Widows & Widowers Support Group

I think Martha and Lori are right. I don't think you are ready to take on the task of quitting right now. Not in addition to everything else you're having to deal with. That's the first thing that crossed my mind after my husband died is that I should probably quit smoking too but then I told myself - no I can't handle that right now, I need them to get me through this. And it seemed like I smoked twice as many as I should have and told myself it was okay because if anything happened because of that I would get to be with him quicker. There's a time and a place for everything and I don't think now is the time to try to stop something that is so very hard to do (in the best of circumstances) as quitting smoking. You can do that further down the road when you begin to heal whenever that comes and it will one day. Give yourself permission to do whatever you have to do to get through this, right now you are your main priority. And if having that cigarette is what you need to do then go for it and don't be so hard on yourself. You're not being weak - you are putting yourself first where you should be.
And I do get the feelings you're having about others not noticing how you're feeling on the inside. No one understands this unless they've been through it. And somehow they just don't know...but we do and we're all here for you any time of the day or night. Hang in there, you're doing the best you can do and that's all you can ask of yourself until you're strong enough to do any more. Many, many hugs, Judi

I too am very saddened you have to go through this experience. There is a saying in another self-help group I've been in over a decade, "First things first." Perhaps now is not the best time to try and quit smoking. The first week after my husband died I could barely eat anything. When I started to get my appetite back I tried to resist it so I could lose some weight. It wasn't a good idea, at least not for me. So I have put on a few pounds, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. First I'm going to try and get emotionally and spiritually back into shape, then I'll work on physical fitness.
I also want to add I have heard of some really bad reactions to that drug Chantix taken to help stop smoking. They experienced extreme agitation, anxiety, anger, and aggression. It takes at least 4 days to exit your system, so be careful in case that is offered to you.
Keep close to this site, as we do understand and care, Amy

Hey girl,
I am sorry you are going through this. You sound just like I did and I truly feel for you. I was 44 when I lost my fiance in a vehicle accident 5 months before our wedding day on my 45 b-day. He was 47 and died alone. I just turned 50 and was sad because he never had the chance but put on the 'ritz' because "you have to have a 50th b-day party". People just want you to be 'better' and its not because they don't care about you. there is not a thing anyone can say to you right now. every time i think about quitting, i think, i cannot go through the loss of my other best friend! this would have exacerbated things for me; maybe it is for you too. Please stay in touch and please go to a support group or get grief counseling. We all need it at some point. also, see my blog at http://www.thealchemyofpain.blogsp... also, remember that grieving a sudden death is a lot harder than having time to spend with your loved one at the end. it is truly probably one of the most monumental events you will have to get through so be your own best friend and get some help. we are here for you too.
Judy

p.s. i too thought to myself "I am not young enough or old enough to get through this". but we have too, especially you have a daughter. don't expect her to 'understand' but be grateful that she does not.

I am soo sorry and know what you are going through. The first 3 weeks after George passed, I didn't do anything! I stayed on the couch and when I tried to do something, anxiety and guilt became too much to bear. It wasn't until I made myself "get" busy, that I seen a subtle change in the way I was handling this grief... I can tell you this -- you need to take care of yourself. If you need "shut down" time, take it. If your not feeling like having company, its ok to say - not today, its about you now... Baby steps... Ride that tidal wave of grief because its the only way to get through this and unfortunately theres no easy way. You are much stronger than you think -- hang in there and know that we are always here to listen and be there for you . Hugs and prayers to you... Kim

Hi Mary,
I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly and wish I could express to you that I am currently going through the same exact feelings. I know it isn't much comfort to you, but it's true.
I wasn't going to mention the 'giving up the cigs' at this time might not be a good thing, because I didn't want to interfere with your quitting, but it could be a part of what is making you feel this way....or not. Like I said, I have been feeling the same way and I smoke!
It's just like a nasty roller coaster that we need to get off of, but nobody will stop it. It just keeps going and going, making us feel worse. I also feel that as time moves on, I am missing Rich more and more. I suppose this is natural, but not very comforting.
No one who has not been through this will ever understand completely what we are feeling, so try not to rely on those people. Come be with us, because we all understand and care for you deeply. Love & prayers to you always, Mo

Everyone I appreciate you all I really do and I hate feeling like this and in time I know it will ease up and at times I know its gonna tear me down again and again. My Life is nothing without Ken because he was the one who truly listened to my heart and took me for who I am as I took him for who he was. I ache so badly and still just want to crawl under a rock and disappear but I know that's too easy and Ken would be so disappointed in me right now for thinking this way.

There were times when I was feeling like you do right now that I could hear Cliff's voice in my head saying, "It's not like you to give up like this." Eventually I decided I wouldn't give up. I adopted Tom Petty's song "I Won't Back Down" as my own personal anthem. Sometimes you get through just on sheer stubbornness, and that's okay too. Different things work for different people and at different times - each phase of grieving seems to require a different set of coping mechanisms. I wish there was one magic thing that would do it all. That would have been so nice. But you will find the things that help, and you will make it through this, honest. And we will all help you as best we can. Much Love and Hugs, Martha

I am so sorry for your loss. Anyone who loses a spouse is in for a long and painful ride.

Your story sounds so much like mine did. I went to work and home, only to lock myself in my room, no tv, no music, no phone, no nothing. Didn'nt want to see, hear or speak to anyone, just in my room, by myself, to think and feel all the pain and lonliness.

I was married to a wonderful man for 42 years,he was my rock and soulmate, married at 15, had 3 beautiful children.

When he passed, I had the luck of having a daughter that thought nothing of sitting with me all day to talk, laugh and cry. For starters, I needed that. She was the only one who would do it. My sons did not want to face the full impact of their loss, so they refused to talk about him for more than 10 mins. at any given time. But, it is so true, Time heals all wounds. It has been 13 yrs now and I still miss him terribly. It took 8 of those 13 yrs to finally come to terms with the loss and the fact, that he was not coming back.

For you, I say, take it one day at a time. Working for me was my salvation, it kept me busy till I got home.

Your time will come too. Take care of yourself and rest assured, there is light at the end of that tunnel. I know!! Sincerely Esther

Hi Suddenly Alone
Unsure where to begin. Your initial message to me, sounded like you were severely depressed. I certainly can't blame you. I recall back in 11/08 when Jerry passed it was a real effort just to get out of bed. So I can and do empathize with you.
I am so glad there is this support group here. I don't expect others who never experienced what we've gone through to understand. OTOH I think it would be quite unusual not to feel the way we do. Please excuse me if this sounds trite. I keep remembering a lyric of a Evelyn "Champagne" King song. "I can't help the way that I feel." The title escapes me. Right now my eyes are tearing as I miss my hubby of 20 good years.
I am sorry your daughter doesn't understand. At least we do.
Unsure about quitting cigs since I never smoked. So I can't suggest what to do there. Hope you can make a decision that feels right for you. I am lucky to know family and friends who are sympathetic. When I really new in my grieving, (less than 30 days) I saw a bumper sticker that said " Please excuse me for mistaking me for someone who gives a damn." Okay I knew it wasn't meant for me personally. My point is not everyone cares.
However there are those that do and I include everybody here&me
mugwort