If you are a female and remember your childhood, or you have a daughter older than 4, you know that girls can be tough on themselves and to each other. The mean girl personality seems to be appearing earlier and earlier these days possibly due to media influences or just kids growing up faster. Many women recount painful memories of their childhood and being taunted, bullied or ignored by kids they thought were their friends. Girls have a unique brand of torture they inflict on one another juxtaposed to boys who may duke it out but all is well soon after.

"Mean girl" behavior is not the same as being a leader or strong willed. Those are personality traits which can be positive and fun to be around. If your child has been on the receiving end of a mean girl's vitriol then the difference is clear. The behavior I am discussing here is clearly defined as being hurtful and malicious. It may include telling friends who they can and can't be friends with or talking in a made up language or code that your child doesn't understand. There may be direct insults or criticism that leaves your child feeling badly about them self.

Often the mean behavior is extremely subtle and hard to identify because it comes in the form of exclusion, which is also termed "relational aggression". Young girls form cliques and the "mean girl or girls" dictate who can be a part of the group and who cannot. The other, less dominant members, fear becoming an outsider and will typically go along with the leader's mandates. What is particularly confusing to some children is that this exclusion is not always consistent. One day they may be in and another day they are out. Parents will describe how painful it is to watch their child suffer in this way as they begin to realize that they can't fully protect them from all the evils of the world. But they can arm them with the skills to manage their social world and to ask for help when they need it.

Ask your daughter about her interactions at school and how she feels about them. Start doing this at a very early age so that she gets the idea that you are involved, interested and there to assist if need be. As she gets older she'll want more privacy but if you lay an early foundation of support it will help to build her self-confidence and give her the knowledge of a safe haven in you. Pay attention to any unusual changes in behavior that may involve her sleeping or eating habits.

If it comes to your attention that your daughter is the victim of a mean girl or group, don't be afraid to discuss the issue with the teachers or others in charge. You can't manage what you can't see so get other responsible adults involved. Make sure your child knows that it is OK to report what is going on and in fact necessary. Rehearse scripts with her so that she is prepared for the unkind words or being excluded. Encourage her to play with other "nicer" kids and help her do this by arranging play dates with the parents of those children. If she is too old for your involvement in "play dates" talk to her about having plans with some new girlfriends and what fun activities they can do together. Help her build her resources.

As counterintuitive as it may be, talk to your child about why someone would chose to be mean and hurtful. Explain to her that those children usually have a great deal of sadness in them and have a very hard time being empathetic or feeling someone else's pain. Somewhere in their life (usually at home) they feel very out of control and therefore they get some satisfaction by being in control of others. They may be either neglected in some way or (as is often the case) overindulged. Let her know that it doesn't excuse the behavior but it may explain it a bit. This is a way that you can build your own child's empathy which is such a valuable attribute. Be careful not to be too insistent that she not play with a "mean girl" because you don't want to make that child the forbidden fruit that your child must have. Try to subtly help your child unwind themselves from a person or group of kids that has these cruel tendencies by giving her alternatives.

If you happen to become aware of that fact that your child may be the perpetrator of these mean deeds then you will hopefully address the behavior immediately. Take a good look at what is going on at home. Children imitate what they see and the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree. Even though it may seem like your child is happy, because they are in a position of power, they will most likely (and hopefully) get their comeuppance in due time. As painful as it may be you really do want your child to learn from their negative behavior and sometimes that learning is difficult. Encourage your child to be inclusive and lead by example. While it may be extremely difficult, try to break up alliances that your child has that exacerbate her behaviors. If you notice these unkind traits, put your child in situations where they are new to the group or out of their comfort zone. This will force her to see what it feels like to be on the outside and hopefully serve to help build empathy. Lastly, if your child is resistant to change and unable to see how their behavior is hurtful then get some help from the outside. Talk to a therapist or a counselor and get some guidance to help your child become the best person she can be.