I have left my husband after 15+ years. He was emotionally verbally and physically abusive. I have always forgiven him each time he would apologize then blame me if I would just "behave" and then go into denial and say that he did not do anything and no one would believe me although I took pictures. At night he would come into my room and force himself on me even though I would say NO!He too like the person in comment 22 would watch a lot of internet porn and was very aggressive to the point where it was painful and I only felt violated. I did not like people coming near me and if they came up behind me with out me sensing it I jump in a panic.I would have this sinking feeling when I came home and his car was in the driveway sometimes it took me time just to muster the strength to get out of the car. He would frequently grab me by the head and slam it into the desk or pull me down stairs or to the floor by my hair as well as biting me slapping me fracturing my nose I had several black and blue eyes arms legs especially my back (no one could see that area)he even kicked me so hard he left a complete boot imprint on my leg. People would ask about my bruises and I always had an exscuse I must have said I fell down the stairs 50 times and each time people would say "be more careful" because frankly no one wants to ask more or get involved.I finally realized I had to leave or die he told me he would kill me if I left but he was killing me in the house. I was at this point financially dependant and I was afraid I could not make it without him. He told me I could not have my kids and he tried to get me thrown in jail he accused me of being an alcoholic and I rarely if ever drink and a drug addict which in my life I have never taken drugs. I told of the abuse and everyone told me how well he presented himself and I was sent for a drug test! Everything he said was proven false but the courts do not want to know from the abuse and no one cares they told me to get over it and move on but I am afraid that my kids will only learn to be abused because their father rains terror on them as well and all the therapists and lawyers say that they are "bonded" but that is because they are afraid of him and does not know how to handle it. To top it all off they expect me to carry on a relationship with him to raise the kids. I still fear that once everyone is gone he will try and hurt me but even if I end up dead because of this one day I know that I got out and I know that I stood up for me and my kids and I am trying to show my kids that in life you must treat people and be treated by people with respect and integrity and that love does not need to hurt. I feel as if the whole system let me down the worse was probably the police they were uncaring and violating and one even told me I deserved the abuse for staying and he looked like a fine father. I would like to know if anyone else has suffered from the sytem as I have I have been trying to understand why women after finally mustering the courage to leave are then further victimized and why do they not do more to help us protect our children. I have been free for a while and I am really learning how to be happy I did opt for therapy which I highly reccomend any woman leaving this situation but I am so glad I left all the material things I left behind don't mean anything compared to my kids and me being happy.

I have been married for 9 years & my husband is passive aggressive per my therapist. He has been sexually abusing me for 2 years. I left 10 days ago and I am finding some peace. He denied the abuse occurred at all!!! I have to take medicine to sleep. He found he could have sex with me and I was not able to put up much fight because the medicine is really strong. I told my doctor and he sent him a note saying I was not to be woke up during the night. He got up at 4 AM for work. That slowd him down for a month or two, but then he was back at it.

He tried blaming me because he wasn't getting his needs met because he had to go to bed early & I was unavailable at that time because of the kids. I tried to be available at his bedtime but that didn't help.

He really hurt me once when he forced anal sex which is not something we ever did, I yelled and jumped forward. He was physically holding me in the position he wanted. I hurt for days. It was after that I got the courage to talk to a rape counsoler and learn about rape in marriage. That happened last Sept 08, a couple of months ago he found where I had journaled about that evernt and talking to someone. Oh, he blew up!!! The first thing he said is I was trying to ruin him (he has a sensitive job). Then he said he had never raped me. He never has aknowedged his actions or the pain he has causes me. I has aware of what he was doing and could try to push him away but that was as much of a defense I had.

He also got into porn around that time on the internet and I think that didn't help. He had gastric bypass 2 years ago & it changed his "sexual appetite" Even when I was consenting, he starting insisting on degrading me sexually.

My family doesn't know. That is hard because I have 2 grown sons and a 14 year daughter and everyone is blaming me for leaving him. Poor dad! I AM IN THERAPY!!! I fell into the co-dependent group of women who find themselves in abusive relationships. Abuse is hard for people to understand when you are walking around with bruises.

