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This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life aft...
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The Second Choice
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If the first choice upon finding ourselves in the raw pain of losing the love of our life is to allow all of our feelings (or lack of them) and emotions, and we allow the waves of grief to rise and fall without criticizing ourselves for how long....for as long as it takes us....and until....
And we decide to fall into our grief in whatever way we must to fully face the wound and we put one foot in front of the other until it goes from unbearable to bearable. If we nurture ourselves and treat ourselves with the same love and care that we would treat any loved one especially the very one that loved us that we lost.... If we fully face the first choice until the waves of grief have taken us to the depths of our soul and we begin to see that there still is a world...even, yes, one that we do not want, one that we did not choose, one that is not fair and never will be, but the one that we now have, then (I think) we will some day be ready for the second choice. The Second Choice takes as long or less, or longer than the first choice. I believe that the second choice is: TO LIVE. We can choose to slowly fade away and wilt, or we can choose to live. Hopefully we have been putting one foot in front of the other and forcing ourselves to move forward, as painful as that is. Some people will stay in the first choice for years and years and possibly forever. I feel like eventually we have to decide our own value, our own worth. If we believe that our only value is what our lost love valued in us and without them we are no more that person, we do not give them enough credit. They obviously saw something in us that even we may not have seen in ourselves. Perhaps we saw something in them that the entire world did not see, but we did. Whether you believe that you are a child of God or not, either way you are a Precious Child on the inside. There was a time that you did live and yes even before you met the love of your life. You are that Precious Child still except better. You now have the knowledge and wisdom that your lost love gave to you. Some people live an entire lifetime and never experience real love. If you experienced it, you have been blessed. I hear some people explaining that they spent 20,30,40.50 years with the love of their life. I feel like they are luckier than me as I was only able to be with the love of my life for 12 years. I could say that it was not fair or that my grief would be less because of that, but losing the love of your life, is losing the love of your life. If I could have had eternity with anyone else or one year with the love of my life, my dear husband..I would choose one year with my husband. He helped make me whole and is so much a part of who I am that I still feel his presence in every breath I take and everything that I do. If you do not know how to make the second choice, there are many grief counselors out there, some you pay for, some are free. I choose to live by breathing, by putting nourishing things in my body. By allowing myself to sleep when I can. By pampering myself. By talking to others who understand what I am going through. By exercising a little more and a little more each day. Walking around the house for five minutes a day is living more than sitting on a couch 24 hours a day. I choose to live by not sitting by that phone expecting everyone else to make that choice to call me and feeling sad because no one seems to care, but by making those phone calls myself. I choose to live by thinking of things that I used to enjoy or things that I might enjoy and "faking it until it feels right," and I see a ray of sunshine. The second choice is not easy. I hope you make it someday, some how. Until then, please keep putting one foot in front of the other because even if you do not realize how precious you are to you and to the world, you are precious to us. Many hugs to you... -Diana Posted on 11/05/09, 05:11 am |
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Well said! Thank you! Im not even close to being there but E loved me for my positive and upbeat attitude.(para 8). I will be able to move on because of who I am and who E helped me to become. 
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So well said. I have been Steve's wife for so long I am not or was not sure I could be Diane any more. But I am learning to find her a little more each day. FOr the past 30 years I have either been Steve's wife or someone's mother. I have to find out who Diane is again. Thank you for reminding me she is still there under the grief and confusion and can be the strong and independent woman he feel in love with.
Love and hugs, Diane
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Diana, you really said it all. Like you, I did not have all that many years with my husband - 10+ together, and then 4+ years of his being in an assisted living facility, but I can tell you I treasured every minute of those years, and never took any of them for granted. I lived for those days when I could go out to visit him and just spend time with him, talking, walking the grounds, etc. I made up my mind right after he died to move forward, always forward. At 11 months out from his death I can't say I am really thrilled with my situation, but I can find lots of things in my life to be happy about. As a believer I feel that God has a plan for me for the rest of my life. I have absolutely no idea what that plan is yet, but I just keep following the arrows, moving ahead, knowing that I carry the love and wonderfull memories of husband with me. Thank you for sharing your insights. laurabp
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Thank you for the encouragement. Choosing to live is a difficult thing to do, especially in the society we live in. I have had people tell me I need to have my medication increased because I am sad and I cry.
Prior to my husband's death, I had to choose to live because I suffered from severe depression and even with medication, sometimes clouds would gather around me. Having him in my life was such a blessing. When he died, for 2 weeks, my sons would not allow me to drive because they were concerned I would try to hurt myself. If I did leave before they could stop me, they called me to make certain I was coming back alive. I explained to them, I would not dishonor the years I spent with their father learning how to choose life by hurting myself. Don't get me wrong, thoughts always pop in my head and I have gone back into therapy to be on the safe side. My husband loved being alive and I will choose life no matter how difficult it is for as long as I am here.
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Beautifully said Diana!!! I couldn't agree more. These are very wise words, my friend. Thanks for sharing them.
The choice to go on is the toughest choice I have ever made but I did it to honor Tom and the love we shared. Hugs, Barb
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Diana,
What powerful statements. Thank you for all of that. I'm working on it and have printed this out so I can have it with me when I need the push to continue on the path to living the best that I can. Thank you so much for the wonderful words of wisdom. Hugs, Gloria
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working on that...it is getting a little better each day. An occasional pot hole on the road to living again, but I now know I will be ok and I am alive. Nothing defines “life” like “death” does.
Thanks for the posting. Sabine
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Your posts always reveal a great amount of insight and this one is no different. It does seem that after the intense pain and after our brains begin functioning again that there is a lot we can learn by these horrible experiences.
It will be a year for me three days after Christmas and right now, I feel like I am approaching a "crossroad". Gradually, I feel I am returning to the person I was before I married my husband. I'm feeling more confident in making decisions--I never realized how dependent I had become on him. Maybe in some ways this is a good thing, but I will always remember how good it felt to have someone by my side that truly cared. We always tried to make each other's life easier and I will miss that. Don't know what's ahead (no one does) but I will try to continue on and be reasonably happy and I do believe that is a choice. At the same time, I recognize there will still be sad times but I won't let that discourage me. I think we can all achieve peace and some happiness and I think it is important to think about that even in the beginning of our grief. If we believe we can never be happy again, it may take a lot longer to pull through this grieving process. I
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Diana. . .that was so well written and from your heart too. Thank you for making us aware of the best alternative that we have and that is to live. We have to play the hand we have been dealt and our partners would want us to be happy. Good luck to you as you move forward with your soulmate on your shoulder watching and guiding you. Shirley
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Diana, thank you for the encouraging insights shared in your thread. You are correct: we need to reach out in our pain instead of shrinking within. Not easy, as you stated, but well worth the results in due time. Blessings to you for your courage. TJ
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