Widows & Widowers Support Group

There have been several threads on this topic, so cast back aways in the topics and have a read.

I will simply observe that one of the oddities of life on this earth is our ability to give love out of an empty vessel. Our capacity for self deception is nearly limitless, but so, thankfully, is our capacity for love.

The way you make room for another relationship is to understand that each relationship is with a different person and they will fit into your heart in a different way. There will be some overlap, but less than you'd think. You cherish the good in your late wife, and without diminishing that one bit, you learn to cherish the things you love in a new relationship. Your late wife was unique; your new love is unique. Don't ever think of them as interchangeable.

That said, your inability to open up is not at all uncommon. It can be caused by not being ready to "let go" and "move on" but it can also be caused by other things, such as the loss of one's ability to trust life or take risks, a need to discover some previously denied aspects of oneself before committing to a new relationship, etc.

You need to assure your love that your difficulty in this area is nothing personal.. If you can't resolve it, on your own or with counseling, then it is up to her how long she wants to wait for you to open up more.

Another thing to consider, especially if any children either of you have are grown and on their own, is whether you need to force the relationship into a particular "box". Marriage can be a false objective (and a false security). If you're happy together as you are, with the level of commitment you have, then just enjoy that and let it be what it is. Try to live free of expectations, or even hopes. Try to conduct your relationship in the moment and ignore the expectations and assumptions others may wish to make about it.

--Bob

Sam: Each of us is going to handle this issue in our own way ... I don't think there is one answer for everyone. In my case I consider myself to be extremely blessed because before my wife died of brain cancer she taught me some very valuable lessons which prepared me to cope with my grief. She also taught me that our hearts can expand to love more than one person. This has brought me to a place in my life where I have now bonded with another incredibly special person and I really feel that my wife helped me to find happiness again. I try to honor my wife by sharing my experience with other widows and widowers who may be struggling with this issue.

Rather than repeat my story I would encourage you to read my two journal entries about ... "My Love Story".

Based on my experience I would predict that in time you will accept that it is OK to bond with someone again. You appear to be open to the concept but you are probably having some guilt feelings. I would just suggest that you ask yourself whether your wife would want you to be happy and if she would want you to find another special woman to share the remainder of your life with? If the roles were reversed what would you want for her?

I would never "push" anyone to date or to "search" for another mate before they are ready (if they will ever be ready). My only goal is to influence others to become "open" to the concept. If we do not become open to the possibility we may miss the opportunity that God sends are way.

I hope this helps ... Tom

I so agree with what Bob wrote, especially the last paragraph. It's a journey that i'm struggling with. Let go and accept the things that make you smile with open arms. Let go of the anxiety of what if and what will and relax in the present. I write this not only to you but for my own head and heart to understand and practice. Sharon

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. All of the postings here have different ways of dealing with death and recovery.

I'm sure everyone here has heard my story, more than once, but my husband died in January 2008. That December, at a Hospice Grief Support Group, i met someone, who I had no Idea would influence my life in 2009. We both lost someone very dear to us and we both loved and miss them tremendously. But during our emails, conversations, me helping him with a genealogy project , we realized we HAD more in common. We showed each other that there is "Life after Death". I had been widowed longer than he had been and I had to respect him in his grieving, his children and his deceased wife....he was grateful for that .... and I had to let him lead the way.......everything had to be in his time span..... time to let his friends know about me, time to go out in public (grocery shoping) occasionally- hoping no one would see us and tell his children, then the time TO tell his children and his twin sister. That was the only family he had except for a few cousins.....who don't live in our town. The one thing we didn't do was compare each other to our deceased spouses. We were starting a new chapter in our lives.

In August, (August 21st to be exact) was his wife's 1 year Anniversary Mass. That was on the Sunday , Aug 23rd and he WANTED me to be there......He said "it was time for everyone to meet me".....I knew that mass would stress him out, since his wife sang in the choir for 32 years and they were singing all of her favorite songs.

I had already met his sons and sister on one occasion in April. The meeting that Sunday was great. Everyone was so happy that he had found someone for companionship in his life. My family had already met Bobby and they loved him. We could do things with my family with no problem.......but not his. That Sunday was awesome,everyone was happy. I called him Monday night to check on him.....no answer. I called him Tuesday morning before a dr. apt, I knew he had.... still no answer. So I gave him enough time to get home from that visit and I called again....still no answer. SO I went to check on him........only to find him dead.

The time Bobby and I shared those few months leading to that Sunday was great. That special feeling was there, with him, as it was with my husband. I believe he would have been my 2nd soul mate. Unfortunately God had other plans. Bobby did have a lot of health problems but that didn't bother me and it didn't interfere with our outings. We truly shared a new life for a short time and it was great.

My husband and I talked before he died about "if anything happened to him or me" the other was to find someone and move on. I respected his wishes and we honored Bobby's wife's 1 year anniversary. I often wonder what our life would have been like had we had the opportunity to enjoy it more"together". But then I think I'd love to have had both my husband and Bobby back....but HEALTHY......not sick the way they both were.

Our hearts were open to moving on....slowly. But we did have the capability of loving someone else. It wouldn't have been the same as the one we had with our respective spouses, but it would have been "OUR" love. A new start with someone new. It really was nice. We understood each other........so much!!!


