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Wow. I just read all the comments from part 1 and I am deeply saddened and enraged at the ignorance displayed in these people's words.

I was abused as a child by my older brother. Not only did my mother not do anything to protect me, she allowed me to be emotionally, verbally and physically abused CONSTANTLY in her presence. My brother even attacked me with a knife and I have defensive wound scars on my palms to prove it. He would tie me up to a support pole in our basement and torture me until I passed out. He once tied me to a tree and set a bonfire at my feet and threatened to burn my hair off. My little sister was encouraged to abuse me as well. I have no hard feelings against her, however, because she was two years younger than me and must have been terrified that she too would be abused if she refuse to co-operate with my abuser.

When I was 12 we moved to a new house, and I finally had a lock on my door. I'd sleep in peace with my tennis racquet under my bed - ready if necessary. In the old house I would have to disassemble a door knob to keep him from reaching me for a beating. I also spent about 80% of my time outside of the school day hiding (and reading) in trees. If my abuser climbed up after me I would stomp on his hands when he got close. This worked when the weather was fair. When the weather was bad I'd hide in a crawl space under the stairs. Now, as a parent, I can't fathom my child being out of site for hours out of the day - every day. I also can't fathom that the bruises and ligature marks I ALWAYS had were ignored by all.

When I met my ex-husband, things were idealic at first. Slowly the insults and rages developed. Then he began "gas-lighting" me. This means he would insist that true events never happened and that fictional events had happened. He told me constantly that I was crazy and delusional. Abuse was a part of "love" for me so I took it and tried to "be a better wife". It wasn't until I was succeeding in a professional job and making more money than him did I begin to doubt all his claims of my insanity and stupidity, etc. I realized that at work EVERYONE respected me, sought out my help, and I was constantly receiving letters praising my work ( even from the company's CEO!!) How could my husband be right and all these professionals be wrong?

I began to tape record the events. When he started his, "That never happened ! You are F- - CKING crazy!" I'd put on a tape to defend my position. I don't think he counted on that. That empowered me. I thought this might bring resolution. It only enraged him more. I put the tapes in a safe-deposit box. The bank allowed him to empty my box even though he wasn't on the signature card. Why? Because I was his wife. As he loved to say - he owned me. Several times neighbors called the police on him. NEVER was he arrested. I was too scared to tell the truth - but they should have seen the terror in my face. They didn't care. Just like my Mom didn't care and the bank didn't care.

We'd been together 7 years (married 4 years, with one son) when his abuse became lethal. He cornered me in the home with weapons of opportunity such as 2X4 pieces of lumber, butcher knives, etc. Again and again I would wake up to his raping and choking me. It took him pushing me down while I held our toddler son for me to WAKE UP!! He was likely to kill me or injure my son trying to get at me.

I went straight to my office to hide. I had my first nervous breakdown under my desk in the empty building. When I "came to" I immediately bought a newspaper and started looking for an apartment. I also bought a stun gun. I refuse to perpetuate the violence I suffered from, so the stun gun is a moral option of self defense. I had it in my pocket when I told him I was leaving him. He threatened to kill me if I left. I pretended to back down, but after work the next day I picked up my son, but did not go home. I never had to use the stun gun, thankfully.

I've now been happily divorced for 11 years but the effects of the abuse still effect me. I have Complex PTSD, Major Clinical Depression with psychotic features, IBS, Somatization disorder, and anxiety disorder. I am on Social Security. I've been suicidal often, hospitalized half a dozen times.

I have daughters (not my ex's) who were molested but the police did nothing and Children's Services did nothing. In fact, a supervisor LAUGHED at me when I reported that my daughter said she was being choked and forced to perform oral sex on her abuser. What could possibly be funny about that!? My girls can't even get therapy benefits because the police said the abuse was "Unsubstantiated". I fear greatly what they will suffer in their adult lives. Once again - NO ONE CARES!

Perhaps Rhihanna is just too young to be aware of the situation's seriousness. Perhaps she was abused as a child and this is a "normal" aspect of love for her. I'm THRILLED that this story is getting the attention it is! That shows me that there is SOME improvement in law enforcement's policies and public attitudes.

To the idiots that said, "She hit him first!" I say - "Are you brain dead?!?" She is a small, frail woman. Mr. Brown is a muscle bound man - probably outweighing her by 100 lbs. I didn't see any photos of HIS injuries!! She looked like she'd been in a car wreck! There was blood everywhere. He BIT her!!! Biting is something that psychopaths and serial rapists and killers do. (Read about FBI profiling to learn more.)

Let's look at other senarios - If you slap a cop, is he allowed to shoot you? If a child smacks a parent, is that parent justified in beating them to a bloody pulp? If a man is punched by another man, is he justified in attacking back with a weapon? No, no and no. Watch some CourtTV (now TruTV) and learn the law.

