Attachment to a Therapist-When Treatment Ends by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Experts

Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…

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Attachment to a Therapist-When Treatment Ends

Posted in ADHD / ADD by Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross on Oct 10, 2008

Interestingly enough another site member asked me to address the issue of "becoming attached to your therapist". This is interesting to me because of my recent post entitled Attachment to the Hospital. While this is a very different type of connection there are some similarities. The relationship between a patient and a therapist is not a natural one. It does not have all of the stages that typically exist in other types of social or even business relationships. It is one sided in terms of sharing and caretaking and, much like the issues I discussed with regard to the hospital, the fact that the therapist has entered into a relationship with these clear boundaries dictates that it must be different from other relationships.

Therapy ends for a number of reasons. Ideally there is a natural end where the patient has gained the self knowledge or the tools to move forward with their life without continued treatment. On a rare occasion therapy will terminate because of the needs of the therapist who may be changing the nature of their practice, working less hours, or has a personal issue that has taken them away from their work. This is the situation in the case of the DS member who wrote to me because, as a result of a family tragedy, her therapist discontinued her practice. This occurred many years ago and yet the patient is still grieving the loss. When a termination happens abruptly it is never easy to handle and that is an unfortunate circumstance.

Typically when therapy is set to terminate, several sessions will be spent on discussing what has taken place and how things have changed. A sort of inventory is taken at this time to clarify the individual's current situation. It is also important to have a plan in place in the event of a relapse, and resources that are available to the patient. If the relationship was a meaningful one then there will most likely be some grief attached to the loss and this can be discussed as part of the termination process. Each therapist will have his or her unique way of dealing with termination but there should be some structure to the process.

If the opportunity for a proper termination does not exist then the patient must deal with these feelings on their own or with a new therapist. For the DS member who is still struggling with this issue I would highly recommend talking to a new therapist about this and exploring the possibility that the attachment to the past therapist is representative of other issues of loss in your life. So often the relationship in the therapy room mimics the dynamics of those on the outside and the feelings get misplaced. This is wonderful material to work on in therapy but very complicated to sort out on one's own. Some basic tools for dealing with grief that can be used in this situation are journaling about your feelings, talking to a friend about the loss, recounting the good things that came from the relationship, and becoming more involved in the relationships that exist in the present.

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Displaying comments 32-13 of 32

I spent 3 years building an extremely close and trusting relationship with my male therapist in recovery for significant prolonged sexual abuse. I did well and excelled personally and professionally in a very dramatic and highly public way. I was like the poster-child of therapy success. I left therapy a little prematurely with the best of intentions believing I was ready. Or more precisely HOPING I was ready. This was followed by an unconventional, preapproved by supervisor and state ethics board, attempt to segway into a different kind of working relationship with my former therapist. It was like a dream come true as we were an amazing creative match and excitedly got to work on this exciting project. In setting this up I was proactive and logical about protecting myself and my related career only to have nearly my world come crashing down on me. Permission to work together was revoked without warning, but worse, all contact and communication with my former therapist completely ceased without any explanation. This was on the heels of two significant unrelated events that had already brought me to a low point so I was extremely vulnerable when the banishment occured. Although I suspected, I did not initially have confirmation that indeed my therapist had been banned from communicating or seeing me, but indeed that was the case. This demolished much of the progress I made in the three previous years of therapy. No one told me why, or what happened, or if I'd done something wrong, or if he had (neither of us had). I still do not know details, only that avoiding the appearance of harming me was a higher priority than ACTUALLY harming me. I suffered the longest most intense depression in my life (I'm in my 40s). I lost my best friend (sad but true), my intellectual partner, the spark that had fueled my skyrocketing career. I cried every day for six months. I cried for him like the lost broken child that I had been and which I'd been in therapy for! It was a case of cutting off the offending limb (me) for the appearance of a cure. Neither of us did anything to merit this. But bottom line, he of course chose his career over me--and nearly my life. I have been in counseling with another therapist for about a year, and it has gone really well. My career has changed paths, my career than plummeted due to everything falling apart is now bright on the horizon again and I've additionally added to finishing my master's and soon entering into an internship to become a therapist myself. Thank you for letting me tell my story to people who understand attachment to their therapist.

