Widows & Widowers Support Group

My two sisters were with me when we said goodbye to Frank, they drove me home after and my older sister called the funeral home and both went with me to set everything up and handled most of the letting people know, a few friends called often but to be honest after the memorial I was pretty much left alone, if I needed help or anything I was told to just call, thats not a easy thing to do when grieving and raising a child who is also grieving not to mention my husbands dog who became very hard to handle for awhile, he was grieving as well..
I do feel I was left by almost everyone, even lost a close friend who just didn't know how to be one when I was grieving.

I was very fortunate. I had great friends would always seem to know when I need them the most. My sisters have been great too. But the most would have to be my daughter. She has grown nto such a beautiful women I just can't believe we made her. I am so thankful to so many people in the beginning. But I will say I am very disappointed in the church we had attended for years.

I really know I could not have done this without my freinds and my daughter.

Love and hugs,

Diane

I cannot say I got the kind of help that you hear you are supposed to get. Being a mid-life marriage, (2nd for me, 1st for him), his family was never really very friendly toward me, and his friends were nice, but they were HIS friends, and I didn't get to know them very well, so while I did get a lot of support from everyone during the week of his death and funeral, after that, everybody just sort of dropped out of sight. He belonged to a different church, so the same was true of the pastor - very nice, but not someone I was really close to, and my own church was not really there for me either. Outside of my grown daughter from a former marriage, who was/is very supportive, I was, and continue to be pretty much on my own. I have since changed churches, though for reasons that had nothing to do with being widowed, and my new church is a warm, welcoming place which has helped. The other big help has been this site where I have found a lot of support and comfort. laurabp

My family, his family and friends were great. It seemed like someone would call or visit at just the right moment. My daughter and oldest son were also my support. My youngest son, who worked with his dad every day for 8 years, has his own grieving and the stress now of continuing, so I didn't talk much to him. But he moved in with me and that has been a blessing. My wonderful sister was the best, she spent many nights with me, talking to me til late and was just the greatest. I would not be here without her and the others.

But like Diane, the church family disappointed me. They have been absent, no calls, visits, just cards. Cards are nice, but you can't cry with them.

At 3 months, most of the calls/visits have left up. We have more illness to deal with, so I make the calls now and no one has been less than supportive to me.

I ahve also been reading books on grieving, that helps. The bereavement group is kind of so/so.

But what has helped me the most is DS. I find that reading others thoughts/problems/comments is the most useful. It helps me understand, be not alone and get up everyday and do something. If it's only one thing, it's something. Thank you all.

To start off with, I had two co-workers show up at my house right after the paramedics left, I wasn't even sure how they heard about it but they were there at just the right time. They called my sister and Ted's brothers and sisters, I don't know how I would have been able to tell any of them what happened over the phone. That was a big help. I only have one sibling, my sister who is l0 years older than me. She came and stayed day and night for almost a week and then came to spend the nights with me for a couple of months. She went everywhere with me that first week to take care of all those things you don't really want to deal with, arrangements at the funeral home, insurance, social secuity, banking, you name it. Also very helpful was my manager from the bank branch I worked at and a manager from another branch. They knew what had to be done here at my home to prepare for all the company and visitors that would be by in the first few days and after the service. They took care of organizing and preparing all the food and essentials. My neighbor across the street who I didn't really know all that well took charge of all the food that the neighbors prepared for me. All of this seems really basic but it came from people I didn't know would do so much for me and at a time when I really needed the help.

His parents, our pastor and 2 other friends came to the hospital at 3 in the morning when everything happened. After that, we left and went home. Our church delivered one meal to our home and that was it. We were alone until my mother flew in that night. I am very dissappointed in our church because we have been members for 13 years. Everyone kept telling his parents how sorry they are and delivering food to their house. They joke with me about how much they had left over and couldn't finish it all, but didn't offer any of it to me & our two girls.
His blood brother set everything up as far as the service and helping me with the details. His other brother (closest friend, like a brother) is the only one that will call to see how I am doing still to this day, almost 2 months later, will bring me anything that I need and also his parents who hubby was also close to. They have invited me to go to events at their church and have been more of a family to me than my inlaws. This whole experience has opened my eyes as to who truly cares.
I did feel abandoned, not only by my husband passing, but also by everyone but 2 people that were closest to hubby. That was the biggest shock of all.

I have a awesome girlfriend that helped me tremendously. She was and still is my lifeline. My first day back to work was so hard. She called and said that this day is over and I made it. Then she took me on a cruise just to get away for a while. She always knew when to leave me alone and when to just be there. Our Pastor was with Dan when he died and he has been so supportive. I really can't say that I was alone or disappointed in anything. Just blessed.

What a good thread TJ - very helpful for reflection and also something, at least for me, to be so thankful for. I was so greatful for the quiet help of church friends and family. My elder sister came and stayed for a few days or a week (I cannot remember - as you said, you're rather robotic) just for company and to assist. There was a roster of church ladies who cooked for us for ages and they were so sensitive, they just left to the food at the door, or brought it on Sunday to church for me to take home. Lovely Christian neighbours also made cakes and desserts and left them at the door. The funeral was huge and all the ladies cooked and after the coffin had left everyone cleared the seating and laid out tables and a finger-food lunch. We have been so blessed with friends and sensitive help that it still brings tears of humility to my eyes - how many tears can a man cry? John

TJ - a thoughtful thread, and one that makes me remember those who were there for me. I closed our business only for one day - it was July 4th weekend in my resort community. What I got? Hugs, friends just grasping my hand - unspoken and spoken love - my employees rallying around me. At home - 2 neighbors (I'm in a townhouse) where I could literally knock on the door, sit and cry. Friends, who I could phone and say, "just talk to me", and we would. Joe's kids, 3000 miles away, here with me when he died, sharing our grief. A customer, a fellow widow, who I barely knew, coming in to hug me and give me words of comfort. I remember her to this day. Like you, I was functioning, but it was robotic, indeed. Oh, and my retired Secret Service customer/friend who got up at 4 a.m. 3 times a week to help me bake, plus Pastor Joe (not my pastor, but helping me bake) who did the same. I remember calling him from hospice - will you come help, I said? I'm already there, he answered. G-d love these people.. thank you for letting me remember them. Hugs, Marsha

My whole family was there for me and still are. My younger sister flew down immediately by herself from Kentucky and my older sister drove in the middle of the night to come and see us. Even our neighbors brought us food immediately and after the service the ladies auxillary from my parents church prepared a huge lunch for everyone to eat. My childrens friends came and stayed the whole week with us and spent the night with them so they wouldn't feel alone in the house. I remember at the wake, my sons 3 good friends just sat there waiting for everyone to leave and then for my son to say goodbye to his dad. I was very touched by that. Being with my immediate family the whole week was very theraputical and I got to spend alone time with each one to talk about Danny about what a wonderful person he was. We feel very blessed to have a close family.