To the person who said family therapy and anger management will help - I say that it did not help my ex. He would rage at the counselor! (Why didn't the counselor call police?! Oh, right, she didn't care.) It did help me see how bad things were. It is well known that psychopaths and sadists do not respond to treatment. They have no empathy, no fear and wish to possess their victims. That is not going to change. Escape is the only option. I didn't dare call the police - because he said he'd kill me. Since he'd likely be released within a day if incarcerated - I'd be dead meat. He also threatened my family. He said he'd kill me if I left and if he couldn't find me he'd kill my mother and sister.

Domestic violence must be taken seriously!! It's not about a fight and who did what, nor about the abused asking for it by "enraging the abuser". Comments like, "He couldn't help himself," make me physically ill.
Our country is weakened by this problem. The lost work hours and medical costs are astronomical, let alone the multi-generational consequences.

I will pray for Rhihanna and all other victims of abuse, male and female. I also continue to pray that our culture will no longer accept these actions as "private" or the fault of both parties. In Ohio, police routinely arrest the victim as well as the abuser! WHAT THE HELL!!?! I've seen dozens of bruised and bloodied women kept in jail while their male attackers are released because there's no room in the male jail. This has enraged me to the point that I am moving out of Ohio. My Step-Dad, who has worked all over the globe, said he'd never live in Ohio because "They treat people like dogs." He's so right. It's time for a Federal policy to supercede archaic state laws and stop jailing victims of domestic abuse!

We are lucky to have a new President who seems enlightened. Let's send him the message. He clearly loves his daughters. Perhaps he is the man who can turn this around.

My husband was never violent when I was compliant and placating, but the few times I fought back were dangerous. Fortunately his father had emphasized that no MAN hits a woman, but he would shove and push sometimes causing bruises from banging against something. Eventually I persuaded him to get effective therapy. This was after I read "The Primal Scream" by Arthur Janov, and started doing intense emotional work myself. Eventually he started do it as well, and when friends helped get him into AA, he was able to stick with it without relapse. I have discussed our whole history in greater detail in the post about "Why Women Stay With their Abuser".

Ms. March...thank you for a very thorough and unquestionably scientific/clinical foray into possible reasons for male-instigated domestic violence. The single, and most important item you failed to include is, that there is NO EXCUSE for this type of DV. Any and ALL actions are the result of a _choice_ on the part of the perpetrator. There are respected schools of scientific thought/research which propose that most all destructive and hurtful interpersonal acts are the sole product of _choice_ and should not be assigned to disease, habit or previous life trauma. Granted, there are men who, by definition, are psychotic and, therefore, are not aware of the 'right/wrong' core of acceptable human behavior. The incidence of this type of psychotic causative factor is, however, miniscule. Please excuse the personal reference, but my father often stressed to me during my formative years, that "there is _never_ a reason for a man to hit a woman. Never." I tolerated female DV until I gathered my senses about me and left the relationship. She 'knew' I would not hit her back, further exacerbating her _choice_ to dole out increased, aggravated physical violence to me. Domestic violence is _primarily_ a personal CHOICE on the part of the abuser. S/he is totally in control of his/her violent action. No ‘reason’ or ‘excuse’ is even remotely acceptable.

Hello everyone I have to say that you have shown me more then I already knew on this topic. For I have been one of them women that have been hurt by their husbands. I know that what you say is true. He was beat and starved and tied to a bed for days so I see how he came to be. I have to say that I took it for years with him hitting me. Then after my 2 boys where born and he would get mad over stupid stuff I seen I had to do something about it. One day we where at his dad's house and one of the kids did not like what was for dinner so I walked my kids home and well hubby followed to and well one thing led to another and my noes got broke. Well that is the day his world fell apart I went to ER and after i was done he went to jail for 13 days and i had papers to end are 14 year marriage. He told me that he did really love me and that he didn't want to lose his family and asked me to wait a few months or so before I filed the papers. With him being away from me and his kids he found that he needed help after all and he went and got the help he needed and slowly worked at showing me and the boys that he had changed. Well we have now been married for 18 years and he still goes and talks with me or someone else when things get tuff and has never layed a hand on me. I found that after going thru this I am a stronger person and we have shown our boys that it is not ok to hit girls. We have added 2 more kids to the family and every day we let them know that it is not ok to hit anyone. I also tell my kids that if it does happen to them to report it and help the person get help.

