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Coping with guilt when your loved one dies suddenl
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My darling husband died of a massive heart attack a month ago. Though he suffered with high blood pressure and raised cholesterol, he was on medication. We had modified our diet to low fat and he was a physically very active and seemingly fit man. I am feeling guilty that I didn't realise what could result from his health issues and feel that I should have done more - he hated doctors, pills and anything to do with medicine and had to be dragged to the surgery. I feel that, as his wife, I should have taken better care of him and realised that, as his mother died young, he was at high risk. I will never stop regretting that I did'nt do more and so still have him with me.
How do I cope with this sense of guilt? Posted on 06/30/09, 03:06 am |
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I think everyone here on DS and on earth have regrets/guilt regarding a loved one. Our is magnified because we can no longer fix the situation or make it better. Our chance to re-do/fix is gone and we will never get the opportunity back. It is perfectly natural to feel the way you feel, and you will probably always have this nasty feeling in your heart and stomach. You have just lost your love and all these thoughts are fresh in your mind. It has been 9 months for me and I too had tons of guilt (since the beginning of our relationship to his last breathe on the hospital bed). The DIFFERENCE now is that the happy memories and the way he was are on the forefront of my thoughts. I smile when I listen to songs, before I sobbed. I tortured myself (not willingly of course) with those same thoughts you had. It gets better. One last thing, if I may, your husband was a big boy and he also had responsibility in his health. We can't go back only forward, go through your emotions but please also focus on the good. Stay strong : ). 
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Hello. You certainly are not alone in this boat!! I deal with not only being his wife but I am also a nurse, so I have had some guilt feelings about my husband dying at 44 of a heart attack that at times just consume me and makes me feel like I will go out of my mind. He was physically fit, hypertension well controlled and his cholesterol and triglyceride levels had improved drastically, he had quite smoking and 5 months before he so unexpectedly died he had a complete physical.....but even with all of this I think I should have seen warning signs and done more. Don't even get me going about the guilt I feel about doing CPR on him without success. Bottom line for us is that we could not control genetics and that plays a huge role and could not have been altered by anything we could have done even if we could have seen into the future. I tell myself all of the time that Ty would be heart-broken if he knew I blamed myself. I guess we just have to try to cut ourselves some slack(so easy to write, so hard to do)and carry on the best we can :) Take care.
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I think when you love someone, all you ever really want for them is to be well. This doesn't stop after they're gone because we're still here, still love them & still want what we always wanted for them -To be well. It never ends because our love for them lives on.
I lost my husband 3 months ago to Cholangiocarcinoma. He wanted to live so badly & fought hard right to the end. Suffered all sorts of discomfort & harsh treatments in an effort to just keep living. Alas, the cancer was just too powerful. Still, I can't help reliving it all in my head & trying to find ways to make him well.. It's what I wanted for him.. & still do.
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