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Grief counselor??
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Has anyone gone to a grief counselor? I am wondering if it would be helpful to see one and would like some input, like if it helps? How often do you see one? How do you know if you need to see a counselor one to one?
My DH and I, although he had cancer for 14 months, we had never talked about many issues during that time. I have so many regrets or "I wishes" as I call them now. I am having a really hard time with this. Is this a normal part, all the pain of not being able now to say those things? We were so close, talked and debated everything in our lives from the time we were basically children and when it came to this, we just couldn't talk. It was too hard. We would try and get out a sentence and not be able to say anything more. Now I never will be able to tell him all those things I want to say and I just can't bear it anymore. It is literally tearing me to pieces. Three long lonely months without him, I just don't know if I can handle anymore. I have tried journalling, it helps but it can't replace the actual talking that we did all our lives. We would talk endlessly for hours. We enjoyed each others opinion and debated many, many things. I am lost now. My confidant is gone, the one who I told every little thing, who understood me, who loved me like no one else. I miss him so much that I feel like my life ended with his. No one knew me, no one cared for me like he did. He was always my best friend, we had each other and really didn't need anyone else. I feel that I have tired out my family and friends with my grief and my feelings. Would a counselor help? This journey is so very hard. KS Posted on 11/07/09, 11:11 pm |
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Dear KS, there remain so many unresolved and unsaid things in any relationship no matter how close. DW and I were forced tosort through a host of matters when she was fatally ill in the early days post diagnosis - she had a thyroid tumour constricting her oesophagus. So one night I practically like, said darling if you don't wake up in the morning tell me all these things now please. It was hard, but it helped to open things up. But there are lots of things I would still ask her, but ... reality is...
KS sounds to me like you need to speak to a professional. My daughter (28) never expected DW to die, and it has been really hard for her as her second daughter was born 32 hrs before DW passed to Glory. She has needed some counselling help. The boys and I have got by. Women need to talk about these things much more than blokes - I have used the local Christian bookshop nearby and have found three books very helpful. The best I can recommend is Getting to the Other Side of Grief. Hope this helps in your sadness. Your loss is great, the grief interminable, th epain extreme - there is no easy way though it KS. There are no short cuts - if you don't face and accept the pain early, it is worse later. You have found the right place here. Love and hugs. John 
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KS - your post could have been take straight out of my journal. I had a similiarly close relationship with my husband. We had one discussion, after the cancer spread to his brain, and that was it. After thought, tears and anguish about what, to me, was unresolved, I've come to realize that as close as we were, this was his own journey to take, and his choice in how to live those few months. I know he didn't give up hope, so what happened was that we tried to live our lives as "normally" as possible. When death is staring you in the eyes, it changes everything. I did see a therapist for about a year, and I found it very helpful. He provided an objective eye and ear that I so badly needed. Yes, this journey is very hard...Hugs, Marsha
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Hi KS, I understand exactly what you are saying. Ii keep going back over in my head the I wish and I should haves and one person in my group said let itgo and he is right I believe. I go to Gilda's club which is for folks who have had a loss due to cancer or who have cancer. I was not sure if I wanted to go to a group or individual session, but group does work for me. The Gilda's club groups are free of charge and they are very supportive there and have programs going on through the day for all who have had dealings with cancer. Good luck to you. I hope you find the counseling that works for you.
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I found a counselor and a bereavement group very useful. I started out seeing the counselor every week but now go every other week. My wife died just as she was apparently recovering and quite a few issues are left unresolved.
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I went to individual counseling and then group counseling through hospice. It's not exclusive to hospice patients, so you could choose them if you wish. Don and I did talk about his death, but there are always things left unsaid. I also read the book "Getting To the Other side of grief" which I would recommend also. Books arent a replacement for talking though, at least to me. I would recommend getting a counselor, either individual or group. to anyone who suffered a loss. Sharon
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Hi KS, I have felt the same way for a while now. Decided to go to counceling and it has helped me verbalize my feelings. Although I used the journaling as a tool to get it out, I have found it is great to have someone nonbiased to help me get through my issues. Hang in there and give it a try, you will find it works.
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KS - so sorry you have to go through this. My husband died suddenly just 2 months ago and I feel as if your words are from my heart. It's terribly difficult to go through this - harder than anything i could ever have imagined. I started going to a therapist right after Jim died - don't know what I'd do without her. She lost her husband some years ago so she knows what I am going through. Although some sessions are very difficult and painful - I think it's really important to be in a place where you can express EVERY emotion you are feeling right now with someone who will not judge or feel uncomfortable with tears... I wish you well.
Stephanie
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Thanks to everyone for the comments. I think I really need to talk to someone one on one. It's so hard to talk to friends and relatives and really say all those things that you need to say. I worry that I may offend or cause guilt feelings in others and I really don't want to do that. But I need to talk.
I just hate this, I hate that I am a widow, that I read books about grieving. I hate it all. I hate this life completely. Sorry I just need to say it. Thanks, Kathy
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I see a private counselor weekly, who lost her husband 17 years ago. She and I can really relate. I love her. I also attend bereavement support group twice a month. They both are helping immensely. Would have never been able to do this alone.
Please seek it.
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Kathy,
I say the same thing alot these days, I hate this stupid life of mine, hate having to read books on grief and articles and to have to journal...I hate it all too...I think we all hate what was forced on us...I hate that I didn't say everything I wished I'd said or done... When I slip and say these things outloud around my roomate she gets quite worked up (she's more like a sister really) and she tells me to quit saying such terrible things...(not what we want to hear huh?)... I know what you mean too about wearing out relatives and friends with your grief or frequent mention of your deceased partner...after a few weeks it seems people tire of hearing it...I don't bother discussing my emotions with anyone other than my best friend and occasionally my mother who is one of my closest friends. I am planning to find a grief counselor...I"ve had counseling before over the years for this and that and it ALWAYS helps. God bless you and heal your hurting heart. Jill
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