe, just maybe, the media has gone a bit too far in helping to desensitize our eardrums to foul language and rude behavior. It has long been known that the more we are exposed to something the more comfortable we become with its presence even if it is distasteful.
Even here on DS, amidst this wonderful supportive community, healthy and vigorous debate sometimes devolves into nasty personal attacks. I welcome differences of opinion, as do my colleagues here at DS, but when I write about something and it generates comments to me or other members on the site that are nothing more than ad hominem attacks, it is disheartening. The anonymity of the internet provides a safe haven for people to launch invective and anger and express themselves in a harsh way, without regard for the feelings or viewpoints of others, the very basis of civil discourse. There may be any number of psychological and personal reasons why people act inappropriately but, as the recent backlash in the media displays, society does not generally view these reasons as legitimate excuses.
There have been numerous news articles about the subject. P.M. Forni who heads the Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins University and is the author of The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude notes in an article in USA Today that "American society is among the most informal in the world, and often that informality crosses over into incivility. Now, you add the informality of the Internet to this culture, and all bets are off. It's an age of total disclosure and total expression, with very little concern for the feelings of others."
I throw it out there for discussion, but it seems to me to be a perfect storm of several components including: a growing attitude that what I want is what matters most which leads to selfish behavior; a general coarsening of societal norms attributable to numerous factors, key among them the media focus on self-absorbed celebrities and our society's fascination with them; and the immediate and often anonymous nature of discourse on the internet. The fact that there has been so much buzz around these recent celebrity outbursts may be an indication that there should be and is some soul-searching going on. Or have we already moved on, the discussion lost in the din of the latest news cycle?
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Displaying comments 52-33 of 52
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Saying the wrong thing at the wrong / right time I believe is really a matter of choice as to how you wish to be perceived at the time.
http://www.club-penguin.org/
They report the sensationalism to illuminate there own aganda thus promoting a hidden motives. I never really noticed this till I started traveling and was privey to watch and read lots of news.
The views on the enviroment or the worst right now. One side sells oil. The other side sells carbon credits. They both want to buy control with what they sell. And steal from the middle class.
God help us.
Very good points. Ironically, the people you mentioned above will probably go downn in history as having bipolar. It seems bipolar is the new "Catch All" explanation for rudeness which is infuriating.
The current generations do not have any refernce points to compare rude and acceptable behavior. Why? Because we have become lazy as parents. The problem is that everyone is so fearful of going against the norm that we go along with what everyone else is doing so we will be considered "Normal"- so we can fit in and not be marked as odd or weird.
Today if you spank your child or discipline them- you are considered abusive.Television has taken away a parent's position as authoritarian and leader of the household. We have nothing to support our position so the children get away with murder.
This is why I believe rude beahvior is becoming acceptable.
I hope I did'nt offend anyone, but I'm grateful for DS so we can share in our opinions and learn from one another!
Sheila
I was brutalized by an older sibling and I knew when I grew up I was not going to treat anyone the way I was treated.
I agree that manners and politeness seem to be a lost "requirement" for social interaction in the society in general. Gone are the days of Emily Post etiquette lectures and boy scout films with the message of helpfulness especially to seniors. The job of teaching manners to the young is not only with the parents, but also lies with schools, neighbors, coworkers, the media, etc. all working together. It takes a village tor raise a child. This idea seems to be lacking as does consequences for poor behavior. Exreme egocentric behavior is often rewarded with no consequences or admonishment for a lack of civility.
I myself always address others as sir and mame while in public followed by execuse me please. Others seem to appreciate it and I feel good about myself doing it.
