Widows & Widowers Support Group

I don't want to be alone, but I feel right now at this point in my life I couldn't be as happy with anyone else like I was with Dan. But...then I think I'm 60, who'd want me anyway. Then I think, I was with Dan for 26 years and I don't feel there is anyone that could take his place. Then I think...people don't treat me the same since I'm without Dan. I always feel alone...yet a lot I don't want to be with other people. I have a very close male friend/companion but I don't know if I could ever live with him. I've heard of people my age finding others, but so far I'm still miss Dan too much.

At alomost 3 months, I have no idea where I'm going. I always said if anything happened to Dick, I would never remarry. I never thought I could love anyone else. Never trust anyone else. We basically grew up together and I trusted him completely. We had a great relationship, but we had also gone thru at lot together, good and bad times, children, homes, jobs, money problems. We did it all together, pulled together for OUR family.

Now, I don't think I want to spend whatever time, how ever long that may be, alone. But going into a relationship now has a whole new set of issues at this age than when I was younger. Trust being the important one for me. Could I trust someone to have my well being in their hands? I know of women that remarried later in life and have had it pretty rough with the new husbands, finances being one of their problems. His money and her money, his property, her property. Also, there are the pasts to deal with, other children, exes, so forth. From those that I have observed, men usually walk away from their own children and family when they remarry, attaching themselves to the next wifes family and I would not want to be part of that either.

It terrifies me just thinking about it all. My dad died when I was 6, my husband's dad died when he was 11. So we both grew up in households with single moms that remarried at some time, my mom was single 20 years, his - 3 years. It's not easy either way.

I have no plans. It's closing on only 3 months for me. I'm 60. My husband was 51. If it happens, it happens, but I'll not be expecting it or looking for a new mate. I do however, get very anxious and scared when I think of the future. Monetarily, I know it will be grim, but what I'm afraid of is my health. I've been putting off a hip replacement for 4 years now, and I hope I can put it off for the rest of my life. But my two sisters are older, 70 & 72. One winters in Florida. My son is 500 miles away. If I had to have a major surgery, I don't know what I'd do. I've got two little dogs I have to think about too. None of these things were a concern when my husband was alive and well. Now, it's scarier than hell. I try not to think about it, and I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to start over AGAIN at my age. It's a quandary.

I don't plan on staying alone. After my husband died and I met Bobby he showed me that there is "Life after Death" and it was wonderful. The closeness and companionship was great. We did lots of things together and enjoyed each other company. Now, with Bobby gone...I don't know....I had that special feeling for both of these men. they were my soul mates.....I'd have to have that same feeling again before I'd end up with someone else. Right now, I don't see that happening......and I'm in no hurry looking for anyone. Bobby's family didn't know about me too much, so I don't have that closeness there. I know God has a plan for me and we'll just have to wait and see what that is......till then I'll still be alone...........Jenny

I just lost my husband a little less than three months ago. My husband was ill for 8 years and critically ill for 18 months. You can never say never but I honestly do not believe that I will ever have a relationship. My husband and I discussed this several times, and I told him that God blessed me the day he came into my life; and our memories will carry me through we are together again. I honestly don't believe that anyone else would measure up and that just wouldn't be fair to the other person. As I tell family and friends, I am not scared of being alone or lonely -- it's just that a part of me died with my husband; and I miss him terribly. He was truly the love of my life and my soul mate. I have friends who have remarried, and I am so happy for them. As we all note on this site, we are all different. We grieve individually and we grow individually. That's what makes this site so helpful. I visit each and every day. Not many can relate to our journey of grief.

I just turned 64 and it has been 4 plus years for me. I have run many scenarios through my mind regarding another relationship, whether it be just a companion/friendship or remarriage. It depends on what day and hour you approach me with the question. It's such a daunting commitment and with each day that passes, I'm not sure if being alone versus a relationship would be worth the chance: family, health, and/or financial issues. As stated in a previous reply above, when you have history with someone and it has been a trustworthy and fulfilling relationship; well, I'm not sure how willing I would be to open myself up to possibly a bad experience, disappointment, or hurt.

I mentioned in another thread that I have dated a few times and found that I was not ready to continue a committed relationship. The gentlemen were very clear in their goals: remarriage (they were both widowers). I did not want to waste their time when I was obviously not ready for anything of that magnitude. Maybe time will bring me to another way of looking at it, and I will become more comfortable with future relationships. It would be wonderful to share my life with someone that has the same values and goals for family, etc., but it petrifies at this point.

If God has someone with whom I would share my future, I definitely would not want to slam the door. I pray that He would gingerly guide me through the my self-made obstacles.

Thank you for the many interesting discussion topics that you propose.

I could never love anyone but my David we were together 36 years he will always be a part of me I could never give my heart to anyone else
I will always love him it is a personal choice But not for me that is .
Good luck
Carolyn

I don't know if I'll be able to find someone else who'll put up with me!! I don't even know what I think. I know that I loved being married - but to Joe. It's him I miss, not the institution, per se. I'm 53, kind of a between and betwixt stage. I get lonely, but I don't mind being alone - I like my own company (most of the time). It all just seems kind of alien-like right now to even think about sharing my life - plus, I'm feeling a little selfish about doing what I want, when I want. And who's to say a second soulmate is out there anyway? If I look (if and when I'm ever ready) and don't find, then how is that going to make me feel? My expectations have got to be about myself, and for myself. So, yes, right now I'm traveling the same highway as you, Laura - Hugs, Marsha

I tend to have mixed feelings on the subject. The times that I spend alone is when I start to think it would be nice to have a companion to go places with, have dinner with just to have conversation with. Then when I am with people doing things and getting out I think no the love I had with Lance will get me through until I get to the other side. I miss being married too but......when I think about it, it is Lance that I miss being married to. So at this time in my life, I don't have any plans on remarrying. I am learning to like my own company like Marsha said. I can come and go when I please, and am getting back into some of my old hobbies for the time being. I will never say never, but on the other hand I haven't gone looking either. Only God knows what the future holds. For now my focus is still on my daughter and son and helping them to heal as well. I had a discussion with my daughter just last night, some of the things she said let me know that it isn't just me, they are still trying to process this too.

For now I will continue to just be me.

I still feel married to my husband & I can't see myself ever being with another. He was the love of my life. His friend said to me one day "You're young & attractive & you'll meet someone else" (I'm 49) I was appalled & found his remark very disturbing. To me it seemed to insinuate that that's what all women do: Latch onto a man so they will be supported & taken care of. Well I don't do that. I married my best friend & money never entered my mind. It was always a two-way street with us. We supported & helped each other. My husband is not replaceable like a toaster or a car.
If I do meet someone else, it will not be because I am looking for a replacement. I think I will always love & be in love with my husband because he is such a big part of who I still am today.