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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management. She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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Don’t Underestimate the Importance of Touch
Very often I see someone in my office that I would say is starved for human contact- specifically touch. They may be single, in a relationship or even married. There is a great deal of research indicating that something as simple as holding hands or a back rub can decrease anxiety and even lesson anxiety related physical disorders.
Couples often become distant and forget to kiss each other hello and good-bye or to hold hands. I will typically query the couples I see about how much physical contact they actually have with one another and more often than not find that couples in crisis have stopped the simple everyday kind of touch that is crucial to a relationship. Please keep in mind that I am not referring to sex (that is a different blog) but to the simple familiar caresses that occur between individuals.
When training volunteers for service in nursing homes people are instructed to hold hands (when appropriate) and even do gentle shoulder massage. Too often elderly people go without touch if they live far away from family or if their loved ones are not demonstrative. There are noticeable changes in mood and even health when they have exposure to simple human kindness in the form of touch.
People have different levels of comfort with public displays of affection which is usually the result of their experience in their family of origin and/or their feelings about their own body. I do not recommend that people put themselves in an uncomfortable situation but instead try to be aware of what it feels like when someone gives you a hug or when your partner does something as simple as put his or her arm around you.
From the very moment we are born we crave touch. It is the beginning of how we build self-esteem and how we begin to understand feelings of attachment. Children want to be held for comfort, to feel safe, and to know they are loved. Even adults show increased self-esteem when they have regular physical contact (again, in this article I am referring to non-sexual contact) with another trusted person. Touching is a way to increase intimacy and can be extremely grounding.
Try to be aware of your own desires and behaviors around touch. Talk to your partner about the subject and, if you feel it is something lacking in your life, make an effort to change. Spontaneously hold hands with your mate or give a hug that lasts longer than usual. Try to make sure that you have some sort of physical contact every day. You may be surprised by the positive results you will see from this type of change.
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In response to a couple of you who said what if there isnt a spouse or bf there is always others that can give us the touch we need sometimes though we just have to ask for it rather than wait for it to arrive.
Who do you hold hands with then? or touch at all?
I really feel this is lacking in my life and would make a difference in my life.
I don't ever meet men.
We could lay on the bed next to each other and watch T.V. and he wouldn't even touch me.
He said I required more than other women in that department.
I swear there were times he didn't kiss me a litle light peck on the cheek for 3 days.
He actually had me thinking something was wrong with me.
The only people I have regular contact with are health professionals and my social worker who arent allowed to have relationships with their clients, or to encourage you to think they are your 'friend' in any way. So it gets very lonely. Luckily I have a dog who is always willing to have a cuddle! But i do miss human companionship and just been able to 'chat' to anyone.
I wouldnt have any support if i didnt have internet and accessible program to enable me to access a computer to be able to get onto this site and another support group I am in for people with my condition.
I work closely with talk therapist in my community to help people reconnect with their bodies and reduce their stress and anixety through touch. Many past tramuas are held in our bodies, and just like the mind they need to be released for deeper healing. So thanks for the reminder!
of people. My attitude is summed up by what Basil Fawlty told a nurse on an episode of "Fawlty Towers":
"Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been." :)
After some of the things I went through a few years ago that wrecked my life and eventually also left me with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I craved touch, yet at the same time was terribly phobic and anxious about it. I literally did not leave my house in part for fear I might accidentally brush by someone. Even worse, be approached by someone I knew who might want to hug me. It was a living hell. I'm doing better now, but I can say that the deprivation of touch is a terrible thing and if at all possible, people should pursue at least strong friendships so they can satisfy those emotional contact needs.