We all have ideas about money and most of us have some anxiety around financial issues. When two people come together to form a partnership (romantic or business) ideas about money can and often do clash. When money matters become personal, meaning within a family, a marriage or cohabitating partners, there is the potential for heated arguments and mistrust. This is why I feel strongly that full disclosure is the best course of action. Everyone in that union should know what the books look like.

Who pays the bills or manages the finances is really a personal decision and that responsibility should be given the person who is most skilled at it and who has the ability to complete the task in a timely fashion. Access to certain accounts and or trusts, and the possibility of prenuptial agreements are a matter for a Family Attorney, if need be, and not a Family Therapist. What is in the domain of the therapist is the caution that secrets, even when pertaining to money, are seeds of disaster.

So many times I have seen one partner go on a shopping spree and not tell their mate out of fear of anger and admonishment. They hide their purchases deep in a closet or somehow fold the charges into something that looks like a necessity.  I have seen couples get very sneaky when it comes to money matters. In these difficult financial times most of us are cutting back and this has caused some individuals to feel deprived, which in turn can exacerbate the need to sneak around with regard to purchases. Somehow the person doing the sneaking convinces themselves that it isn't really a betrayal. It's as if their adolescent self takes over.

Another problem I see is that one mate will make a large purchase without discussing that purchase with their partner (I am of course not talking about surprise gifts). Sometimes one person is very spendy and the other very frugal. This can work out fine if everyone is upfront with their needs and desires and they can balance each other out. It is when dishonesty takes over that the trouble begins.

When a relationship gets to the point of merging funds or even sharing life expenses, it is wise to have a discussion about your ideas with regard money. How much money is "enough" money? This means, is there a number that you would hit at some point that would satisfy you and relieve your financial stress? This doesn't mean you would stop working - just stop worrying (as most of us do). If you have any extra money how would you like to spend it?  Some people would love a vacation, others a new item for the home or a nice meal out. It is wonderful when two people have the same ideas about how to spend that tax refund or gift from a family member - but it doesn't always happen that way. You may be surprised to learn how different your mate's answers are to these questions. It is better to find out upfront that you have different ideas then to learn about them by surprise. Often someone is dreaming of that long awaited vacation that they have been planning in their head and their partner arrives home with a new television set. This is an example of poor communication. While having any extra funds at all seems like a good problem to have, it can actually create genuine conflict between two people if the groundwork is not properly laid early on in the relationship.

When ideas differ profoundly, compromise is the key. Maybe this time you take the vacation and next time you make the desired purchase. If the money needs to go to life expenses, then both partners need be on board with this decision in order for couples to avoid the ever present trouble of living beyond their means. When finances run short, both people need to be aware of the circumstances and participate in the solution. Sometimes secrets are kept in order to avoid worrying the spouse. It is not fair to keep someone in the dark - even if you think it is in their best interest. In the long run what they will most likely experience is shock and a feeling of betrayal.

So lay it all on the table before forging ahead into the world of joint accounts and community property. Decide everyone's role and responsibility for the financial well-being of the family and most importantly, in good times and in bad, keep it honest.