I just wanted to share my story because sexual abuse does happens. It is illegal in all 50 states. And it is really hard to prove legally. I won't be pressing charges because of my kids. My husband was getting more and more controlling during this time frame as well.

Anyone going through sexual abuse, please find a way out of the relationship. It is abuse! It hurts you physically and emotionally. The man tries to make it your fault he is raping you because he needs sex so bad. God didn't create the bond between men & women to be like that.

# 18&20. OK, OK your right, but why am I always wrong.? smiles

That's too bad you might have learned something or even found a new friend.

I disagree #18, but do not wish to engage, not educated enough. tizz a battle not worth fighting.educated enough to know this, I can speak on it,but can not argue the points.,rest a shore,I believe your opinion is Moot.

I disagree with this comment the very worst kind of abuse is psychological it is so subtle and insidious that it is like being killed very slowly until nothing is left in you.I cannot believe that you sir would bring up a tragedy of a pregnant woman who lost her mind to proof that women are just as responsible in domestic violence.A person who loses her mind from a mental illness is not attached to domestic violence in any way.The worse part was to add"or just stay in your perfect bliss" Obviously that is not so God help you for that attitude.Her life is hanging on a thread I hope you will realize this the next time you make such a comment.

–noun
1. a person or thing that batters.
2. a person who inflicts violent physical abuse upon a child, spouse, or other person.
everybody is so PC , why is the she in there?

I have been been through batters groups, I have never hit a woman before. this is a good article and i am not trying to detract from it. Just recently a woman killed her 2 kids where I live,another woman killed a guy and burned the body,suspected of more killings. at least one she burned. I know there is a male dominated mind set in our world,but the unspoken and denial of a kind of affirmative action against men is unfair and not good. some of the woman I lived with were violent towards me, I had one where I had to hide all the knives under that mattress once, she slapped me in the face,and other woman have done similar. I did not hit them?

I have had a woman call 911 and proceed to tell the operator that I was on parole,and have a previous restraining order and I had just kicked her. this after asking me about our children. and would I ever try to take them away. she also used her imagination to get that order.

the prisons are full of woman,and the sugar and spice and everything nice mentality is crazy.

and i feel sorry for the woman and I hope your better off now. do not dwell in victim mode, take a long look in the mirror, and fix yourself too. god created us all equal,we just feel like were not. Or just stay in your bliss and remain perfect, it is your choice.

sorry for the rain on the parade. last was my last 2 cents .

Thank you for this article! This cycle that you describe happened in my marriage. I tried to explain to my ex-husband that, like the labor of childbirth, the pain of his abuse began vague and with great painless stretches of time between twinges. As time went on the pain got stronger, lingering and exhausting and the stretches of peace became fleeting. I finally wished for death - the pain was so pervasive and searing.

When my son was born, the medicine gave me relief. When I left my husband, God gave me relief. One of the best parts of my new life is going to sleep without the fear of being assaulted in the night. The very best part is the love for my children.

I have had a stlaker after me for may years but i have protecition iwth permanent order
and help form police and state athorities
I have someon who is trying to make me file a civil suit and after thinkin
I don' think it is work thi
he is 71 and has stage 4 cancer
he is sleezy and connections
I don't what to pay money o this one

I had an epiphany this week as I spoke to my counselor. I have learned how to describe my ex, in whom I was both the victim & aggressor in a violent relationship. My ex is like a drug to me. All my life growing up, I did drugs knowing they were wrong, but felt good. I enjoyed the high I got with weed, acid, crack, etc. I grew up finally a few years ago, but it was after this relationship. I see her now in a different light, because I know I can have her. I think about it alot, and I know it is wrong, but I would enjoy it. I feel i cant say no to her, but I do my best to not put myself in to the position to have this abuse continue. I am a creature of habit, who knows that she, along with drugs are bad for me, but will continue to struggle and say no. Please pray for me people, because I am not as strong as I could be, and as much as she aggravates me I know that the abuse could & would continue.
Thank you.

