A member wrote asking when to call it quits in her efforts to reconcile with her husband. Her attempts at finding a couple’s therapist, her husband’s lack of motivation to pursue counseling, and his "jealous and suspicious" behavior have made her question the point of trying any longer.

There's no easy answer but I want to stress that no one on the outside can tell you when your marriage is truly over. That is a personal decision and one that should be considered carefully. What I can tell you is, that is it extremely difficult to reconcile after a separation without outside intervention. Typically the problems that separated you in the first place will resurface and you will be back in a combative situation. From the little information the member provided about her husband, it sounds as if there are some severe issues with power and control at play. Accusing your mate of affairs or inappropriate relationships outside the marriage, when there doesn’t seem to be any justification for it, can be a sign of possessiveness and even potential abuse.

My suggestion would be to get into her own therapy and explore some of these issues. If the issues of power and control have always been present in the relationship then this member should continue to seek counseling until she has a better awareness of the dynamic. It may be that this jealous behavior by her husband is a new development. She needs to clarify her role in the relationship and her desire to reunite with her husband. It sounds, from her question, as though they are both conflicted about whether or not this marriage is over so, ideally, the two of them should get into a marriage counselor’s office together and hash out the issues. Technically the marriage is over when the divorce is final. Emotionally it is much less clear when a marriage, let alone any committed relationship is truly over.

Cyndi