A Daily Strength member asked me to address the issue of how to recognize when it is time to end a relationship. The member wanted information that would help to identify when it is time to move on from romantic and platonic relationships. I wish there were a simple check list I could provide in response to this question, but it is a complicated one and one that requires an individual to think long and hard before making any drastic decisions. Loss is never easy and ending a relationship, whether romantic or a long term meaningful friendship is a painful endeavor. Some people consistently stay in unhealthy relationships way too long and those individuals need to embark on some self-exploration to break that negative pattern.

Couples often come to my office with this very same question in mind. It is not uncommon for me to hear a couple, whose relationship is in distress, ask if it is over and how do they know when to stop trying? Most "trying" that occurs before coming into a therapist's office consists of waiting for the problems to go away. This is not to say that all couples are ill equipped to manage the challenges in their relationship but it is not always an intuitive skill. It is one of the reasons I feel strongly that people should enter premarital counseling prior to making a serious commitment even if they feel their relationship is excellent.

Everyone has their own personal line in the sand - the things that a mate does or does not do that are deal breakers. Determining what that line is and why you have placed it there is an important part of anyone's journey to find a mate. The obvious line for many is abuse but then there are different types of abuse and that line can get very blurry. I can tell you that, as a therapist, I will not see a couple in my office together if there is current physical abuse and that is one of my therapeutic lines. I don't believe that any discussion or processing can make up for one person asserting physical power over another. This is a very common stance in the therapeutic community among clinicians who specialize in couples.

There are so many romantic notions of what a relationship should look like that when the reality falls short of those ideals people often check out. In my opinion, people frequently move on too quickly. Then there is the other side of that coin or what has been termed codependence. There are many definitions of codependence but a simple interpretation is when one partner waits for the other to change, is continuously hopeful that the change will occur, and it never does. There is a codependent relationship between the nurturer and the one that needs to be cared for. We see this frequently in partners of addicts and people who struggle with mental health issues. The repeated attempts to help or accommodate their mate become all consuming. Often outside intervention is needed in these cases to help both people go their separate ways.

As much of an optimist as I am I recognize that not all relationships can be saved and some are better terminated. When both people, whether romantically involved or in a close friendship consistently hurt one another, when the happiness factor in the dynamic is greatly outweighed by the pain and suffering and (this is an important one) one or both people are unwilling to make profound changes to remedy to situation then more than likely it is probably time to move on.