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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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How Should a Child Report Sexual Abuse?
An adult site member sent me a message asking me to address the issue of how a child tells a parent that they are being sexually abused. It is always disturbing to hear about an incidence of child abuse and the long term negative effects of this type of abuse can be heard loudly in the voices of the adult survivors.
In an ideal world children would feel comfortable going to their parents with this kind of information (In an ideal world this type of thing would never happen). Unfortunately there are many variables that go into whether or not a child feels safe confiding in a parent. The abuser may in fact be a parent or a step parent and telling the non-offending parent may be difficult because of the fear of not being believed or of destroying the family image. There may be threats by the abuser about the repercussions of "telling" and there may be shame and even guilt around the events. In some cases, there may be realistic concerns about safety if a child brings this terrible crime to light as the abuser may also be a batterer and the child feels as though they have the responsibility to protect everyone from this person.
If at all possible and safe a child needs to find a way to talk to a trusted parent about what they are going through. It is important that they recognize that nothing they did or said (or wore) provoked the behavior - even if this is what they have been told by the abuser. They need to see themselves as the "victim" of a crime and the abuser as a criminal, which can be incredibly difficult when the abuser is a parent or parent figure.
If telling a parent is not an option then there are others that can be helpful in these situations. The child should look for a teacher, school counselor, doctor, relative or family friend to confide in and ask for help. These people can also be instrumental in helping the child to share this information with the non-offending parent.
In the case of the DS member the abuse took place years ago and it sounds as though she is only now seriously considering sharing this information with a parent. It doesn't matter how long ago the offense occurred, or that she has kept this secret for so many years, the truth, in a safe environment, is the best option. I would encourage anyone struggling with this to talk to a therapist and to consider bringing the parent into session to disclose this information. Secrets hold a great deal of power and, while there will be fallout from this disclosure; the information needs to be shared in order for the healing to begin.
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The next day, I take a tape recorder, and start talking to her again. The story is about 50% different. The new version has Granma seeing him, and telling him "NO! Put your pants on NOW!". I happen to know that that's what they tell the boy who lives there, and who is 2 1/2. I'm sure she's heard Granma tell the boy that. The room in which the 'incident' is happening is different today, today it's kitchen, very unlikely. Everything is different today. So I conclude that she was probably relating the story of what happened with the little boy, as if it happeed to Granpa. But if I ask directly, she is adamant it was Granpa. And again, I KNOW, from hard experience, that she is unreliable, and at barely 3yo, that's normal.
Then, I rewind the tape to listen to it later in the day, and on the second listen, I notice that we are chatting fine, but whenever I press for a detail, she pulls away, so to speak, and stops talking, changes subject etc, pretty consistently. So then I panic, thinking maybe she's telling the truth. Then again, if she's making stuff up, maybe she can't keep track of her story? But at 3, can she even keep trac of not keeping track? It makes more sense that she's embarassed about the event. But then again, there are so many leads in her story connecting to benign, borrowed details. You can't wonder what's more likely, you sit and wonder what is less improbable.
This was a no-brainer, we put her in daycare. Granma and Granpa were traveling in two weeks anyway, we gave a bogus excuse. We didn't tell them anything, but we told their son, just in case, as his son was living with them too. My daughter didn't seem traumatized in the least, and she is not likely to remember this (if it's really not traumatizing). I don't know what happened, if anything. It's impossible to know. This seemed like a satisfactory solutions for us.
But what if Granma and Granpa were her real and only grandparents? BTW, other than this, they cared for her much better than any other daycare or sitters we've seen. They spent a lot of one-on-one time with her, fun and teaching, cooked good food for scratch for her, took her out every day no matter the weather... My friend pais $30K for a nanny, and she doesn't gett all that for her son. (and we don't have anywhere close to $30K) I mean they gave her care money can't buy, and we can't find that again, unfortunately. So what if it's not a no-brainer? What when it's family?
BTW, I am also a sexual abuse survivor. So I'm sitting here asking myself: "Am I taking this too lightly?" or "Am I jumping the gun because of my experience?" "How should I react?" "Should I tell the daycare?" (I don't see what good would come of that, but at the moment you want to protect your child in any way possible, and it's hard to think on your feet.)
Danny was in his late 30's and I was 9 when he began molesting me. I was just beginning to get breasts. He touched me and made me touch him. And then every time I had to be at my grandmothers, I tried to be careful not to be alone with him, but sometimes he found me anyway. I don't know why I didn't tell then. I think I had a sense that he was a grown up and if I told I would get into trouble.
My mother's reaction what that I was a liar. And when she asked other people in the family if there was a possibility, they told my mother that Danny had been gay. So I was branded a liar.
My mother died several months ago, and we hadn't spoken in years. My cousin, Maureen, suddenly contacted me. Maureen was a year younger and she actually lived at my grandmother's house for period of time. She began describing having to get into counseling because Danny has also molested her. I don't have a solution, only alot of pain. I don't care what one of children tell me or when, I will believe them.