Widows & Widowers Support Group

My daughter who now lives with me has her dads keys to the house,when l hear the keys in the door l think for one second that it is Frank coming home from work,if only.l use to look forward to him comimg home telling me all about his day,me telling him about mine.
l don,t really know whether pretending is a good or bad thing,but l do think that when we grieve the mind is capable of thinking anything.There have been times when l have thought that l would die through all this grief,you know,die of a broken heart,but l,m still here.
l think its just the longing for the someone that we have lost,but they are around us in spirit,watching over us. take care. Alice xxx

So sorry for your loss...
We all do things initially to numb the pain.. I used to call myself from Michael's phone, because his caller Id would reflect on my phone-I would pretend he had called me. For a long time, I used to listen to a voice mail he had left me on my cell...I would play it over and over..Eventually you will let go...There is no harm in pretending occasionally .. Hugs janine

I think it depends on the person. For me, each time I would let myself feel like he was in the other room, or coming home later, when later came I would have such a huge wave of sadness and disappointment. It actually hurt me more. But if it helps you, and makes you feel better, then I say there is nothing wrong with it. Because anything that is helping you to feel better, I think would aid in your healing.

River. . .there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We do what we have to do to survive each day. So don't worry about it. i am sure that this phase will pass. hugs, Shirley

For a long time I left his jeans hanging on the bedroom door where he'd hung them the night before he died. Made me feel like he was still in the house. We all do things that anyone else who hasn't been through what we've been through would think was kooky. That's one of the great things about being here at DS - no matter how kooky some things I did sounded, I found it wasn't so crazy after all. We've all done or are doing something like that. Love and Hugs, Martha

I think that everyone should do whatever they feel helps them through this horrible journey. Pretending is just that - pretending. We all know whats really real and if it helps us, even for just a few minutes, then what's the harm. Its another take on "Fake it until you make it" . . . .

I think it is perfectly alright, RiverBends. Whatever it takes to ease your mind for a while can't be bad. I think that healing will come with time, no matter what. We all have waves of grief, so pretending is just having some respite in between. My husband and I both played this game of denial throughout his illness. He had really mastered it and made me feel that he'd be with me forever. Although on some level, I knew that it wasn't true, it helped to get us through the tough times. I think that your pretending is similar to denial, so if it works for you, fine.

You're right. It's not real to pretend, but it's not real that they're not here either. It's beeen 9 1/2 months for me and I still pretend sometimes. When my mind wanders to a really painful place, when I start to relive what happend and realize that he is gone, I have to immediately trick myself into thinking that he is just somewhere else right now and that he will be back. I thought maybe I was the only one who did that. It's what helps me get through because without it I think I would just die. I miss him so much and don't know how to face the future without him. I think you should do whatever gets you through the day. Take care. Robin

I think you should do whatever you feel helps at the moment. It's not like you believe he's at work, it's a temporary solution that works for you now. Anything that can get you over the rough spots. Sharon