I feel that not only this delaine in civility is only part of the total equation. Parenting if taking seriously, meaning, parents take their role seriously by putting parenting as nomber one as I have. I never expected others such as church teachers, school teachers or even grandparents to raise my 2 children. The way children are parented is the "root cause" of so many societal issues: civility is the beggining of the demise of socirty, then there is the increase in crime that is because too many parents are absent from their children; either becasue they put keeping up witht he Joneses first--having a bigger house and 3 vehicles in the garage and driveway (that children see this stuff and it's stuff and they think they can just get it without working for it),
and you have parents that are not physically absent from their childeren, but they do not spend qualtiy time with their children, not just when their babies and toddlers, but their whole growing up period that helps them learn who they should be in this world (like during Middle school years when they are beginning to feel some independence - they still needs boundaries given to them through HS adn beyond in order to learn how to act and treat others, if you don't have your children doing chorses for example, they expect everything is going to be given to them) and they never learn (1) how to get along with others whehter others are very similar to them or there are differences (look like each other, different races, diffrent religions, and socio economic differences, (2) responsibility for not just your actions, but the responsiblity you learn that you as a person makes a difference in the whole (society), and responsibility for earning money to pay for what you want (this starts, or can start as young as 3 yrs olf if you do it right), (3) holding them accountalbe for everything from their actions to their grades (there are consequences of your actions if you teach them this, by holding things back to teach them a lesson (no TV time, no computer time, no cell phones at the age of 8 and younger -waht a joke- I say no cell phones until their in the 8th grade personally, removing their driving priveledges, even when they are learning to drive, no letting their friends come over to play or spend the night, etc) and the other what we call peers in this plays a role (like teachers, extended family and neighborhood friends, and church family members) but they do not play the critical role, that role belongs to PARENTS! So we need to change the way peopel put off their parenting resposnisiblity to others - That is a grave misktake - that just perpetuates the overview that others are responsible for what ever happens in your life, not that you are resposnible for your own actions.
I know their are cultural isses, like TV, Music, etc. that play a role in the demise of how young people view themselvesd and the world, but even there you have as parents the upper hand in determining what they watch, what they listen to that affects their view.
I simple say get parents back to TRUE PARENTING and it will take a generation of two to make the differnece, but I still have faith that we as a country can get back on track only IF everyone takes respsonsibilitiy for their respective responsiblities in life!
Sheila
foorr over 10 years i hhhave been bbeing hurt bby trying to bbbee a mmorall aaand ethically ppperson and teacchher.
its ttttto a point wwhere i have lost faitth in justice aand eeducationalll sssystems . mmmany who hhhave power abuse it so badly and getting away wwith it aand ttthe media ddoesn't help.
wwhhhaaat happened to me i wouldnt waant it to happen to anyone else. and, i so badly want tto tell montel williams not only to help me but to let people see the terrible injustices done to ssome very ethical, generous, and dedicated people. and, it hurts so deeply when you knoow you are right and did nothing wrong and you keep getting hit from one side to another.
i gaave 100 % of myself to my students anddd we had sssuch a goodd raport together. , annd --- i cant write anymore right now
except to say by being moral and ethical and still trying to be- it has desstroyed my life and my story was never told and i haave all the documents, even tapes, pictures of my precious students and i was hurt for being goood.
i want to tell montel williams cause not only dddoes he understaand physoiical pain of as i have fibro but he would understand emotional side as well annd to read my over 300 pages of why not to suspend license never was read and i am being punished for nothing been disrespected, etc.
ain my situation the power has gone to their heads so badly no one shoould bbe hurt this way.
so much is hiden due to powwer as what happened tto me -- all i wanted was to be best matth teacher ever which i was practically their and to make math come alive for the students which i did. and, sheer jealousy too is bad in workplace.
in my case, someone like montel williams i really feel he could end my ongoing nightmare that i am having to live. i really feel he is my last hope. its haard to move on when you are constantly being hurt.
and things being covered up.
i don't want to see aaaanyone huurt as i hhhave been and still am. i aam ssorry iiiif i went off track.
i am overwhelmed by aall ttthhatt hhhas bbbeeen haappeninng tto me. .and by what i seee..
i wish that ppeople wouldt putt themselves in other peoples ssshoes before they would speak or remark sso as not to hurt anyone. iit may beless hurting.
