Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross
Marriage and Family Therapist
Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
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Domestic Violence: Why (Some) Women Stay – Part 3
22
Posted in Anger Managemen... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Mar 21, 2009

 


This series has obviously sparked a great deal of emotion, and anyone who has been in a violent relationship knows all too well that the emotional scars left by the abuse can last a lifetime. Once again, thank you for sharing your stories and offering support to those who are currently experiencing these horrors.


In my work with women who were in Domestic Violence relationships I saw a number of different reasons why some women cannot seem to pull themselves away from their batterer. In the majority of cases the relationships started out, as most relationships, with attraction, connection and eventually love (or what looks like love). Some women become dependent upon their mate emotionally and financially and feel at a loss for how to take care of themselves and possibly their children. They may not have the resources or support system to help them in their leaving. Others become terrified of leaving because of their batterer's threats of the repercussions of that course of action.  They literally (and very realistically) fear for their lives.   Most batterers are very skilled at isolating their mate from their family and friends. If the abuse has been going on for years often the support system has fallen away due to frustration or disappointment in the victim's ability to follow through with plans to leave the relationship. Friends and even family feel helpless and can't tolerate being around the couple (even if the relationship looks good in public) with the knowledge of the abuse.


As one DS member commented, the abuse can sometimes come on slowly and not until it has been happening at a low level for a long time is it even recognized, at which point it becomes very difficult to extract oneself from the dynamic. It is often explained using the metaphor of the frog in boiling water: If you drop a frog into boiling water it will quickly leap out. If you place a frog in nice cozy warm water and slowly heat it up it will boil to death because by the time it knows it is in peril it is too late.


Then there is the question of who becomes involved in these abusive relationships in the first place? The following information is by no means a way to blame the victim and I want to make that blatantly clear, but it is important information if we are to understand the entire awful truth about Domestic Violence.  Many of these women do come from abusive homes and they learn to associate love and connection with violence and control. Many have mental health and or substance abuse issues of their own that impair their ability to make sound judgments. Most, if not all, have relatively low self-esteem prior to entering the relationship and the relationship only serves to reinforce their negative beliefs about themselves. Another type of personality we often see in the victim is the caretaker or what has become known as "co-dependent". These are women who see the pain in their batterer, who accept their excuses and who believe wholeheartedly that their abuser will change.  They are usually fairly convinced that if they just love their batterer enough and get him help that everything will be different. They fall for the line, "it won't happen again" because they desperately want to believe it.


While leaving is a crucial and obvious step in the recovery of a victim of Domestic Violence, it is only the beginning. The idea that the problem lies solely with the batterer and that once they are out of the abusive relationship they will be free is sadly mistaken. These women need a great deal of counseling and rehabilitation of their own and without this the chances of them entering into another abusive relationship is extremely high.  In most cases it is pretty much a guarantee.


It is true that there are NO valid reasons why anyone should perpetrate abuse onto another individual but there do seem to be women, such as those I have mentioned above, who are more susceptible to physical abuse. Most women have a very clear line in the sand when it comes to physical abuse and the moment it occurs they will leave. Emotional abuse, which can be equally if not more damaging, is much more subtle and harder to recognize initially.  This type of abuse is much more common because it can exist on its own while physical abuse is always accompanied by emotional abuse of some sort.


The first step for many women in this situation is to recognize the danger they are in and to reach out for help. Some women find it easier to call a hotline, or speak to a DV counselor than going to a friend or family member.  For those individuals who are currently in a Domestic Violence relationship please remember that regardless of the reasons someone is abusive and despite your own reasons for wanting to remain in the relationship the very best thing you can do is to find a safe way to get away from your batterer. No matter how bad or wrong you feel there is nothing you have said or done to give anyone the right to hurt you. Convincing a victim that they are not somehow deserving of the abuse is often a tremendous challenge.


As I mention in Part 2, Domestic Violence can find both males and females as the victim and I want o mention here that it occurs across both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. No group is immune to this terrible occurrence. I sincerely hope that if you have been following this series and are someone in an abusive situation you will grab this opportunity to take a first step towards a better life.  Below are some numbers to help you get started.