Certainly true. The Man who was abusive towards me had self-esteem issues whilst appearing arrogant to a great and dangerous degree. His previous wife was also abused as was the one before. All recognise a common trait of substance abuse and family issues (adoption)and upbringing, jealously of others and a feeling of smallness. His Obssessive tendencies often a false impression of efficiancey had an under-lying sense of chaos. No amount of counselling/anger management has helped him i feel because he is still not honest about his actions. Often he blames all but himself for his actions even making up accusations about others. This man has a violent and criminal past. abuse extends beyond me to other women, children, animals, elderly and employees, but you try to find proof! for a court. You try to get those who have escaped to face him again. Deceptive and a blackmailer he cannot stop. He has already picked off his next victim and she doesn't know yet.

I dont' know Jane, I am 54 and in kind of a similar situation. At our age it is most difficult to find our way and get the respect and the help we need. My kids were terribly affected but do not support my struggles, my daughter still does not talk to me. My son is back in my life but mostly when he needs something. I couldn't afford to hire lawyers and depended on state help and of course i got screwed. My only wish now is to have a home I can call my own and have my kids back in my life. It is high hopes and I get angry a lot for he way society has ignored us 50 something women on our own trying to make it. Good luck to you and never give up, just let go and get on with your life, while that is most difficult, it is the easier option, trust me

I left a verbally abusive marriage after 24 years.I have been gone 8 months.This is hard, as hard as the abuse. My children don't talk to me, and the legal stuff is wearing me out.I am attending a DV support group. I am 55 years old, and honestly don't see a future right now. When will it get better?

is the reasoning the same if the female is the one with violent tendenices

I know some people that have been in violent marriages. My father's cousin was in an abusive marriage which ended in divorce instead of death to someone in the family. I know of a girl that was in a support group I attended that had a husband that treated her like crap, called her fat when she was pregnant and smacked her around, they also got divorced. I am glad I haven't been close to anyone as yet that had a husband try to kill them, but the closest I came to that was that a dentist in my county was killed by someone hired or encouraged to by his estanged wife to murder him while in the process of a divorce. It creeps me out when something like that happens in my county or in my town.

StephP

We have to go against of domestic violence because it really give a bad effect on children.
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Hi

A man or a women it does not matter, physical, verbal and mental abuse is not to be tolerated, I myself am a man that was sujected to physical and verbal abuse by his partner and it was a sad , lonely and dangerous world, Worse maybe being a man and not wanting to admit that he was being attacked with all sorts of implements by his not so big wife.

Not knowing what to do, and living life in peril I eventually contacted a womens help line, on this particular morning our apartment had been trashed, furniture, TV, Hi-Fi the lot, and all thrown at me.

Fortunetly I was given a Male help line, and as what was happening to me was discused for the first time in a very long time, the danger I was in became very clear, yes my first thoughts were counselling, she will get better and all that, but when the odds were explained to me, and we discused the increasing severity of the attacks, I knew that I had to leave, and leave I did, and chase me she did, becoming 1st angry and then romantic, doing anything that could get me bach into the battle field , our home, normally a baterer will mainly attack behind closed doors, somewhere you presume your safe, but you truly are not, and normally these attacks get worse as time goes on.

Why do we stay, love, hope, children families mainly for all the wrong reasons but we stay, but the reality is very very different, we should not no human being has the right to attack physically, verbaly and mentaly another person like this, no person should have to suffer in such a way, reach out , ask for help, there are help lines out there use them it was only a help line that saved me, I had no one else to turn to, I was far to embaresd that this was happening to me, but it was and it was very traumatic, fancy marrying someone you loved to only find that they were indeed a violent person.

Now I am free, and believe me I never ever look back, the only good that this experience has done me is that I am now able to understand what is happening when another has the strength to confide in me, both male and female I can identify, and through my efforts they have sought help and most importanly SAFTEY & SANITY , we all desrve that

For anybody out there that is in this situation, my sincere advice, is open up, find and ask for help it does truly exists, your very important and worth it

Abuse comes in many forms. I am lucky to have survived to adulthood. If there had been child welfare laws when I was young, and if the social workers who enforce those laws had been made aware of my situation, I would have grown up in foster care. The happiest moments in my childhood were in the summer when the sun was high in the sky and I was on my bicycle, alone, riding miles from home, and I knew that I would not have to return for hours. In addition to random, unpredictable physical abuse, my parents made me listen by the hour to stories that would have been appropriate for psychotherapists to hear. From a tender age I cleaned, cooked, did laundry, took care of my younger siblings, did all the tasks of rearing infants, and delivered newspapers, all the money I earned going to my parents. My parents were married in March, and I was born the following June, which, given the mores of the time, was a source of great family conflict. My grandmother never accepted me as her son's child, and did everything in her considerable power to make my life miserable. Her most lasting contribution to my childhood was her insistence that I was eating too much, that the food I ate properly belonged on the plates of my parents and siblings. As a result, I very nearly died of starvation, while she looked on approvingly, my parents unwilling to cross her. A case of appendicitis brought me to the attention of our family doctor; he would not allow me to go home after the surgery, so I was sent to the home of the clergyman who had married my parents. I discovered that the man was a child abuser; however, he did feed me, and he was nice to me, so I did not want to go home. The situation was bad enough, and I saw no escape, so that I welcomed my grandmother's hatred, wishing to die. I attempted suicide several times between the ages of five and thirteen, resulting in broken bones, dislocated joints, and assorted lesser injuries. My earliest memories of being hit include my silent oath that, if I grew up, I would never treat anybody the way I was being treated, and I never have.