By ActivistMama Feb 08, 2009

I am really sorry to hear about the person who is still grieving for their therapist 6 years after therapy. My heart goes out to them. My therapist left 8 months ago and I still find that really tough, so I sympathise. When she left, she assured me that she was only away for a short time, that the door was always open and that I could contact her in 6 months to see what was happening. Then when I did, she said that she was sorry, that she didn't want to let me down, but that her circumstances had changed and she still wasn't working. She said that she would phone me whenever she was back, which kind of left me a bit in limbo. Anyway, she did say to let her know how I was getting on, so a few weeks ago I e-mailed her to say that I was okay. That made me feel better because then if she doesn't call, at least I've told her that I'm okay, so I will be able to justify to myself that maybe she thought I didn't need her. When my therapist didn't reply (even to say thank you for letting me know how you're doing) I was hurt, but something that came into my head the other week, the way that things sometimes do ... A few years ago I read a book called forget you had a daughter by a young woman (Sandra) who was sentanced to a long term in prison in Thailand for drug smuggling. She wrote about her experiences and in the book she mentioned that she had met another girl (Karen) whilst in prison, who was then released. Karen wrote to Sandra for a while and I think if I remember the story correctly Sandra wrote back. But then one day when she got another letter, Sandra put it away and didn't reply. What she said in her book was that Karen was a young woman who needed to get on with her life. So by not replying, she was actually being or trying to be kind. And I think really unselfish because it was probably really nice for her to get corrspondence. Anyway, that helped me a little. You never know what people's reasons are for doing things, but I guess I can look at them how I choose.

By rebw Nov 18, 2008

I am dealing with this issue right now. Next week I am moving from where I live to somewhere else. I have been having a hard time accepting the fact that me and my counsellor will have to stop seeing each other. I know that this upcoming move may help me, but I am still dreading starting all over with someone new. I feel that my counsellor is someone I have bared my soul too. It gets to the point that something bad happens and I am on the phone to call her. I think its basically because I dont have anyone else her to talk to. I mean no one. No friends, No family nothing!
Its hard and I dont really know how to cope with it all.

By hunnynutty Oct 24, 2008

I was curious about this because I just started talking to a new school counselor, and I've probably told him more than I have ever told anyone in my entire life, and I get along with him very well. But one day,
I decided to see if he was available to talk to me, but he was busy with some other girl...I waited for a while, hoping I would get a chance to talk to him before I had to go. Basically, I left pissed off because I couldn't talk to him...but I think it's really weird for me to have gotten pissed off. And now, whenever I see him, I feel weird. Ugh, I don't know if I'm just being stupid or if I'm attached to him... I feel like a creep.

By jenni130 Oct 19, 2008

So how can you "Like" a therapist, really trust them, and NOT get attached? Can people really chose if they get attached or not. I am soooo confused.

By Owshen Oct 17, 2008

I had a male therapist for over a year that I got along with well and became attached to. He was an intern and then moved to another state. I was really mad at myself for getting so attached, but now I realize that it is pretty common. When you have someone who you feel you can really talk to about anything, it is hard to let go of that. I chose not to go with another therapist, because I didn't want to go through the whole process again with someone else. It takes me a long time to open up to someone. It has been a year and a half since he left and there are still times I think of him. I don't discuss my anxiety problems with my friends because they don't get it. Unless you have been there, people think you should just be able to get over your problem. That was the nice thing about having a therapist and why I miss having that outlet.

By TinaGr Oct 17, 2008

I really was able to trust my 2nd therapist and when she moved away and I had to transition to another one it was really hard for me to do beacuse it's harder talking to a male about some of my difficulties even though we get along sometimes I dont think he understands I was able to express my emotions and not feel embarresed with her to were if i cry around a male counselor then i feel like i'm a baby even though I have been in counseling on and off for 10 years thanks for writing this at least i'm not the only person that has had trouble when my therapist left.

By rachelle403 Oct 17, 2008

I have grown very attached to my therapist. When she retires I don't know how I'll handle it. (Thank goodness I have a few more years). But this issue has troubled me. My therapist reasures me that there will be a good transition period. I have a stronger bond with her than any one I have ever called a friend.

By paddy61 Oct 17, 2008

I can relate. I have never 'hung out' with my therapist, and I never will only because I know what it can do, but I am attached to her in a more therapeutic way. If she ever left, I dont know what I would do.

By deathwish Oct 16, 2008

I just want to respond to lmfclcls. I was in pretty much the same possition you are right now. I knew my therapist for over 15 years. We did a lot of things together outside of the Office, he had been to my home many times ect.. At the time I thought it was great that he cared about me so much. But now I know that HE went over the line just as much if not more than I did. And when it ended, it hurt worse than ANYTHING That I have ever went thru -And I have gone thru a lot- It totally changed who I am. I went from being a social semi functional person, to pretty much a hermit. I don't trust anyone, especially if they work in the Mental Health feild. It's very sad and I would give anything to go back and change things. But I can't. He said he would always be there, and I should have known how unrealistic that was. I just don't want anyone to go thru what I did. Be careful sweetie. Try to not become so attached that it would destroy you if it were to end. More than likely it will.

By Owshen Oct 16, 2008

I have been in therapy for a few years now, it seems to me that I confide all of these personal things to this person and then they end up leaving. I know there are reasons why they must leave but I have a hard time talking about things, so I go back into my shell, feel like I'm starting all over again.