 


 


 


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Displaying comments 22-3 of 22
22
DV (and other forms of violence) is a horrific thing. Every year since being at my current school I have attended Take Back The Night (TBTN) and this past year I was able to speak at this event about my own personal experience with some horrific violence, domestic violence being one of them. I had no clue what was going on while I was in the sitaution. Years later (I was in this situation when I was 23 and 24), I still tend to blame myself for what all happened but I know without a shadow of the doubt that it wasn't my fault. I am now in counseling to be able to heal and get stronger. I agree with Cyndi, if there is anyone who is in that situation now, I hope they realize they do NOT deserve to be treated that way and that it's worth leaving and seeking help. The first step is always the hardest but in the end it's the most rewarding.
By Willingtobefree  May 29, 2009
21
From my experience, I was in an abusive marriage for 17+ years, my ex would always put the blame on me when he hit me, to the point where I belived it was all my fault he hit me.. I've now know it was'nt my fault, it was his, I was scared of him..I finaly came to the end, when he kicked my daughter, then 13, around like a football. I told him to go. she was admitted into hospital with broken ribs and badly bruised everywhere, I had a blackeye for sticking up for her, me & my daughter looked like we had been in a car wreck..12 years later I know if I would have let it carry on, either me or my daughter would not be here.. Its made me stronger,Ive had 2 brain tumours removed in the last 4 years, which I blame my ex constant blows to the head.. but in the end I know I've escaped.....
By slr49  Mar 25, 2009
20
It is hard when the abuse is private and so subtle with emotional and verbal abuse, and when the outside world sees a positive role model in the abuser.
By Loved1  Mar 24, 2009
19
From my own experience, i know
that there is alot of fear to leave the relationship. not just fear of hte abuser but just plain fear because you have been so convinced that you are unable and that you will fail. the self confidence is totally gone. acatually it really depends on how long you have been in the abusive relationship as to how much confidence you have in yourself. it you are a woman who was raised with abuse in their childhood and then went out and find a man to take that place in their lives, then was there for awhile it takes alot longer to get the confidence back. but you can get it back, yes you CAN and then you need to learn how to live without that before you can ever have a healthy relationship. because it may not be realised until you take the steps for recovery that enabling is all part of the game. Accept God into your life and it is alot easier.
By juliecrawford  Mar 24, 2009
18
And each time I was threatened with jail if I did not cooperate. I did no wrong, there was no reason on my part for this to have happened to me. I was a woman traveling alone and this made me a target, yet there is nothing that can be done about this. I stopped making this trip because of the abuse I endured from the police departments and I will not be able to go back home to new orleans and I cannot get out of Arkansas fast enough! All this after a life filled with abuse and loosing everything from the storm, getting no help from our gov. because I was a renter and three and a half years later I am still struggling to survive and still searching for a new place to settle and find some kind of a normal life.
By desrtrse  Mar 24, 2009
17
strangejane,
I am so sorry for what you had to endure. This is the very thing I am talking about when I say we have not come far when it comes to women's rights. I too have been abused by police, body and car searched and my car towed while my animals were stuck in it with no air conditioning. I was basically bullied by a cop who had nothing better to do and again by 2 cops who searched me, my luggage, and my car on the side of the highway. They would not tell me why they were doing this and there were no charges or tickets issued to me. This happened to me twice during my trips down to my hometown New Orleans to work at a women's shelter after hurricaine Katrina. Once was in Arkansas, and once was in McComb Louisiana. When I spoke with a lawyer about my rights she basically said that I have no chance of a case on any of this. It evidently happens all the time and when a woman is up against the police department there is only more abuse inflicted in the process and nothing would be done. Women in America are not free citizens and are at the mercy of the patriarcial system just like in other countries around the world.
By desrtrse  Mar 24, 2009
16
I could really relate to Comment 3 about physical energy being so messed up by the situation and having children that I could not just run off and leave the home I had mostly paid for since my husband was drinking up a lot of his salary. My office and work was in my home. My long but eventually successful strategy was to fix the existing situation.

Reading the article I realize that my mother trained me to be a caretaking codependent. Her trauma was having a sickly baby sister at age 2 who absorbed most of her mother's energy. At first my husband and I shared our common unhappy experiences and he was on a big sober. After 2 years of marriage he started drinking a little and it gradually escallated to problem drinking, although he never missed work. Several street attacks triggered strong PTSD reactions from his Korean War trauma, and I became more afraid. I also developed the feeling that my life and those of the children might be at risk if I left him. Not when sober, but if he was drinking.