Well written, from a colleage in the field, excellent. Mary Moonen, L.C.S.W;C.A.P.

In your article about domestic violence (DV), you refer to the victim as "she". The TRUTH of DV is that women batter men as often as the converse. Why didn't you know this? Or have you deliberately suppressed that information?

You can find an 18-page compendium of studies which show the equality of domestic violence between the sexes at
http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm

One of the first researchers to establish the equality of perpetration was Dr. Suzanne Steinmetz in 1978, when she published "The Battered Husband Syndrome". In response, the radical feminists invested in suppressing this information made death threats against both Dr. Steinmetz and her children.

Because of your bias, I am sending a copy of this note to the executives at Daily Strength.

I am living this right now. Not physical abuse, but emotional and mental abuse. I know that knot in the pit of my stomach when I hear his truck pull up in the driveway. The relief when I lock the door behind him when he leaves in the morning for work.
When he is there, it seems like nothing I do is good enough or right. I know the cycle so well, I can almost predict it and when the worst is about to happen. I believe my husband is also narcissistic. I left once for 6 months, and within 6 months of moving back everything was pretty much the same as before. I know I need to get out and stay out. Somehow.

Everything said here is exactly true. After living like this for a while one really does start to doubt the experiences to be real and this is truely another part of the abuse. Self doubt and distortion comes easy for someone who is subjected to this constant see-saw of extremes. It was really making me crazy to the point of not knowing what to do or who to turn to. It has been a long road back to gaining personal power and knowing that there is nothing wrong with me and I can now trust my intuition and stand up for myself. Now I see how insane it is that this abuse is so much a part of our society and it is accepted as something to look away from instead of stopping it.

I believe emotional abuse in particular is a pervasive part of our society. It is accepted as normal much of the time because the bruises are on the inside instead of the outside. It can happen between lovers, friends, and in parent child relationships.

As I said last time I went back to the dv shelter i stayed at before for women and children. There is healing in that house and I am greatful for the empowerment that I feel there. We recently did the clothesline project and I thought if you hadn't done an article about that yet, that maybe you could. I know that when I did two shirts, one for my aunt who was murdered by her husband and then one for myself I was amazed at what strength I have inside to have dealt with all the types of abuse I have dealt with. If you decide to write an article on that would you please email me/msg me and let me know so that I can read your article? Thank you. LM

When I went to domestic violence counseling, I knew I was committing violent acts, and didn't realize I was being abused.

I learned we react differently in abusive relationships, that our actions and the relationship is not normal.

Abuse is so subtle and in the forms of emotional, verbal and physical. I have suffered from all three. Domestic violence need not be physical. Domestic violence counseling has helped me get out of my last abusive relationships. It took a long time.

I was tired of the gamble, not knowing when the next abuse would occur, and it was so subtle and hard to identify, especially when the blame was on me, willingly at times. It is a long and slow process of recovery to get out, stay out, and make healthier choices, especially for those of us raised in this way that seems "familiar" and "comfortable".

What if both parties get tense and commit violence? Is that classified differently?

You poor ladies! I read your stories and cannot imagine how you survived this sort of abuse. My husband is a kind, gentle man and my very best friend. I dated a lot of jerks and one day had an epiphany that the kind of man to marry was the kind that was the opposite of what I had always found attractive. I hope you all can find peace in your journey, and NEVER EVER let another man hit you or say unkind things to you again. Our worth is far greater than we even know, as women, and you ladies deserve to empower yourselves and embrace that worth. I wish you all the very best and thank you for sharing your stories.

That vicious cycle nearly killed me, I spent years wishing my husband (now ex) dead..thankfully, I am alive and learning to live a happy life. my ex is a lonely man..I no longer wish him dead..we were married 14 years, of which I spent 12 wanting to leave..I did not know how....promises made by a batterer have little, if any, validity...