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This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life aft...
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I am posting this more as a suggestion than as a request for advice.
First off, if you have not figured it out by now, I am Jewish, and moreover, I am a religous Jew. This means that Sabbath, or Shabbat as we call it, plays an important role in our lives. Every Shabbat, Friday night and Saturday afternoon, is a time when families come together over meals. The meals incorporate both formal ritual and casual dining. In my particular situation, I am alone. My children and stepchildren are grown and away from home most of the time. My honey is gone. It is just me. And so, Shabbat alone is not good. After my honey died, many of my friends and acquaintances in my community said to me, "You are always welcome to join us anytime you want/need to. Our door is always open to you." What a nice gesture! However, it is one that puts the onus of being invited on ME. And I am quite uncomfortable every week calling and asking to join a family for a meal. There WILL be times when they cannot be so gracious -- and for valid reasons. But inevitably it puts us both in an awkward position. And thus, I hit upon the perfect response. Whenever someone would tell me that I am always welcome, I would thank them and say how much I really appreciate that. I would then elaborate and explain my discomfort with calling and why. I would tell them that if they would like my company on any given Shabbat meal, to call or email me and invite me for a specific date. If I have no other plans I will gladly accept as I would love to join them and their family, and to enjoy their hospitality. This works. In fact, one woman, Pat, I will call her, calls me EVERY week to invite me. It means SO MUCH to me that she does that. I have told her that too. She calls me every week, and I always respond to her. Sometimes I have other plans, and other times I join her and her family. So, I thought to share this with this group as this solution might be helpful to those of you who are alone and who would love to be with others for meals but who feel as I do about self inviting. Love and hugs to all, Rachel Posted on 07/01/09, 07:07 pm |
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Rachel,
You are very smart, I would never have thought to respond that way. I normally don't say anything, especially when people say if there's anything I can do, just call. I know this is only a statement people make when they don't know quite what to say, (I guess) I think it is similar to our familiar greeting of asking how someone is doing. However, in your situation your friend is sincere and it is wonderful to have a friend like her. It is very hard to get through these times and even the smallest amount of kindness extended by someone makes a big difference. I have an 80 yr. old neighbor who recently became widowed and she has phoned me several times to ask how I was. I think the advice you gave here may help some of us in our responses to friends and family. 
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Hi Rachel - That's a great way to handle it. You're right....the self-inviting can be pretty awkward, and your way gives others your acceptance of their generosity and gives them control over the timing. Love it!
Hugs, Judy
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I used a similar response when my best friend and her husband (he was my husband's best friend, too) mentioned that I should call anytime I wanted to join them for lunch or dinner. I asked that they please be more specific...that I would be uncomfortable being the one setting it up.
So now they say "let's get together in the next week...and you let us know which day and time is best for you". It"s working much better, I think. I'm so glad your friend is so caring. I have friends in my life that are especially supportive. We are truly blessed. Thanks for the wonderful post. Please take care, Sue
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