I guess I understand how an abused child can become an an adult abuser, the cycle repeating itself. Perhaps my parents were abused, though I doubt it, and I could write their biographies. At bottom abuse is an issue of control, of power. A child is abused because the adult abuser needs to feel powerful, in control, even if that control is random and self-contradictory. In my grandmother's case, starving me satisfied her need to feel virtuous, and it was safer than attacking her son and his wife, though she did that as well. To a certain extent all human relationships are meant to meet the needs of the participants. When these relationships involve abuse, when inflicting pain is both the end and the means, life can become unbearable. In a perfect world, abuse will be unheard of. However, we live in a profoundly imperfect world, with no way out for some folks, other than suicide. My wish is that survivors will try to understand the stresses that always precede that catastrophic act, and resolve to learn the hard, humbling lessons that it teaches.

I can tell you as someone who has been abused throughout my life, since I was a baby, I would never, never, never do the same thing to anyone else. I know how my life has been affected by the abuse imposed upon me. I know how I felt and how I feel now because of the violence I have endured and I would never ever want to make anyone feel that way no matter what. This is why it infuriates me when the excuse is used that because someone was abused that is what they learned and that is why they abuse others. This is only giving the abuser a reason to not be responsible for thier actions. I am a woman, abused by my birth father, my step father, my mother, my husband, my own kids, and later in life by my female partner. I have never understood this and the devistation I still feel today from the violence that those I loved imposed upon me is the most horrible thing I have ever felt. I have realized that I am a magnet for abusers and I now know that I do not deserve to be treated that way and, I trust no one. All I ever wanted in life was family and love and all I ever got was bruises and black eyes that I had to make excuses for, both physical and emotional.....and the shame that I could let this happen to me again and again. DV is the most horrible, shameful, distorted attempts of control that anyone can ever go through and anyone who does this should be imprisoned for life forced to do community service to help others. The people who abuse, yes are insecure and feel out of control but what they need to control are themselves, not others. My female partner is a complete control freak and she controls many weak people and still she emotionally and verbally abuses everyone in her life. She no longer has this control over me. She thinks everyone else is stupid and incompetant but the truth is that she is that person, stupid, incompetant, incapable of doing anything or understanding anything so she finds weak people to do her bidding all the while she is manipulating and abusing them. It makes me sick to see so many people get away with this crime, but they do and they justify it by blaming others. It is a horrible embarrassment for humanity that this type of behavior is allowed in our society and in our families.

I say I am not yet satisfied by the Chris Brown and Rihanna story because they really drove the subject of DV into a new relm. They are both rich, famous, young, got the looks, healthy, and more, but we do not get any real answers and that now famous fight seems incomplete.

Does Chris or Rihanna or anybody think that we are going to just forget about it happenning? and then we have to pretend along with them that it nerver happened? if and when either of them come out into public or their concert then are we to yell questions and comments to each of them? or do we hide our own pain? For some reason what happened to them really does hurt me in a peculiar way.

I feel like we all need some closure, because it is not closed yet.

My mother had poor coping; anger; and physically disciplined. Which then was unperceived as abusive. I grew in this environment of hitting and put downs, behind the closed doors. Outside the doors we learned to keep secrets and appeared without need.

Little did I know, that I never learned more positive means of handling self and growth. I became abusive (to self; family; children; spouse, mentally; verbally; physically; emotionally) Thankfully, in my own disguise, I was able to see and learn differently. That I was wrong, and there were other ways and another life.

I worked with families in abuse situations which opened my eyes. To build trust with those individuals that abuse takes time, in their need. As safety with the those being abused, is the priority. Having someone tend to the needs of the abuser as well. It is a judgement call and situations are different. Though, abusers can change. I did!

I had to comment.Domestic Violence is on the increase in seattle and I want you to know because of the budget cuts...that the Domestic Violence Unit of the Kent Police Department has been disbanded.And it is
a very bad thing..but noone seems to realize right now I cant live by myself and other women are in the same boat.He hasnt hit me again..but
he doesnt remember...And I will always love him but I have got to much
to do now and so much to say that I must learn sometimes..it is better to be alone....

As far as I am concerned, any man who hits should be locked up. I know that some can change and reform but as it is, violence is not tolerated in our society and it should never be tolerated in our homes.