I discovered therapeutic nutrition and megavitamin therapy and began to apply it to us. I felt healthier, and his drinking decreased significantly, but it gradually increased again. Then a friend dropped the book "The Primal Scream" by Arthur Janov in my living room. I started to read it and realized I needed to do this because I had so much feeling locked inside me it was draining my health and energy. Eventually I also persuaded him to start doing this as well. One day he relived and remembered a time at his birth when the nurses had left a hot water bottle against his leg which left a burn mark we could still see. For him feelings of abandonment were lifethreatening. I think if I had left him the results could have been very dangerous. In 1991, as I was putting together an intervention, a friend took him to an AA meeting. He faithfully did his 90 and 90. He never was drunk again, and attending meetings regularly until the Alzheimers he developed became too severe. He died three years ago, and I am now with a man I love dearly. I still see a pattern of caretaking as this man was severely abused as a child, but he has and is taking total responsibility for his healing, so our sharing is very clear and supportive.

Somewhere along the line I realized that my husband suffered from severe survivor guilt because so many of the kids he grew up with were killed in Korea. Also during feeling therapy he relived a black man dying in his arms after his guts were blown out by a mortar. One of the things we shared was a strong interest in equal rights. He relived bayonetting a young Chinese Communist soldier in combat. This happened when our son reached the same age as the young soldier. His guilt at killing someone's son was horrific. I realized that he felt he had no right to have a good life, so was doing his best to destroy ours. Eventually he realized it as well.
By PTSDwidow  Mar 24, 2009
15
I understand this fully. I myself kinda "woke up" one day and said "why do I allow this to happen? Why do I allow him to hurt me and talk to me like this?" I took another year for me to leave him. By the time it was all said and done, I'd gone through 4 years of it. To this day, I still cringe when he's angry, even though he's a rare one that was able to change after we split, and we're friends. It's just a programmed response to years of hell.
By CantBeBroken  Mar 24, 2009
14
In some ways I am not sure what to say here. I have been in a very abusive relationship with my daughters mom which was physical and mental. We have been apart now for roughly 6+ years and it is wierd because the attraction is still there for both of us. I struggle with this because I know we've given each other endless amount of heart break/ache. We have come short of killing each other some times, but it pains me because she recently asked me for the opportunity to pose with her in a pic for our daughter. I have no problem with this as there are very few pics of us together, and now that we are civil with one another, I see no reason not to. What hurts was seeing her again because i know that the love/lust is still there, but i can't & won't react. I've almost killed this woman, but when i see her it feels like a drug. I feel the need to be around her, almost as if i am doing drugs again. I can not, nor will not because I have enough demons. I can not be the person i once was.
By Bruiser  Mar 24, 2009
13
I was in an extremely abusive relationship in my early twenties. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant when i was beaten so badly that I miscarried my baby. I got out of the relationship and "moved on" with life. I think one of the most important things that people need to know is the importance of counseling and support groups AFTER leaving an abusive relationship. That seems to get downplayed so often in our society. I never dealt with the trauma of the abuse, and the loss of my daughter until several years later, and unfortunately, it caused a lot of problems for me. I had to face what happened to me shortly after giving birth to my son seven years later. Everything I had repressed came bubbling to the surface and has caused many emotional problems for me now. Had I known just how important it was to talk about what happend to me, and to have the emotional support of my mourning, not only for my child, but for th eloss of who I was, I don't think things would be so difficult now. It is a horrible thing when you are being abused or even witnessing abuse, but its even worse if you don't seek the support you need to deal with all of the emotions that come with it. I encourage any one that is a victim of abuse to get otu of the relationship, money can be re-earned, new houses bought, but a life cannot be replaced, and more importantly, please talk to people about what you are feeling. I don't want another person to ever go through the resurgance of emotions because they were nto dealt with.
By lainey78  Mar 24, 2009
12
When I was 6 months pregnant I was being beaten very badly. Toward the end he had thrown me down on top of my cat I thought I was killing by the sounds she mad and he held my cheeks into my teeth until they bled from my teeth and shook my head to make me nod that I would not tell the police. When he got off, I fled for the front door and called 911 from a nearby Country Kitchen. When the cops got there they told me to get in the squad car without questioning me. I was crying and a bit hysterical. They questioned the man who told them I had had an abortion and he was justly beating me. I had not nor have ever ha an abortion but that is still no reason to beat a woman. He was built like a prowrestler. They arrested me, and had me strip in a huge cement room while they watched through a big window with mic. A woman cop exclaimed,"Oh, you REALLY ARE pregnant!" I am a slender and extremely tall woman who was wearing baggy clothes but standing there naked, the baby growing was extremely obvious. And whether tall or not, I do not have super strenght merely height. Also, I am not tht strong. Anyways, I got to the holding cell where I hurt but bruises were only starting to form and I bled and was scared of HIV because on the wall,"HELP ME" was written by someone else in blood. They did not feed me because I had missed dinner, but a guard gave me his half eaten lunch becasue they now knew I was heavily pregnant and I was the one that called 911 but I still was not released. I was to sleep on the floor because of overcrowding, but I was bailed out by my church. They brought me to my apt, and when I got inside the man who beat me was inside my apt, and he said,"THAT wil teach you not to call the cops, NO ONE messes with me." an,"Snitches like to sleep in ditches." I had to pay a fine. I could not call the police after that. A domestic violence shelter helped me move, but recently the judge there told me I had no right to leave him.
By strangejane  Mar 23, 2009
11
I just recently left a domestic violence situation and I must say that the shelter I am staying at is helping me to get on my feet. They are very supportive and I would say to any woman out there reading this, if you are afraid of standing up and reaching out on your own, call a dv shelter for women. They do help :)
By LilyMaid  Mar 23, 2009
10
One would think that in such a "modern" world we would not still have this "secret life" of abuse still going on. We have really not come so far when it is the concerns and abuse of women. This is what makes me angry the most.
By desrtrse  Mar 23, 2009
9
I've been married to the same man for 35 years. We adopted several children after our older ones left home and my husband started to strike our children when he was/is angry. It started when he literally attacked our oldest daughter while she and I were having breakfast and a lively discussion with a lot of give and take. For some reason, my husband misinterpreted my daughter's part of the conversation and suddenly lunged across the table and tried to grab her while yelling at her. She bolted and he chased her down and spanked her. She was 26 at the time.

