Widows & Widowers Support Group

You are dealing with an issue that has haunted me as well. My wife passed away in February from hypertensive cardiovascular disease. I too, got her to go to the doctor (high-blood pressure med), and mentioned frequently the benefits of exercise and proper diet, but ultimately, every decision that our spouses made was entirely up to them. I don't believe there is an easy/quick answer to this because it involves accepting the fact that our spouses were closer to the end than we could have possibly known and it just seems too early for that to have been true. My wife even had extensive tests performed in a hospital to check for breathing, cardiovascular, etc. problems just a year and a half before she passed away and they had found nothing, yet I still blamed myself because I knew that high-blood pressure, stress, etc. were dangerous. Why didn't I do more to help relieve her stress? When I had a bad day, why did I have to bring it home? There are hundreds of things I can think of now, but none of them can help my wife at this point. All I can do is apply them in my life going forward, but if I am confronted with a similar situation in the future, I know that there is no gaurantee that I won't have regrets over "more" things I could have done. What I'm trying clumsily to say is that I believe no matter what you would have done, you still would find fault with yourself somehow. You are not alone in those feelings, this is just a normal part of the grieving process. Anyone who truly loved their spouse is in no way responsible for what happened. We didn't want this. Of course we would have done more had we known exactly what to do. Think of all the good you did do for him. That has helped me reconcile my feelings of guilt; I did do a lot of good for her. Some of the things we did (e.g. getting them to go to the doctor) may have even given them more time than they would have had otherwise. We can't possibly know for sure, so don't beat yourself up. I can tell you though, forgiving yourself for things you "could have" done and accepting the fact that this was not your fault, are things that will only be resolved through time. I'm not exactly there yet, but I'm a whole lot better than I was a month or two ago. Joining and participating in this forum is a great a start towards helping you cope in general. Welcome and take care, Mark.

Hi dear friend!
Our circumstances are so much the same. I am constantly asking myself if there was more I could have done to help Rich. His mother passed at a very young age from what I think was the same thing Rich did.
But he was so good with his meds and his diet and I believe I did all I could. I just firmly believe that God knows how sick they really are and He takes them home to make them better.
In believing this, it helps me to know that there was most likely nothing I could have done or noticed to save his life. God knew better than I ever could.
Love & prayers to you.....Mo

It seems to me that since you modified his diet and your husband was in good shape that you should not feel any guilt at all. Even if there were things that you MIGHT have done to influence your husband to take further actions to protect his health it was still his decisions that are important. Even more important is the fact that you did not do anything to intentionally hurt your husband. Feeling guilty about something may be justified if it is in regard to something that you did intentionally ... you did not do anything intentionally to hurt your husband. Tom

I went through the same thing. Cliff died of a heart attack - his first, last and only, at 55 - and I beat myself up pretty badly thinking somehow I could have prevented it or was responsible. All the assurances from others that I wasn't responsible didn't assuage my guilt. Then I read something in one of the grief books I've read that finally brought it home. If we were that powerful - to prevent death - then we would be powerful enough to just wish them back into being. That finally hit me over the head to realize that I had done everything I could to keep him healthy, keep his stress low, etc., and that the decisions were his that finally determined his health, and like the others have said, all my efforts (diet changes, lifestyle changes, etc.) probably prolonged his life. I should tell you that once I realized that, I went right into the anger phase of grieving because I felt HE should have done more to make our time together last longer. Eventually, I accepted that we both had done the best we could for each other. It is hard to accept that there are things beyond our control - very very very hard. But this is one of those things you have to accept and let go. You gave him your best, you loved and made him happy. You are not a cardiologist. Let the guilt go - it serves no purpose and will only eat you alive. It is normal to feel this way, it is one of the grief phases, and it too shall pass. Love and Hugs, Martha

I believe all of us have had this feeling at one point or another. My husband died of oral cancer, and while HE knew there was a problem long before he said anything, I didn't. I felt that because I was his wife and best friend and knew him better than anyone alive, that I should have known something was wrong long before I did. I had to realize that it was his choice to not say anything and that I had zero control over that. My husband handled his illness on his terms.....if the situation had been reversed and it had been me going through it, I would have done the same, and would have expected him to respect that. That helped me to alleviate a lot of the guilt I felt. Take care, my friend......Judy

First of all I want to tell you I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband to a heart attack. He was 40 yrs old. Please dont blame yourself for his death because he was his own person and may not have listened even if he knew he might die from it. He sounds a lot like my husband as far as hating drs. and hospitals. My husband knew he had a heart condition. He had,had a heart attack and stroke when he was 28. And a few tia's after that. His brother died at 26 of a heart attack and his dad at 53. He ate the wrong things, drank too much beer and played sports that although it was good for him to stay active, the dr. didnt want him doing because of the meds he was on for his stroke. Believe me I begged him to take it slow. His answer to me was if I'm going to die young I'm going to die happy. And now that He is gone, I'm kind of glad he did what he did because he did die happy. He went way too young but he was doing the things he wanted to do. And who knows. If he did listen to me and change his way of life. It may not have been a good life and it would have been for nothing. I know about feeling guilty because Bruce died right in front of me and I didnt know how to save him. But I have come to realize, it was his time. And he may have been in a vegetative state and I know he didnt want that. We loved our husbands and took care of them the best we could, and the best they would allow us to. We should have no regrets for that. What more does a person really want but love. Take care, Hugs to you, Lori

My situation was sort of the reverse. My huband had high blood pressure and smoked heavily for many years. He just couldn't/wouldn't give up smoking. When he had a "mini stroke", after several hours in the ER, the first thing he did when left the hospital was light up! About a year later he had a major stroke which resulted in vascular dementia, among other things, and he spent the last 5 years of his life in an assisted living facility because there were so many safety issues with him living at home while I was working full time. I felt a certain amount of anger about this - I felt that if he had only made an effort to quit smoking, then maybe he would not have had the stroke and we could have grown old together. I never said that to him, though, and I eventually realized that even if he had stopped smoking that was not a guarantee that he would have avoided the stroke, and he did the best he could; none of us are perfect. He made the choices that made sense to him.

I know all the feelings you are having....I thought the same thing at the one month mark and his family did not help with my feeling of guilt. Now it has been 18 months and I know that when Jesus takes us out of this world it was part of the plan, it doesn't make it any easier for the ones left behind. Do not think for one moment that you could have done anything different. We are all in charge of the bodies God gave us while we are here. For our dear love ones they have no worries or pain...I will pray for you to find the same comfort that I have found in Jesus. It is so hard in the beginning of this journey, be good to yourself and don't let anyone tell you how to feel, I think for me I had to feel all the pain to the depth of my core to come out the other side and say I am now OK with the help of Jesus.
God Bless You and Your family
Susan

I have had the guilt feelings as well. They keep creeping back and I wonder even moreso was there more that I could have done. My husband Robert was sick for years with neuro problems and then developed lung cancer which metastisized to the brain and he passed away quickly. I took care of him when he was at home for 7 yrs with the neuro problems and made all the medical decisions for him(as I am a nurse), but I still wonder was there even more that i could have done.I know I did everything that I could have done, but there will always be the what if...

Well, I don't know about your husband, but I couldn't make mine do anything he didn't want to do. Gene had already had a heart attack and a double bypass and I did the best I could to keep healthy food around for him, but he always said if he couldn't eat what he wanted, what good was that. Unfortunately, we could only do so much and we have to accept the fact that we aren't responsible for what happened. Whose to say that if we'd done everything humanly possible the outcome would still be the same.