What is Widows Widowers
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life aft...
Join Now
|
The Second Choice
|
Watch this |
| View More Posts Ignore |
If the first choice upon finding ourselves in the raw pain of losing the love of our life is to allow all of our feelings (or lack of them) and emotions, and we allow the waves of grief to rise and fall without criticizing ourselves for how long....for as long as it takes us....and until....
And we decide to fall into our grief in whatever way we must to fully face the wound and we put one foot in front of the other until it goes from unbearable to bearable. If we nurture ourselves and treat ourselves with the same love and care that we would treat any loved one especially the very one that loved us that we lost.... If we fully face the first choice until the waves of grief have taken us to the depths of our soul and we begin to see that there still is a world...even, yes, one that we do not want, one that we did not choose, one that is not fair and never will be, but the one that we now have, then (I think) we will some day be ready for the second choice. The Second Choice takes as long or less, or longer than the first choice. I believe that the second choice is: TO LIVE. We can choose to slowly fade away and wilt, or we can choose to live. Hopefully we have been putting one foot in front of the other and forcing ourselves to move forward, as painful as that is. Some people will stay in the first choice for years and years and possibly forever. I feel like eventually we have to decide our own value, our own worth. If we believe that our only value is what our lost love valued in us and without them we are no more that person, we do not give them enough credit. They obviously saw something in us that even we may not have seen in ourselves. Perhaps we saw something in them that the entire world did not see, but we did. Whether you believe that you are a child of God or not, either way you are a Precious Child on the inside. There was a time that you did live and yes even before you met the love of your life. You are that Precious Child still except better. You now have the knowledge and wisdom that your lost love gave to you. Some people live an entire lifetime and never experience real love. If you experienced it, you have been blessed. I hear some people explaining that they spent 20,30,40.50 years with the love of their life. I feel like they are luckier than me as I was only able to be with the love of my life for 12 years. I could say that it was not fair or that my grief would be less because of that, but losing the love of your life, is losing the love of your life. If I could have had eternity with anyone else or one year with the love of my life, my dear husband..I would choose one year with my husband. He helped make me whole and is so much a part of who I am that I still feel his presence in every breath I take and everything that I do. If you do not know how to make the second choice, there are many grief counselors out there, some you pay for, some are free. I choose to live by breathing, by putting nourishing things in my body. By allowing myself to sleep when I can. By pampering myself. By talking to others who understand what I am going through. By exercising a little more and a little more each day. Walking around the house for five minutes a day is living more than sitting on a couch 24 hours a day. I choose to live by not sitting by that phone expecting everyone else to make that choice to call me and feeling sad because no one seems to care, but by making those phone calls myself. I choose to live by thinking of things that I used to enjoy or things that I might enjoy and "faking it until it feels right," and I see a ray of sunshine. The second choice is not easy. I hope you make it someday, some how. Until then, please keep putting one foot in front of the other because even if you do not realize how precious you are to you and to the world, you are precious to us. Many hugs to you... -Diana Posted on 11/05/09, 05:11 am |
| 14 Replies | Most Recent | Add Your Reply |
| View More Posts Ignore |
Chosing to live again is an important part of grief and it comes to each of us differently and at different times. It does come, and Diana, you are right it is a choice we make. In the beginning I chose not to live life, merely to exist in the dark pit I found myself in. I was too hurt and angry to consider ever having a life without Don.
In God's due time I found little things that could give me pleasure and taking those baby steps day by day before I realized it I was chosing to live again. It wasn't my choice to lose my husband, but I do chose now how to spend the years I have here on earth. That's a powerful thing, that choice. I can't control the future but I control this minute this day. The right choice is the choice you decide for your life. First choice is to find healing for your pain. Second choice is to take that knowledge and do something with it. Sharon 
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Diana,
Well said! That 2nd choice, willing to live, certainly is not easy, but it is a choice only we can make. I know of some that chose to simply sit around, feel sorry for themselves, and are getting nowhere. I also know people that have physical ailments that don't allow them to put one foot in front of the other to continue doing what they do, and it drives them crazy. Those of us that have lost the love of our lives are in a different world, in a sense. Yes, there are going to be those days when putting one foot in front of the other just doesn't appeal to us. Myself? My wife & I discussed this many times while she was alive. I told her that I would not, COULD NOT, simply sit around. I was going to keep on living, keep myself active for as long as I was able to do so. I am a Child of God, and I have to believe God doesn't want me to waste away whatever time I have left. I am retired from my job, but I have managed to land a part time job which takes up 6 hours each week day. That gives me a reason to get up in the morning, and a reason to get out of the house to keep my mind & my body busy. My own personal philosophy fits right along with your whole thread. That is, I WILL TO LIVE & KEEP ON LIVING! Dennis
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Beautifully put Diana. I don't know where I fit into all of this since it's been only 4 months for me today, but your words provide a glimpse of some light in a very dark world for some of us. Thank you! Did you ever think about "Motivational Speaking" as a career?? If not I think you should, you are wonderful at it... -Sam
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Your comments make logical sense and I think that most of us know that we will Keep on Keeping On because the alternative isn't an option. It's been six months for me and after three different grief support groups I know the "drill". We will all make it through this terrible time. The problem is staying positive through the long days and nights and having others around that understand the pain we are going through. We must do the hard "work" ourselves. I am new to DS and this forum has helped me tremendously. Love, Joette
|
|
|
|
||
| First | Previous | Page: 1 2 | Next | Most Recent | Add Your Reply |