In the intervening 4 years he has resorted to striking the younger children (one blow per occurrence) every 1-3 months in anger, over discipline issues. Three months ago he, for the first time, he pushed me, and hard enough that I fell backwards hitting the bed and getting some bruises. I called 911 and the police came and as a result, our county as provided us with a family counselor. She's been coming for 18 weeks.

Then yesterday, my husband was backing out of the garage, and our 12 year old daughter retorted to something he said and he slammed on the brakes, punched her in the forearm with his fist and told her to get out of the car.

I know this is domestic violence. If I call the police, they said he'd be going to jail, no questions asked. I'm sure his employer would fire him if this happened. We are already walking a fine financial line. I don't understand why a man in the same relationship for so many years would suddenly start to use violence to vent his anger and frustration. Can you explain this?

I am definitely going to tell our counselor about the most recent assault on our daughter. I'm tempted to ask him to move out, but the kids, being adopted as 3 year olds, get so anxious and fearful whenever they've overheard us fighting about his behavior and the repercussions, like divorce (discussed briefly) or separation.

This whole thing is tearing us apart emotionally, and I'm speaking of the children and I and I just don't know what to do. We just relocated for the first time in 30 years, so do not have family close by or any place to relocate to without loosing the house we bought a year ago.

Thank you for any input you have the time to give me. I know you receive hundreds if not thousands of posts. This last segment of your series just really hit home and aligned with some of the thoughts I've been having about what to do next.
By WiredSimon  Mar 23, 2009
8
I was in an abusive relationship before, i started going to na when it became physically abusive. i have to tell you, it was difficult. the abuser himself or herself, have the spouce well trained psycholgically, emotionally and every which way they have to train to have the control. it is and it was a scary time of my life, but now years later when i am a stornger person and confident in myself it would be easy. i actually would not be involved with that type of person, do not have that lifestyle, and have become a christian where the only one that i answer to is our God. Now years later when I am trying to have a relationship i have to learn how, it amazes me how well the abusive one had me trainied so that i would enable him continually, because now that i am having a good healthy relationship in Christ, i have to work at not being the person that i was then! i guess the recovery applies to every sityation in my life, with or without the abuser.
In His name forever more, Julie
By juliecrawford  Mar 23, 2009
7
I have my best friend who is having an affair with a man who is abusing her. she always goes make to him I wont have anything to do with her if hes with her . I know it hurts her feelings but I cant help it. is this wrong confused
By vangogh  Mar 23, 2009
6
just wanted to say that i was not directly involved in a so called "domestic violence act" but was an innocent bystander. I was just a child while I watched my mother repeatedly get beat up by my drunk stepfather.(Smothered by a pillow and having a gun to her head!) This went on until I was a teenager, I am now 40 years old and have a great husband, but I am an alcoholic. How did this happen and why to me? I always hid in my room while the abuse was going on, is this payback for being a coward?
By sledgerock  Mar 22, 2009
5
I completely agree with what is said here. I mentioned in part 2 that I feel like a magnet for abusers. What I know is that living in a home where I was abused both directly and passively I went out into the world not knowing anything and have had to learn the hard way. I was in relationships where the abuse was not clear to me until it escalated into horrible violence and continued at that level for a while until I realized that there was nothing I could do to change it. Unfortunately I had been isolated and "robbed" of everything I had and felt helpless and alone. When I started talking to friends they did not believe me because the person I was with was well respected. The truth is that she was manipulating everyone, abusing everyone and pretending to be a "savior". So she has a "cult" following and I had no chance of