By lonesstar Oct 16, 2008

i currently have an excellant therapist, one who listens, advises,and is firm with me when i need it. we have been together for over 4 and 1/2 years. weekly visits. it took me a long time to trust her,and to let her get to know me. however, we have worked very hard on my coping skills with bipolar, ptsd,and anxiety issues.also worked on boundary issues. now she announces she is leaving the beginning of december.i already feel myself going into an irrational depression due to it. i dont want to be selfish, but i going to miss her, and am afraid of the future. who else do i get as a therapist? will i even get one? etc....your article came at the right time for me to see it. thank you

By seperatedsky Oct 15, 2008

My relationship with my therapist is much like a traditional relationship. The sharing goes both ways. I know a lot of personal information about him, as much as he does me. 3 weeks ago he disclosed something to me that he said he could never even tell his wife or best friend, but felt comfortable talking to me about it. We've gone out to dinner together and this summer, went to a rock concert together. He is happily married, his wife is also a therapist, I know her and yes, she is fine with us spending time together as she knows he is loyal to his marriage and I would never interfere with a happy marriage (but i am single). He's 3 years younger than me and very attractive and yes, I enjoy being with him. I am going to be crushed when the therapy ends and I hope he and I can continue our friendship without the therapy.

By lmfclcls Oct 15, 2008

I had to leave my therapist of many years because we new that I needed to try EMDR treatments for my PTSD and she does not do it. My therapist found the new one! But I called her told her I missed her so much but I was going to continue & try EMDR.

By csand Oct 15, 2008

I seen a counselor for a year and she left due to her husband's job location took them elsewhere. I knew the day would come however it made me sad. I guess I began to think of her has a friend too. She provided me with her email address and said we could still stay in touch and she could be somewhat of a life coach. We emailed sparatically for a a few months and then small talk got smaller and we haven't emailed in over a year. I still don't know if she meant it or was just being nice to me. I even hugged her when I said goodbuy and not sure she expected that! haha because of my personality.
I'm glad I did it. I really appreciated her listening to me all those days.
Thanks to Beverly wherever she is now. She really helped me see things in a different light.

By jessdavisva Oct 15, 2008

VERY INTERESTING. I HAVE BEEN GROOMED BY PREVIOUS PROFESSIONALS TO ASK 2 IMPORTANT QUESTIONS WHEN DECIDING A CHANGE IN THERAPISTS.
A) WHO'S YOURS? MEANING, NEVER ATTACH YOURSELF TO A THERAPIST WHO DOES'NT HAVE ONE THEMSELVES.

B) WHAT ABOUT THE PROBLEM OF TRANSFERRANCE? I PERSONALLY HAD TO BREAK OFF THERAPY WITH A FULL FLUNG DR. REASON; I HAD DRUG UP DEEP ISSUES THIS PERSON HAD NOT DEALT WITH AND WAS INFORMED THAT OUR SESSIONS MUST END. THAT IS VERY DISHEARTENING!

BIG BEARS HEART

By BIGBEARSHEART Oct 15, 2008

This is an important topic and I'm glad it's being written about. Ideally it would be great if when your therapy is due to end (if it can be planned) the "appropriate" steps are taken..... and if the therapist did their job, well, one would feel that seeing a therapist, isn't necessary, any longer. Taking what they've learned and applying it to more healthy, fulfilling relationships. That would be ideal and I wish it could work that way. It is so hard to loose someone you're attached to.

By page Oct 14, 2008

I had my therapist to confide in and my psychiatrist to write up my prescriptions for depression and anxiety.

By flip12flop Oct 13, 2008

I recently saw a therapist for over a year, at which point she believed I no longer needed her services as I was finally getting my life on track. I will never forget all the kindness and concern she has had for me. She is the one person I could just vent to, cry when I needed to, and be totally honest with. She knows more about me than my friends do..............and maybe my husband too! Her guidance was immeasurable and I always know the door is open if and when I ever need to talk to her again. It takes a special connection to find a good therapist.....I had tried many others before I found her...and no one else connected with me like she did.

By flip12flop Oct 13, 2008

I left one therapist myself many years ago. He put me on Prozac for moderate depression and OCD, the dose
was increased from 20 to 40mg a day and I ended up hypomanic and was hospitalized involuntarily as an
inpatient for 8 days. I have been very bitter about this for many years as the man never acknowledged in the
least that he might have misdiagnosed or mis- or overprescribed.
I was stuck with almost $5,300.00 of bills because the insurance carrier decided that my hospitalization was
due to a pre-exisiting condition.
It wasn't even a matter of the money - I would just have liked for the man to acknowledge some responsibility
for the fact that I ended up in the loony bin...

By nutjob1961 Oct 13, 2008

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