Widows & Widowers Support Group

I am sorry that you have to go through all of this unwanted feelings and emotions. It is bad enough that we have to cope with the loneliness and the grief. No one said it was going to be easy, but then again no one said it was going to be this hard.
Look at me, I almost smile and try to move forward and as soon as I started going through his clothes I lost it again. It has been 9 months and at the beginning it was hell. I too welcomed death, because of the simple reason of wanting to see him and hold him again. Also thinking that I have sooooo many years to go without him made it even more unbearable.
The only thing I can say is take it slow and try to trick your brain by keeping busy. Do not let yourself go into the dark tunnel, but I know there are times when that is all we know. Life is life and we have to live with what comes our way . . . Unfortunately. Stay strong, and if it is too much to bear, do not be afraid to seek out help. I wish words were the magic potion, but for now time and baby steps will have to do.

I've found over the months that this is a stage of grief as well. That sounds so clinical, and I don't mean it to be so. For me, when this feeling overtakes me, it's a lack of motivation, of interest in anything. I think, and hope, it's my brain telling me it's in "shut down" phase - to just take it easy for a bit. It's horrible, I know, it's almost worse than the grief waves. When it comes, I just try to take it easy on myself - Hugs, Marsha

When you feel like you describe and you can't even get out of bed, then stay in bed. Grab a cup of coffee and some cheese and crackers if you like, and pamper yourself.
I have had those days, and you will find others have to. It's called missing your love, being lonely, being scared, and a multitude of other emotions that just shuts you down.
Rest and feel better soon, I pray, that tomarrow will be a little better. If you have someone and you want to call, do it. If you want to be alone, do that. It's about you, right now. Take care of yourself and remember I care. Sharon

Yes, it's the grief taking its toll, but I also think it's the fact that you've quit smoking. The patch doesn't replace all of the nicotine you were getting beforehand, so you're going through withdrawal. There are times when taking meds makes sense; this is one of them. I would urge you to contact your doctor to get a mild anti-depressant to get through the early weeks of quitting. Your chances of quitting are much higher if you use the patch in conjunction with medication, like Wellbutrin. It won't completely zone you out or numb all your emotions, just give you a little help with the anxiety and depression. I'm not downplaying your grief or dismissing how pointless life may seem right now for you - far, far from it - I know exactly how that feels. I'm just saying that it's being compounded by the anxiety and depression that come from smoking cessation - it's a double-whammy. Either alone is hard, the two together are SUPER hard. Please, give your doctor a call. Love and Hugs, Martha

I can't think, I can't concentrate, I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone around me.

I feel like I just can't take this anymore. not suicidal, just soooo want to run away, just start driving, and never come back, i feel like nothing matters. especially me.

I was crying a lot over the past few days, now i ain't even doing that, i just feel so empty. I just feel so useless. not even that, i really just don't feel anything at all.
just empty, void, listless, invisible, don't care about anything. i just want everyone to shut up, except no one is talking.

and nobody has even noticed. you would think with the outgoing personality i have, and always busting my ass to please everyone, someone would notice that there is something wrong. nothing, i tried to talk to my daughter, but she just said, 'well, Mommy, you can't let yourself get that way'... OH! ok, then, silly me.

Who am I Kidding I am not okay I don't have the answers and right now I wish I would just Vanish and nobody is hurt by it. I don't wanna be here without my incredible partner he was the reason life was so good but now without him no one could careless about me anymore all they care for is what I can do to help them and then I am nothing again.

I understand. I was where you are. You just want to get away from it - run or drive as far away from it all as possible only you can't. You have to be responsible. You want someone to take care of you, but your kids want you to "be strong Mom" - I got that a lot. You're not really suicidal but you can't find a reason to keep living - you don't want to die, you just want to find an answer to the question "Why am I still here if he's gone?" You're cried out and you're numb and exhausted with it. I felt like I went totally insane and had a breakdown and nobody noticed. Like you, I was an outgoing person and more and more I withdrew. Didn't anybody notice I was caving in and falling apart? I wanted a stunt-double so somebody else could live this life I was stuck with that I sure as hell didn't ask for and sure as hell didn't want. I was always the person with the great head for details, yet I was walking around in a constant fog - I called it "Swiss Cheese Brain" because it seemed like there were holes in my memory.

It's not going to seem like it, but it WILL get better. It won't get better in big chunks at first, only in small steps. It is going to take some time. Be patient with yourself, be gentle with yourself. Keep posting, keep talking, keep journalling. Cry when you have to. Get angry when you have to. Get counseling if you can, it's okay to need help. We all do. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Sending Much Love and Hugs, Martha

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and that this has happened to you. I too lost my Robert in March of this year. It is tough and everyone grieves in their own way and time.It's difficult to say what to do. Meds helped me in the beginning because the anxiety was overwhelming.I did keep moving one reason is because I had no choice. Sometimes you try to have to push yourself for others. Your beautiful dauaghter in your photo album. Your lovely grandson. I know it is hard, but they need you too. Try and take baby steps to get through this. My prayers are with you. Christine

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now; we all seem to do this up and down thing. Just when we think we are doing better, we crash again...and again.......but we still keep going. I think Martha made a very good point about the combination of your trying to stop smoking at a time when you are already upset with the grief. Maybe your doctor could help with that. It's all about you now; you need to take of yourself before you can take care of anybody else. I hope you will feel even a little bit better soon. laurabp

Well I bought a stinking pack of cigs a few minutes ago and I smoked one now feeling nauseated and I have not had the patch on 2 days now thought I was done with these . I don't need to start again but maybe people are right maybe I quit too soon Dammit I hate this feeling I wish I had to guts to end it all but I don't.

I am so sorry you are having a tough time right now but I agree with Martha. It probably is a combination of grief and quitting smoking. My sister in law felt depressed and suicidal when she tried to quit smoking too. And she is usually a very rational person. You need to get help and fast. Dont let this eat you up, you can beat this. Luv and hugs, Lori