getting help from "friends", there were only 2 or 3 I was "allowed" to speak with. I was in a homosexual relationship in a society who calls us sinners and does not accept that women can be such violent abusers. I had nothing, no job, immune system impaired and had no where to go. This person I was with is the sick one. I now know that she is borderline personality, sociopathic, pathological liar and lots more.After years of trying to get her help I realized that she did not want help, she did not want to change, and she blames everyone else for her not getting what she wants. She uses other people to basically live off of and she is a complete control obsessive, maniac. I am still struggling to survive and she is not completely out of my life dispite my attempts to rid myself of her completely. I have a business that is my only income which runs off of grants we get thorugh the non profit we share. I do not live with her any longer and I have set very clear boundaries and do not allow her to use me, abuse me or anything else. I understand that there is still some abuse going on because I have to live constantly on guard and this gives her some control. At my age, with no family to help me, no pension, no savingings and not even a home I have to stay in this situation until I can find another way. Finding another way is pretty much hopeless with no support and no financial help. If I go to a shelter, I loose what little I do have and I am too old to get hired in a job that I could live on. I try not to beat myself up for getting into this situation but I know that my foundation was not good, I was not taught how to get on in this world in a healthy manner and now I am too old to have the opportunities to find the life that I know I could have if I had only known sooner what I know now. I try not to feel hopelessly lost and alone but that is mostly the feeling I fight everyday.
By desrtrse  Mar 22, 2009
4
Thank you for the entailling articles. I give HOPE to all that want to leave an abusive relationship ( wheather physical or emotional ) Most of all BELIEVE IN YOURSELF that you can leave and have a better live. It doesen't have to be perfect.
For me I left in 1977 with clothes in the trunk and my 2 little daughters 3 & 6 in the back seat. It was tough and went through many tough times. The important thing is I never went back !!.I gave up my HOUSE. I gained my life I did't want to be carried out in a body bag and my daughters to not have a Mom.
Today I am retired, own my own home have 2 great daughters and 3 grandchildren.
Where did I believe that I had to endure that abuse for 6 yrs. Growing up and being told I was always wrong. Never being heard or acknowledged for who I was. I had great marks and did well in school. Never acknowledged that to me.
I truly believe that. I step at a time a day at a time we will get through what we need to get through.
Unfortunately or fortunately my older daughter married an emotional abuser not his hands his voice and his bullying. This past Feb... she decided " I am not living this as an adult or have my children go through anymore of this, " She had my son-in-law physically removed from the house. He had barracaded himself in the livingroom with knives !! He doesn't think this is domestic violence.
Thanks for allowing me to be part of this . I am a survivor today in a loving relationship.
I believe in myself most days ... its a journey not a destination
By lalawatt  Mar 22, 2009
3
I have been married for twenty years. I came from a violent, sadistic family where I was sexually abused and my pets were killed in front of me- beheaded.
My husband has twice in our marriage tried and failed to stray and listened to his family and friends that because I am Bipolar he is stuck with a loser. He has been emotionally abusive. -I did not know this for years. I looked up a list of signs and check there it was. He is now working on himself. I too, am standing up more for myself.
I can not leave because I can not hold a job and I have two children, both Bipolar, one with Asperger's. I have tried to go to college and tried to work, but I fall apart. It is, I finally realized, repercussions from years of family and spousal degradation. So, I am going to get Judith Herman's new book on cognitive therapy as therapy has never worked for me and we can not afford it anymore.
That is my story. Before someone looks down on one in my situation they should put their feet in my shoes.
By Lain2  Mar 22, 2009
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