Even after losing my husband and Bobby, I'm still open to moving on. I will not feel sorry for myself......I owe both of them that much. I don't know if I will ever meet that "special" person again. But my mind is open.........I don't take anyone or anything for granted. "Everything" will have to fall into the right place for me to move on again.......until then.....I'm ok.........best of luck to you....Jenny

Sam,
I too watched my husband, the love of my life go through cancer. He had a brain tumor and I was by his side as he went through treatment and then died. It is devastating to go through this! For you, someone who lost loved ones when you were so young, it would seem to bring out the worst and most deep fears to love again. For you it is possible that love and loss are so intertwined in your subconscious that you are too frightened of one for fear that you will then once again have to live through the other.

All loss is intertwined like a web or the fabric of who we are. The best way to let this go is to know that it is okay and it is normal to feel it and to understand how it all is connected to how we are feeling and dealing with life today.

I think the only thing that could be wrong would be to push yourself. Your love for your lost wife deserves all the time that you need. If the new woman in your life is the right one, she will (not only allow you the time that you need), she will see this as loving you completely for who you are and where you are in your life right now.

If we truly love someone, we love all parts of them. I would cherish the part of you that cherished your wife because that is so much a part of who you are. Having loved one person does not take away from loving another person.

Please give yourself all the time that you need and move slowly.

That's my two cents.

Hugs...

-Diana

This is a complicating issue because what works for one may not work well for another. The greiving proccess works so differently for everyone...I know of widows/widowers who moved on in there life and married again within a year and then some one like myself who waited 15 years before letting go and moving on to a new life with a new husband. I am a strong believer that if that someone is meant to be in your life someday..then it will happen and it will be a choice you will not regret and a life you will come to enjoy. I found someone 10 years after my husband died..his wife was only gone for a year...the first year was rough because he was still grieving her death but as time went on we became a very comfortable twosome. I NEVER thought I would find this type of love and happiness again..I was where many of you are..a place dark, lonely and very frightening but I realize today that in order to get where I am today...I had to get through that dark tunnel and most importantly I had to be able to let Jay go before I could truly let Mike in. Sometimes when we are so lonely we look for that quick fix thinking that it will take away some of that pain...It won't....until you are ready, truly ready don't make your situation worse by trying to replace someone who is irreplacable...you are ready when you are willing to let your spouse go and you believe in your heart it is time to make a new life for yourself. Once you have healed this will be easier to do and if it does happen for you and I pray it does...you will find happiness in someone elses arms...you will learn to love again and you will look at yourself one day in the mirror and say..You are finally happy again.

CGRMOM, you're right to point out that everyone needs different amounts of time to be free for a new relationship. However, it's not always solely an issue of resolving grief and moving on. It can also be due to needing to (re)discover oneself. In the aftermath of such a loss, sometimes people find they are "flying solo" for the first time in their life and they need to figure out who they are and what they want apart from a relationship. In addition, sometimes there is collateral damage -- highly stressful and/or complicated financial, spiritual, family and personal issues that are exposed by loss. These may require time to process, or they may simply require too much of a survival focus to do justice to a relationship.

It'd be a mistake to imagine that "letting go" of the late spouse is necessarily 100% of the story. In fact, I'd be unsurprised if objective research wouldn't uncover that much of what masquerades as years and years of holding on to a deceased spouse is often only tangentially related to unresolved grief, if any. I don't think most people can pine away for years and years. Not that some don't, and not that there's anything inherently wrong with that -- just that there's more to it than the initial loss, often.

--Bob

I think that once you find the right person this question will be answered simply by the love that is created by you and the new person. Your heart does not shut down and your love for your wife will never be replaced or abandoned. Once you find the right person it will be a new love story/life that you will start creating and you will find that it is apart from that life you once shared with your wife.
My opinion, if I may, Is that you are now allowing yourself to have friends/companions. This is perfectly alright to do. Do not see past a friendship for now. Obviously you are doubting going past this. Tell this wonderful lady how you feel and that you now you are ready for friendship and in the future time will tell.
I have found a new person and I will tell you that I had no reservations. I hold strong to the love I have for Gerardo, but I know that it is apart from what i feel for this new guy in my life. You will know it when it comes and it will happen so naturally that you will be happy. Good Luck and let Time dictate what happens. : )

So very true...when and if love comes your way again..it will just happen just like it did before. What I feel about "letting go" I still stand behind strongly. I couldn't productively move ahead in my own life until I was willing to let Jay go...I lived everyday in his memory and how it was when he was alive and for 10 years at a young age of 35 I refused to let him go. Holding on was easier even though more painful..once I was willing to let him rest in peace and concentrate on my future with out him was when I was able to begin living a healthy life again...I can only speak from my own personal experiences and by no means am I trying to influence anyone into doing anything they are not prepared for. For me any other issues that I had didn't come into play with my reasons for not dating..I beleived that if a man was to love me again it would have to be for who I am and what I am all about. I was a financial mess, I was raising 3 young children alone and my family was on my case constantly to get out there and date...I couldn't do what they wanted because It would not have been fair to the person I got involved with...he would have only been a pacifier for my lonliness..it had nothing to do with my finances or any other situation...it only had to do with guilt and missing my husband. Once I came to terms with the cards I was dealt and the want for a better life I realized in order to make that happen I had to say Goodbye to Jay..really say goodbye..I had to let him go. It was the key for me but may not be for everyone else. Falling in love again may seem impossible when ones heart aches so strongly for our spouse, but we are able to move ahead to a new love. I was married on May 22nd after 15 years alone..I love my husband deeply...and I live everyday of my present life very happily...I still miss Jay and I understand I always will..but there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and my wish for everyone on this site it to someday go to it and live once again in happiness. If love is meant to come along it always finds a way to your heart.