This in may ways has contributed to the steady decline in the exercise of civility. True we all can sit back and blame the media, the worship of the altered body beautiful and the life of those that the media portray as having a 'celebrated' lifestyle. Alas, we all support this deranged portrayal, we buy thr products, we buy the publications, we watch the shows on tv and at the cinema. We have allowed values to drop or be come so egocentric, that vices have become virtues...so the 'media' plus us are guilty.
We cannot shake our collective heads and wail at the lack or non-existence of civility/ manners of the young. No there are many adults that are even less civil than our young. Many of us young and old neither have or have heard the words please and thank you. So we hav e to ask, why is this so?. The answer is simple and yet complex, they have not been taught the value of these words in the home. The family is still a micro reflection of our macro social order. So please, do not blame educators or the deranged egocentric media. Parents teach your children the need to be civilised, to use those words that will open many doors.
We all share this burden, we all have a responsibility and a duty to assure our future generations of the ability to act with civility .
To this may I add a further observation? The noticible decline of the use of 'Prudence' in our social interactions.
There is no debate about the media's role in this. Smarter people than I have tried to devise a way to stop it. It probably will never be done because of the preponderance of the populace who respond to that sort of media likes flies on garbage, if you will excuse the expression!
Lastly, I do not hide behind the internet screen. Therefore, my signature.
Richard J. Warren, PhD
Unfortunately all too often I find myself unable to stop myself from correcting people's bad behavior. Sometimes I observe people doing things that are totally unacceptable to me. When I speak-up and say that I don't approve of their rude or inconsiderate actions, I am labeled the rude person by them, as if speaking were the only way in which people are rude. Difficult people who seem to believe the rules of civility apply to everyone else but themselves really get under my skin.
A couple of weeks ago I was standing in line to pick-up previously purchased tickets for a sporting event. In spite of barriers being in place and signs indicating will-call in one line and purchasers in another line, everybody somehow was jammed into just one line. Not wanting to appear rude myself and creating a scene so I could get to the ticket window clearly marked will call more quickly, I went to the end of the existing line instead of pointing out to all the others in line that this was supposed to be two lines, not one.
Just as I was nearing my goal, a woman in front of me shoves the barrier aside and allows about ten people to get in front of me. I couldn't help myself. "Hey, there's a line here! Why can't you just go to the back like everyone else?" At which point one of the women in the offending group says, "Well we're all together in a group" as if that justified their barging in front of about 40 or so people including myself.
The upshot of this is one of this group proceeds to the window with the will-call sign over it and proceeds to initiate what is obviously a new purchase transaction for about 20 seats that they are insisting must be all together. There was only the one will-call window but 7 or so other windows clearly labeled purchase. What had started off as an event I had been looking forward to was marred at its very beginning by people believing their perceived needs/wants superseded everyone else's.
My dad had a saying for describing people behaving like this, "Big me, little you."
Nice article Cyndi.
One more thing.
Have you been reading the flame wars over at ZDNet News and Blogs too? There's nothing wilder, and I must admit at times entertaining, than techies getting bent out of shape over fleeting technology.
BTW, I'm on a campaign to get people to stop calling us "geeks." The term originated to label a particular type of circus sideshow performer engaging in disturbing acts like killing chickens by biting their heads off. Perhaps part of the problem is acceptance of such labeling, especially from people who are intimidated by technology or too lazy to understand it themselves and then believe, such belief once again being reinforced by advertising, real people need not be bothered with such things--their stuff should "just work." I urge trained, certified electronics technician and potential customers to refrain from engaging with a company that uses "geek" or "nerd" to describe or name their tech support or repair service. It dehumanizes and marginalizes the people doing such work. That is unless you're an Apple tech--then you're a "genius" working in an Apple store at their "Genius Bar." And thats condescending and/or facetious/sarcastic. It goes from one extreme to the other, doesn't it? I have no problem being called a technician even though I think of myself as an artist. LOL ;)