A member of DS wrote me to ask for guidance with a difficult relationship she was having with her daughter-in-law (DIL). It seems when she offers even the slightest bit of advice she is met with rage and resistance. The dynamic between Mother-in-law and Daughter-in-law can be a particularly problematic one. First of all it involves two women and women in general tend to have more complicated relationships than do men.  In addition, the relationship between mother and son can bring with it emotions of jealousy and possessiveness when a new woman enters the picture. Add to the mix grandchildren, and many women’s innate desire to mother, and you have a sometimes unwelcome extra cook in the kitchen.

The DS member mentioned that she had previously tip-toed around her daughter-in-law and she felt that it is possible that her DIL had come to expect this kind of behavior from her. It is unfortunate that the relationship began on what was not an entirely genuine foundation although this is not uncommon. Often during the dating phase, and even through to the wedding, potential in-laws tend to be on their best behavior. They may say and do things simply to be liked by the other and to put their best foot forward. It is as if they are on a job interview but, unlike an employment setting, once they “get the job” it becomes personal.

As with any new relationship it is always best to be yourself. Find ways to respectfully disagree with each other in the beginning and it will serve you well when the relationship deepens.  As a parent-in-law it is crucial that you never make the mistake of splitting between the couple. In other words, don’t complain to your son about your daughter-in-law. Not only does that put your son in an awkward position it can cause tremendous stress on your son’s relationship with his wife. If you have reasonable complaints go directly to the source. If you feel that the lines of communication are poor then do something to improve them. If you simply must involve your own child because you feel as if your complaints aren’t taken seriously then request that all of you get together for a talk and share your concerns in an open, non-accusatory way. It may not make your relationship an entirely harmonious one but it will at least be an honest one. This can help to eliminate some of the game playing and passive aggressive behavior that can plague these types of relationships.

A good book on this subject is What Do You Want From Me? Learning to get along with in-laws, by Terri Apter. This author goes into detail about the nature of these types of relationships and offers some very helpful tips on how to manage them more effectively. She describes the reasons behind the challenges that are faced by in-laws and offers insight from the perspective of all parties involved.

In the end it is important to remember that many of these complications arise out of a shared love for one person’s child who is now another person’s spouse. There is rarely malicious intent. But there needs to be clear boundaries in place as lives shift from one phase to another. It is actually possible to have a nurturing and rewarding relationship and ideally this is the goal. There are plenty of wonderful stories of in-laws forming deep and lasting bonds but sometimes that kind of closeness is not possible because of the personalities involved. In those cases the goals are effective communication of everyone’s needs, respectful adherence to personal boundaries, and an awareness and appreciation of the discomfort of those parties that are wedged in between, such as mates, children and grandchildren.