Conclusion to Series on Domestic Violence: The Cycle of Violence – Part 4 by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Experts

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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Conclusion to Series on Domestic Violence: The Cycle of Violence – Part 4

Posted in Anger Managemen... by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Mar 25, 2009

There are several versions of The Cycle of Violence which be found in the literature on the subject but they basically contain all of the same tenets. Typically it can be broken down into 4 phases: Phase 1 - tension builds, Phase 2 - the violent incident takes place, Phase 3 - The reconciliation or make-up Phase 4 - the calm quiet. Phase 4 is followed again by phase 1 and the cycle continues.

The Tension Phase consists of the batterer getting angry and the victim feeling as though she is walking on eggshells. Typically she will try to calm the batterer down or do things to avoid his wrath in the first place. All her efforts are to no avail and in the absence of actual conflict the batterer will create some imagined scenario in order to provide an excuse to engage in an argument.

The Violent Incident needs little explanation as it is what it seems to be. The abuse may be physical, emotional or sexual. Over time the abuse can increase in severity and the victim usually finds it harder and harder to excuse the behavior. They also may find it harder to leave the relationship.

Reconciliation typically follows the abusive event and includes apologies from the batterer and promises that they will never act in a violent way again. In some cases the batterer will try to convince the victim that she is to blame for her own abuse (sadly this is often effective). The batterer may deny the event all together leaving the victim to feel as though they are exaggerating or even imagining the argument. Victims often learn to mistrust their own instincts.

Finally the relationship returns momentarily to a state of calm and during this time the batterer may romance the victim and follow through on earlier promises made. It is almost as if they lull their victim into a semi-trusting state and even hopefulness that things will in fact be different this time. After a period of time in this cooled off state the burners get ignited and the relationship goes once again from a simmer to a boil fairly quickly. The cycle begins again.

Please keep in mind that I have used the female as the victim and male as the batterer model in this case but as I mentioned before, it is not limited to these gender roles. If you see yourself or your relationship following any part of this entry, or you can relate to the other articles in this series please seek out help and support.

Thank you for the candor of those who have shared their stories here. I hope you will stay connected to each other and to DS for community support and helpful information.

Previous: Domestic Violence: Why (Some) Women Stay – Part 3

: Arguing in Front of the Children

CATEGORIES: News

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anger Management • Anxiety • Depression • Family Issues • Healthy Relationships • Jealousy • Life After Divorce • Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) • Parenting Teenagers (12-18) • Physical & Emotional Abuse • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder • Senior Dating & Sexuality

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Displaying comments 3-1 of 23

I too remembered the agony of the wait that was the arrival home from (and I use the term loosely) work of my (now) ex-husband. For those who still cannot comprehend that a victim would choose to remain in a relationship despite overwhelming evidence that the behavior of their partner is not acceptable, it is important to understand that sometimes, it is this cycle of violence that further adds to the confusion. All of those stages can be passed through at a rapid and confusing rate, sometimes my ex-husband lingered through phase 3 or phase 4 would continue for a (foolishly) comfortingly long period, so that phase 2 becomes a confusing "did that really happen?" period of uncertainty and (often) self-blame (i.e. "maybe I did deserve that"). I am safe now and happily am in a stable and loving relationship, but I still carry the scars from my previous marriage - I HATE conflict and whenever I hear or witness a noise made in frustration (usually focussed on an inanimate object i.e.; Television) I feel the familiar fear & panic well inside of me. Thank you DS for giving this topic so much attention, it cannot be ignored and victims should NEVER have to excuse the behavior of their attacker

By reggae2812 Mar 25, 2009

Every night when I was in the kitchen fixing dinner, and would hear the garage door open, my heart would start to beat harder. This would continue until the kitchen door by the garage opened and I saw if he had a smile or a scowl on his face. If a smile my stomach and heart relaxed. If a scowl I felt like I was walking on eggshells. When he started a quarrel, I learned to bring up some topic of mutual interest and disdain. Then we could both bitch and complain about the same thing, like the latest political outrage, or international one. In his case he needed to blow off feeling and if I could deflect it to something other than me it usually worked. I also hurried to give him a snack to get his blood sugar level up, while I finished cooking dinner. This technique helped a lot, but was not the final answer.

By PTSDwidow Mar 25, 2009

Thank you for including this vital information. As time goes on, the cycle will mostly likely escalate. The time between each part of the cycle can change - some parts may happen sooner than others or be dragged out longer or be skipped altogether. In many cases, the longer the abuse goes on, the less time between each cycle and the more intense/violent the abuser gets.

LOVE DOES NOT DIMINISH us as human beings in any way

LOVE DOES NOT MAKE US FEEL BAD ABOUT OURSELVES

LOVE DOES NOT HURT (not physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually)

By MyTrueColors Mar 25, 2009

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