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Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross is a licensed psychotherapist with almost twenty years of clinical experience in the fields of clinical psychology and organizational management br br She has worked extensively with a wide variety of…
FAST FACTS
A New Book On Marriage and Relationships in America
The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today by Andrew J. Cherlin was released this month and it makes some very interesting points. The author discusses the fact that Americans marry, cohabitate and switch partners more than other Western societies. This fact is an odd one given that Americans also place more value on the institution of marriage than other societies do. Marriage for many is a stated goal and the issue of same sex marriage is a heated debate across the country. In other countries the issue of same sex marriage doesn't receive nearly the attention it does in the U.S. In fact, according to his resaerch, gays in many other societies look at marriage as an unnecessary exercise between heterosexuals that they would rather not have anything to do with. Clearly the value of marriage in those societies dictates that it is not a coveted tradition.
I heard the author speak on a radio program this week where he discussed his research and his theories. He pointed to the fact that children are forced to exist in revolving relationships and that this reality is going to leave a sad legacy. He was considerate to those who have come from these multiple family experiences (including his interviewer) when he said that this history doesn't mean that you will end up unhappy or unable to have a relationship but it does mean that you are predisposed to these things. He used the example of someone whose parents carry certain genetic traits for a specific disease. He said that it doesn't mean that the child will definitely get that disease but, it means their chances are simply better than the general population that they will in fact get the disease.
One of the most interesting points he makes in the book is how marriage is changing in America because of the increased emphasis placed on individualism and self-fulfillment. Marriage requires compromise and sacrifice and so much of modern culture revolves around personal growth. Ideals that were once cherished as part of a family structure are now looked at as antiquated and oppressive. Unfortunately we may be throwing the good out with the bad.
This dilemma is something I often see in my practice. Someone comes in depressed and reports being unhappy in their relationship. One of the goals of therapy is to build self-esteem but this very act can and often does take a toll on their connection to their mate. The very act of becoming more empowered and less dependent can begin to eat away at the ties that bind two people. This is one of the reasons I feel strongly that when a relationship is the main complaint I prefer to see both partners together in treatment. The goal of empowerment and increased self-esteem can still exist but if both people are growing together, and witnessing the changes in the other, the bonds can be strengthened.
Andrew J. Cherlin is a Professor of Sociology and Public Policy at John Hopkins University. He has published a number of articles in prestigious papers and has studied family life for three decades and his observations, in my opinion, offer valuable insight into one of America's most treasured institutions.
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It does seem like sacrifice has been given a bad reputation though and I don't believe it is all bad. It is necessary in jobs and careers, in a family, and in rearing children. It is part of life. Furthermore compromise is part of any successful, healthy, relationship. Perhaps it isn't an empowerment issue, but rather a priority issue.
Good article. I enjoyed reading it.
If so, I couldn't disagree more. I grew up in a divided home, literally with my mom on one side of the country and my dad on the other. Because of the way I was raised, I was VERY cautious in choosing my husband, we dated for nearly 5 years before we got married, because I refuse to raise my family the way that I was raised.
I feel strongly that rather than being "pre-disposed" to follow my parents mistakes, I have learned from them, and I can break that cycle.
Conversely, my husband's parents were NOT divorced, he was raised by both his mother and father...but he has been married and divorced once.
Maybe we are a world of discontents, or maybe our true natures are starting to show through?????
Deep down, no-one is open about honestly these days. We are too scared to tell the truth as we see it because we fear judgement from our peers, family and friends? Who knows? I know I don't. :-)